Unmarried and Separating with 3 Kids - 50/50 financial responsibility?

[tharlan]

My fiance and I have decided to split. Our relationship moved very fast, got pregnant with twins after only 5 months of being together, and now after almost 8 years together and 3 wonderful kids ages 7 (twins) and 5, we have decided to call it quits. It's my decision mostly as he is completely committed to the relationship, but I haven't been emotionally connected for at least a year (lots of reasons why through history of relationship) and feel that we've been operating as robots. We've been going to regular therapy for the past 9 months, and I feel that we've both put in a good effort, but I still do not feel the love or emotion towards him that I know he wants and deserves.

He makes $105k/year and I recently quit my full time job (we both agreed on this) where I was making $79k/year to pursue my own business, knowing that it would take a few months to build up a regular salary, and I would need to bring in at minimum $2500/month for us to be comfortable still covering all expenses. I took $7k from my business to put in to our joint savings as "back up" money in case I ever fell short of that $2500/month min.

We have planned to live in the house together until possibly next summer when we may put the house on the market for sale, and we're trying to be as amicable and "normal" as possible for the sake of the kids until one (or both) of us does move out.

We've always pooled all of our finances together as a family, we have no debt, and we own a house together. This is very recent so the only changed we've made so far is that he's moved in to the guest room, but we are trying to now establish our "boundaries" and "rules" and set forth a regular schedule of who's responsible for what.

He wants to split all of our monthly expenses and responsibilities for the kids 50/50, and approached me with a budget spreadsheet showing what that would look like, but I do not feel that this is very fair, and I am seeking advice on what options and/or rights I have as an unmarried parent. He makes much more than me, so covering half of our family expenses is easy for him along with having his own money to save. I, on the other hand, would really have to hustle to make up my half and maybe eventually I'll get there with my business, but it is not guaranteed at the moment as this is my first month doing it full time.

Any comments, suggestions and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

you lost me at "fiance." - however most states have a pretty simple formula to determine child support and alimony. consult an attorney you dope.

[Anonymous]

You never married him and you made the decision to leave him? Under the law you're entitled to nothing but child support, so you're lucky as fuck that he's willing to go beyond that. He's being more than fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you lost me at "fiance." - however most states have a pretty simple formula to determine child support and alimony. consult an attorney you dope.

Alimony? They never married.

[Anonymous]

He has no responsibility for supporting you while you get your business off the ground. He agreed to do that before you decided to leave him. Before you quit your job you were making nearly what he was. His only obligation now is child support.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you're in this situation, OP. I have no advice for you but hope someone else does who won't give you nothing but crap because you never got married to your partner. DCUM is a terrible place for having to admit you (gasp) had kids out of wedlock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you lost me at "fiance." - however most states have a pretty simple formula to determine child support and alimony. consult an attorney you dope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're in this situation, OP. I have no advice for you but hope someone else does who won't give you nothing but crap because you never got married to your partner. DCUM is a terrible place for having to admit you (gasp) had kids out of wedlock.

Other posters may have been harsh, but they're right. Because OP was never married to her partner, she doesn't get any of the benefits of marriage such as alimony. All she's entitled to is child support. She can probably find a child support calculator online for her jurisdiction to calculate theoretical child support, but that's not enforceable unless she wants to file a child support action in court, but that will probably upset the rest of this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I would consult an attorney ASAP. I don't think it will work for you to both be living in the same house. It sounds like he created this idea, which is basically impossible for you, in the hopes that you'd just give in and stay with him.

[tharlan]

Anonymous wrote:I would consult an attorney ASAP. I don't think it will work for you to both be living in the same house. It sounds like he created this idea, which is basically impossible for you, in the hopes that you'd just give in and stay with him.

Yes -- he even mentioned "well it was your decision" to almost intimidate me into staying with him with the thought that I may not be able to afford being out on my own. Really?! That just upsets me even more and if my best option is splitting everything 50/50 with him then that's fine. I was just curious if there are other options or experiences anyone has had with this.

[Anonymous]

I'd look at as two separate expenses. Kid related expenses and adult related expenses.

For the kid related expenses there is probably child support guidance you can follow. For example in VA there is a monthly child expense calculation based on the total income of both parents and then that is split by proportional income for 50/50 custody.

For the adult related expenses, there I think you probably have to be willing to go 50/50 like you would with a roommate. You could try to work a deal where you pay less now but in return get less from the sale of the house later.

[tharlan]

Anonymous wrote:I'd look at as two separate expenses. Kid related expenses and adult related expenses.

For the kid related expenses there is probably child support guidance you can follow. For example in VA there is a monthly child expense calculation based on the total income of both parents and then that is split by proportional income for 50/50 custody.

For the adult related expenses, there I think you probably have to be willing to go 50/50 like you would with a roommate. You could try to work a deal where you pay less now but in return get less from the sale of the house later.

This is great advice, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd look at as two separate expenses. Kid related expenses and adult related expenses.

For the kid related expenses there is probably child support guidance you can follow. For example in VA there is a monthly child expense calculation based on the total income of both parents and then that is split by proportional income for 50/50 custody.

For the adult related expenses, there I think you probably have to be willing to go 50/50 like you would with a roommate. You could try to work a deal where you pay less now but in return get less from the sale of the house later.

She can look at it any way she wants, but she can't force him to pay more unless she's willing to go to court, which will mean having to move out of her cushy house and probably get a real job instead of trying to build her business.

[Anonymous]

Why isn't it fair for you to pay half the expenses? He's no longer willing to subsidize the business. I'm sorry but why would you expect him to? This is why people sell their houses, divide accounts, etc. They can't afford it anymore, like you. In fact, you are very lucky there is no debt. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You need to get a real job & think of your kids. Booting this guy sounds incredibly foolish to me.