7 year old son crying over missing ex spouse- breaking my heart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what would make him feel better. Acknowledge that he's sad, but don't act super sad yourself, keep telling him that he's going to be okay.

He already said what would make him feel better. An intact family.

Crawl back under your rock. A marriage takes two willing partners. There are lots of people who are better parents when they are not together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what would make him feel better. Acknowledge that he's sad, but don't act super sad yourself, keep telling him that he's going to be okay.

He already said what would make him feel better. An intact family.

Crawl back under your rock. A marriage takes two willing partners. There are lots of people who are better parents when they are not together.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he sobered up and you divorced him? Your poor child.

Helpful. You have no idea what she went though. Sometimes it is too little, too late.

I do know that when someone stops drinking, there's always hope. Anyway, this is proof that divorce isn't always what's best for the kids.

Once an addict, always an addict. It isn't a life for kids to grow up with that level of uncertainty. I remember wondering as kid if I should tell my mom that my dad was drinking behind her back since he was supposed to be sober. I was about 6 or 7 yrs old. Not a good feeling to be in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But wait, aren't kids so resilient that it doesn't matter if parents' relationships are a revolving bedroom door? I thought that's what everyone said?

+100

Kids are better off with divorced parents than unhappy parents, right? Guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him what would make him feel better. Acknowledge that he's sad, but don't act super sad yourself, keep telling him that he's going to be okay.

I disagree with this advice. 1) He's not necessarily going to know what will make him feel better. 2) I think it's healthy for parents to share their emotions in an age appropriate way and 3) it's never going to be okay, because it that moment, that kid wants his mom and dad to be together and that is never going to happen.

OP, my parents divorced when I was about 4 or 5, and my ex and I divorced when my twins were about 21 months old. I think the best thing you can do is to (as I tell my twins) "feel your feels" and acknowledge his hurt. I think, if your DS asks, that you can tell him it makes you sad too that you all aren't an intact family like others, but that, divorce was what was best for all three of you to remain a good family -- even though you don't live together.

Also, kudos to the poster that said he will grieve throughout his life. It's so true. It was tough even when I got married managing my parents and grandparents and some of the politics. I definitely had moments of - omg, why did they have to get divorced!? But I would immediately think after that -- why did they even get married!? (my parents are not well suited to each other at all.)

Help him see the positive. Instead of having just 2 parents at an important event - he might have four. I really try to emphasize with my twins that even though their Dad and I aren't together and that's a bummer, if we were still together they wouldn't have met their step-mom and her family (who they really like) or my boyfriend and his near age twins (who they adore). I also point to my own life. Without my parents divorce, I wouldn't have my four sisters and they wouldn't have 4 sets of grandparents. It helps them see that the "ideal family", isn't the end-all be-all to what families look like or the definition of familial love.

+1. OP, you need to accept that this may well be the beginning of a periodic sadness that your son experiences. I consider myself a well-adjusted person and I do not disagree with my parents' decision to divorce. Yet, I do get sad about it sometimes. Mainly when their divorce causes stress, like for graduations or planning my wedding, or when one of them is ill and I am forced into an intensive caregiver role that would otherwise belong to a spouse. Or when I was working on my wedding vows and really thought about the meaning of marriage, or the first time I spent Christmas at my in-laws' and saw how much simpler and easier it is if the parents love each other. Or when I became a mom. Times like that. All you can really do is listen and accept his feelings, whatever they may be. Do not try to sugar-coat or minimize the impact of your divorce on him. That just feels dismissive and belittling when my parents do it. It is what it is, and feeling heard and acknowledged may help your son more than anything else you can do.