Marriage better after children
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Anonymous
PP here. Pretty similar situation as you actually. Try not to worry! It sounds like things are going well for you! You are lucky that you have such a supportive partner and family. Things are only tough when sleep deprived but "that too shall pass" (I am so sick of that saying but it's true). Good luck 
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Anonymous
| My marriage may have been easier and I may have had a lot more time for myself and a lot more sex before kids, but that doesn't mean it was better. Even after we had 2 kids and we knew just how hard life was going to be with another one we still went ahead and had #3 - because they're great. Hard and exhausting, but great. |
Anonymous
| With 1, after the initial couple of months we became closer. 2 years in, we had a great balance and relationship. Now we have a 2 year old and 5 month old -- this has been rough on our relationship because we're both tired and it feels like we never see each other -- lots of "dividing and conquering", hardly any down time for either of us anymore. I know in the bigger picture we are still strong - but this has been tough on our relationship in the short-term. |
Anonymous
| Congrats op!!! |
Anonymous
| Aw congrats OP. Does it get easier? No. Can it get better? For sure. We have three and they delight us. I love seeing DH be a father. Also, we do lots of things that make us better people - we eat healthier, plan financially more and budget our time more carefully. We have less time for us, but we get creative and cherish it more. |
Anonymous
| The early years with kids are very hard on a marriage. They take up so much time, attention, and energy. Ride it out and work on reconnecting as much as you can. Think of your relationship as another entity that needs nurturing and attention. As time goes on, you may find that the kids inspire and motivate you to work on your marriage when you might otherwise give up. |
Anonymous
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OP, I've seen it go both ways. I have relatives who seem to be closer after having kids. I also have relatives who seem to be worse off after having kids.
But the thing is, in all of those situations, there were clear signs before they had kids. The ones who are closer were already a pretty good match. And having kids was a goal all of those couples shared. The ones who are worse off weren't great before the kids came around. So it's really no surprise. I think that couples who know each other well, are accepting of each other's flaws, have learned to work through that, and are both equally on board with having kids seem to do just fine. Couples who were mainly together out of physical attraction or to avoid being alone and who never reached a point of addressing weak points in their relationships didn't do so well. And I also know some older couples who completely fell apart after the kids grew up. So I also think there are couples who *only* do well with kids (because they exist for the kids) and find they don't really have anything in common once you remove that shared goal. I don't think you can make any general statements about what kids do to a relationship because there are so many variables. I kind of think that relationships that fail after having kids would have failed eventually anyway. The kids just sped up the process. |
Anonymous
| We had a great relationship before children and despite these early years being incredibly tough, our bond has deepened more than I ever could've imagined. Less sex but much deeper love. |
Anonymous
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Op here- thanks for the thoughtful responses. It's kinda what I figured. We are so excited, but it's so scary too!!! Our lives will never be the same and I am full of hormones and emotions. I would say DH and I had no partnership when we first married. We've learned so much and it's probably good in our case that we are going to be older parents. We needed to do some soul searching, growing up, learn how to work as a team, and How to communicate with each other and say what we needed ( me more than him).
Now... I hope we shape up on some other stuff... Eating healthier... Being tidier.... ( with a million toys !) Tightening our finances... It'll be good for us. Being dinks was fun, but we had plenty of time being selfish yuppies. Wow- just writing this I'm getting butterflies. Exciting stuff. |
Anonymous
| No and yes. The sleep deprivation and fatigue did a real number on our marriage at the beginning. Neither of you is at your best, and it's easy to get snappy and cranky and angry and resentful. The baby is a new focus, and being a new mom can be really absorbing--in the good way, but also in the sense that it really takes up a lot of your time and physical and emotional energy. But if you can roll with these and hang in there, then parenting a child with someone can definitely deepen your relationship. You see your partner in a whole new way. |
Anonymous
| Our marriage was wonderful before but is awesome now. Yes, there is a bit more silly squabbling since we are at home, together, ALL the time now. So those crumbs on the counter annoy you 10 times more. But my DH is so thrilled to be a dad, it's amazing to watch. We just found out #2 is on the way (20 months apart! eeek!) and I'm nervous about the logistics of two littles, but not about my marriage. We both love being parents and I think it shows in the way we love our daughter. |
Anonymous
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Sure. Like any REALLY big transition (and I mean life events, not just changing jobs etc unless your job was being President or something!) you can actually see the challenge or new adversity and have it make the underlying relationships stronger or better. It doesn't mean there will never be trying times but the strain of those times can very easily pale compared to the good stuff depending on the relationship.
I was pretty worried about it, but I was given some advice that the kid will help to magnify what is already there, if its pretty good, it will be revealed as such. If it just seemed pretty good but was actually shaky or just surface level, that will be revealed too. |
Anonymous
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Mine went to hell on a hand basket after the kids were born. We were incredibly happy before kids, but our lives were just so, so much more stable and less stressful. We slept in. We had more money and flexibility. I definitely had to work much, much harder to support my wife through the transition of being a parent, including figuring out what role she wanted to take in our family (she wanted to SAHM then fell into a depression, then decided to work, then decided to work part time, then found a perfect full time job). It's been insane.
That said, my youngest turned one and I could feel a cloud slowly lifting over my marriage. Yes, kids take up all the space you will let them have. But they need you less as they get older and it's been nice to get beyond the new born/infant/baby sleepless period. I actually prefer toddlers. Who would have thought of that! |
Anonymous
| NO. Kids add nothing to the relationship. They take and take and take and take... |
Anonymous
| We stopped screaming at each other. I still don't love him, though. |