Unmarried and Separating with 3 Kids - 50/50 financial responsibility?

[Anonymous]

Definitely get a good lawyer, but don't expect more than CS and that may be minimal at 50/50. Are you sure the relationship is dead?

[Anonymous]

Reconsider. You have kids and this will be devastating to them. Lots of couples lose the emotional connection during their relationship. Work on things for another year especially since your boyfriend is willing.

What are you going to do - drag your kids off to a new relationships now? Move them in with some other guy? Have more kids? Stability and permancy are very important to young children.

[Anonymous]

Single Mom here. OP if you are going to to the single Mom thing then it's time to grow up. I had to get a real job - one that is stable, flexible, and makes money when I left an abusive relationship. If you plan to continue to live with this guy you might as well continue to make it work. Until you physically move out things are too complicated. He doesn't owe you child support so long as you live with him. If you are in VA child support is less than you will need to break even on costs.

[Anonymous]

tharlan wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consult an attorney ASAP. I don't think it will work for you to both be living in the same house. It sounds like he created this idea, which is basically impossible for you, in the hopes that you'd just give in and stay with him.

Yes -- he even mentioned "well it was your decision" to almost intimidate me into staying with him with the thought that I may not be able to afford being out on my own. Really?! That just upsets me even more and if my best option is splitting everything 50/50 with him then that's fine. I was just curious if there are other options or experiences anyone has had with this.

That isn't an intimidation technique, it is the truth. He is not obligated to support your career aspirations, only split the cost of raising the children. Time for you to get a steady job and support yourself again. Living in the same home is a crazy idea in my opinion, you are either together or you are not.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you quit a full time job to try to start your own business at the same time you left your "fiance"? This is not the best strategy for your finances. I agree, you have to pay 50/50. Fiance is not going to subsidize your business.

[Anonymous]

Ok... he is not your fiance. Fiance means a man to whom you are engaged and planning to marry. It does not mean a co-parent or a long-term partner.

Now that you are choosing to leave him, he is really, really, really not your fiance. That is not what fiance means!!!

[Anonymous]

Are you serious? He is being incredibly generous. He owes zero to you.

[Anonymous]

You will likely have to pay around 43% of the kids' expenses based on your respective salaries. If you are making much less at your own business, he could claim voluntary impoverishment. The courts may legally assume you are capable of making $79,000 and hold you to that in child support calculations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will likely have to pay around 43% of the kids' expenses based on your respective salaries. If you are making much less at your own business, he could claim voluntary impoverishment. The courts may legally assume you are capable of making $79,000 and hold you to that in child support calculations.

This. OP, you are screwed. You should have given your decision a lot more thought. You're actually lucky he's agreeing to stay in the same house in another room . . .

[Anonymous]

Op - you are completely ridiculous. His offer of 50-50 is beyond fair. You two should share child expenses, but there is no reason for him to support you. He should not be paying for half of your expenses, period. The fact that he is offering paints him in a good picture. The fact that you want more makes you the asshole here.

Sorry but you have to grow up, and to clarify - I'm a girl. Get a real job.

[Anonymous]

I had a baby with my ex - we split (his call) while I was pregnant. Initially, we used the Virginia state child-support calculator to determine what he should pay, given the health insurance costs (which I pay) and daycare costs (which I pay), and the fact that I have her 5 days a week to his 2.

I keep track of all kid-related expenses (other than entertainment and snacks, which I think are discretionary) and every year we look at the total vs. last year to determine if his support should go up or down for the next year. (we don't want to go back to court and our incomes are still similar.) You may want to do something similar.

I would never expect him to pay for any of *my* expenses, because I'm an adult and not his dependent. The fact that I chose to buy a bigger house when she came along is my responsibility, not his.

That said, he's deployed for over half of this year, so he's giving me more money than usual for babysitting and to cover the fact that having a child 7 days a week costs more than having one 5 days. (food, etc.) You probably need to get a job again, at least until the dust settles - running two households is pricey.

[Anonymous]

OP- It is time to be an adult and to realize that "your dream of your own business" may just not be doable at this time and place. Whatever the children's Dad is willing to do for them and for you could change ever so quickly so best as could money in any joint accounts. It is time for both of you to "stop playing house" and go to see a lawyer on the part of each of you actually to protect both interests. You need to get a legal custody arrangement in place and you need to get financial accounts untangled. I would say that there should be separate accounts for: children's expenses, running the jointly owned home, your account for your business and then at least from here on out his own sole account.
A "clear decision" should be made as to health care coverage of the children (which would be counted by the parent paying as a portion of child care costs) and you need to have your own policy, too.

Then you also need to get some advice as far as your business goes as to just what the chances of making a financial go of it to make the monthly income you will need. Since you are the driving force of change, you may just need to go back to a full-time or part-time job and keep the business going on the side or just let it go at this time. A key reality check is that it is not about "you and your new startup," but about what is best for three young children in terms of emotional support from both parents and legal and financial considerations. It does not sound from your posts that you are quite able to face reality as yet as an adult.

[Anonymous]

People on DCUM are so unkind.

First, I'm sorry you are going through this. I imagine it was a hard decision.

Second, based on what you wrote, I would NOT seek an attorney. It will cost you a lot and gain you very little, for this particular situation. You can use your assets to better use. However, by a child support calculator, he may owe more than 50/50 because your incomes aren't comparable. It's probably worth looking into, but keep in mind that if he digs in (e.g. he feels you are underemployed because you quit your job), as posters point out, your only recourse would be a lawyer.

Third, it sounds like things are reasonable amicable. I'd try to keep them like that. One possibility is to keep sharing the house, to bring down expenses; get a job that brings in more money; split child costs 50/50; and you'll be on better financial footing by next summer. This will only work if you guys are friendly enough that its a reasonable arrangement, but it might be really nice on your kids not to move right away. If that's not the case, I think you need to brainstorm all your options: do you have any family where you can live? If you sell the house now, what is your share and what does that get you?