7 year old son crying over missing ex spouse- breaking my heart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Fuck off. You know nothing about OP's situation. It is very common for marriages in which one partner is newly sober to end in divorce. It is more likely than not that a newly sober drunk is going to get divorced. You cannot put the marriage back together after some things. The drunk getting sober just highlights how unworkable the relationship has become -- not even sobriety can make it workable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance that you can get back together with your ex husband?

One doesn't reconcile for a kid's sake. Won't work.

[Anonymous]

OP, you mentioned that you have 50/50 custody. What's the schedule? I'm wondering, have you asked your ex if your son does the same thing while he's with him? If your son is spending equal time at both of your houses he may be just "home sick" or missing the other parent when he's away. This is common when a child stays away from home and could just be normal. Maybe the time he's away from each of you is too long for him?

I feel like your tone and the fact that you're being proactive is really awesome. You obviously care about your son and his relationship with his dad, that's sometimes rare in your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Fuck off. You know nothing about OP's situation. It is very common for marriages in which one partner is newly sober to end in divorce. It is more likely than not that a newly sober drunk is going to get divorced. You cannot put the marriage back together after some things. The drunk getting sober just highlights how unworkable the relationship has become -- not even sobriety can make it workable.

This makes no sense. So you're saying she fell in love with him when he was a drunk then got tired of his drunkennes and she no longer liked him even sober? She should have read her marriage vows closer. She left him just as thinks improved. I hope she has more staying power in other areas of her life. She will find something not to like about the new bf eventually. She need therapy to figure out what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Fuck off. You know nothing about OP's situation. It is very common for marriages in which one partner is newly sober to end in divorce. It is more likely than not that a newly sober drunk is going to get divorced. You cannot put the marriage back together after some things. The drunk getting sober just highlights how unworkable the relationship has become -- not even sobriety can make it workable.

+1 you can be sober while not dealing with the issues that led to drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Helpful. You have no idea what she went though. Sometimes it is too little, too late.

Exactly. People divorce all the time. The OP is NOT responsible for her ex's sobriety.

OP, I think it's normal for kids to go through emotional ups and downs, especially in divorce. Maybe your son could benefit by talking with a therapist for at least a few sessions? I think too often that b/c divorce is so commonplace that the emotions kids have in dealing with it are swept aside.

No. But she is responsible for building a stable, intact home for her child. I think this sounds odd too , pp

[Anonymous]

I know it's not the same and I'm not comparing at all, but my husband travels a lot and I have a 7 y o son. He has never had an issue until this year and now cries for his dad all the time. He really only wants boy time and his father. Before everyone jumps on me, it's NOT the same, but hugs to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what would make him feel better. Acknowledge that he's sad, but don't act super sad yourself, keep telling him that he's going to be okay.

I disagree with this advice. 1) He's not necessarily going to know what will make him feel better. 2) I think it's healthy for parents to share their emotions in an age appropriate way and 3) it's never going to be okay, because it that moment, that kid wants his mom and dad to be together and that is never going to happen.

OP, my parents divorced when I was about 4 or 5, and my ex and I divorced when my twins were about 21 months old. I think the best thing you can do is to (as I tell my twins) "feel your feels" and acknowledge his hurt. I think, if your DS asks, that you can tell him it makes you sad too that you all aren't an intact family like others, but that, divorce was what was best for all three of you to remain a good family -- even though you don't live together.

Also, kudos to the poster that said he will grieve throughout his life. It's so true. It was tough even when I got married managing my parents and grandparents and some of the politics. I definitely had moments of - omg, why did they have to get divorced!? But I would immediately think after that -- why did they even get married!? (my parents are not well suited to each other at all.)

Help him see the positive. Instead of having just 2 parents at an important event - he might have four. I really try to emphasize with my twins that even though their Dad and I aren't together and that's a bummer, if we were still together they wouldn't have met their step-mom and her family (who they really like) or my boyfriend and his near age twins (who they adore). I also point to my own life. Without my parents divorce, I wouldn't have my four sisters and they wouldn't have 4 sets of grandparents. It helps them see that the "ideal family", isn't the end-all be-all to what families look like or the definition of familial love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what would make him feel better. Acknowledge that he's sad, but don't act super sad yourself, keep telling him that he's going to be okay.

He already said what would make him feel better. An intact family.

[Anonymous]

But wait, aren't kids so resilient that it doesn't matter if parents' relationships are a revolving bedroom door? I thought that's what everyone said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you mentioned that you have 50/50 custody. What's the schedule? I'm wondering, have you asked your ex if your son does the same thing while he's with him? If your son is spending equal time at both of your houses he may be just "home sick" or missing the other parent when he's away. This is common when a child stays away from home and could just be normal. Maybe the time he's away from each of you is too long for him?

I feel like your tone and the fact that you're being proactive is really awesome. You obviously care about your son and his relationship with his dad, that's sometimes rare in your situation.

I agree with this. Our kid prefers rapid switches -- he likes to go back and forth each night, prefers over longer stays. You might try more frequent hand offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what would make him feel better. Acknowledge that he's sad, but don't act super sad yourself, keep telling him that he's going to be okay.

He already said what would make him feel better. An intact family.

And he should've told that is not a possibility. Maybe ask him if he would like you and you ex to take him out to do something fun together. Steer the direction of the conversation toward actual possibilities. I am so glad my mom left my alcoholic father. Best thing that could've happened to us. He even went to rehab and was in recovery for years after that but it didn't last. Do not doubt your choices OP. Growing up living with an addict is not how a child should grow up.

[Anonymous]

As others have mentioned, if you do week-on, week-off switches, you may want to reconsider the arrangement. We tried that and it was hard on DS. We now switch three times per week. Paint A has S & M, parent B has T,W,T, and then parent A has F &S. The next week it switches. A shared online calendar & flexible parents helps this work pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Helpful. You have no idea what she went though. Sometimes it is too little, too late.

I do know that when someone stops drinking, there's always hope. Anyway, this is proof that divorce isn't always what's best for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Fuck off. You know nothing about OP's situation. It is very common for marriages in which one partner is newly sober to end in divorce. It is more likely than not that a newly sober drunk is going to get divorced. You cannot put the marriage back together after some things. The drunk getting sober just highlights how unworkable the relationship has become -- not even sobriety can make it workable.

Fuck off? How classy of you.