How much do you owe your parents if they have been making stupid decisions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that sounds is hard and is not going to get easier. Have you and your sisters considered ECHO housing, e.g. a larger trailer or similar on one of your local sisters' property? That would at least make it easier to care for her when she is just in the backyard, and also mean no extra house to maintain.

This is OP. Thanks for this idea. This is actually something that would work great in the rural area where my sisters live, if my one sister with the acreage could manage the proximity. All three of us find my mom clingy, needy and unwilling to do the least little thing for herself.

As far as the marriage breaking up yes I totally admit I still have issues related to this. My parents were happy together and there was no abuse and no cheating. As far as we can tell they both hit a midlife crisis, one of those "is this all there is?" things and my mom made a run for it. My dad was blindsided. Our family was shattered and all three sisters found it very hard to negotiate divorced parents as adults for the first time, especially since in my mom's rose colored glasses there was no reason we shouldn't be spending every single holiday with her.

As for the job thing, what single adult not living off a trust fund just quits because they don't want to work anymore? Would you be okay if your kid did this? The GS-5/7 job my mom had was very good for our area and with her education. She was not going to find better. She worked for the govt for less than 10 years--there is no big pension. She went on a few trips and then she no longer had a reason to get up in the morning. She failed to remake her life in any way--no activities, no new friends. She just wants to be with her kids and she has a very difficult time accepting that we have lots of obligations and not unlimited time to spend with her. She needs to take some responsibility for herself.

My DH's parents are 15 years older and we helped them downsize and move but it did not require the handholding and direction my mom requires. And to compare, my dad is one year older than my mom and in fantastic shape and doing well. There are women in my classes at the gym who are 70. There is no reason she has to be like this except for benign self-neglect.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Surprised ppl are so harsh towards OP. I've been in that position where a family member makes bad decisions which then obligates me for years to helping them carry on. It's horrible.

OP, if by chance your mother has an addiction to alcohol or drugs, I suggest trying Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for families and friends of addicts. You can get support from people who have been in your shoes.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that sounds is hard and is not going to get easier. Have you and your sisters considered ECHO housing, e.g. a larger trailer or similar on one of your local sisters' property? That would at least make it easier to care for her when she is just in the backyard, and also mean no extra house to maintain.

This is OP. Thanks for this idea. This is actually something that would work great in the rural area where my sisters live, if my one sister with the acreage could manage the proximity. All three of us find my mom clingy, needy and unwilling to do the least little thing for herself.

As far as the marriage breaking up yes I totally admit I still have issues related to this. My parents were happy together and there was no abuse and no cheating. As far as we can tell they both hit a midlife crisis, one of those "is this all there is?" things and my mom made a run for it. My dad was blindsided. Our family was shattered and all three sisters found it very hard to negotiate divorced parents as adults for the first time, especially since in my mom's rose colored glasses there was no reason we shouldn't be spending every single holiday with her.

As for the job thing, what single adult not living off a trust fund just quits because they don't want to work anymore? Would you be okay if your kid did this? The GS-5/7 job my mom had was very good for our area and with her education. She was not going to find better. She worked for the govt for less than 10 years--there is no big pension. She went on a few trips and then she no longer had a reason to get up in the morning. She failed to remake her life in any way--no activities, no new friends. She just wants to be with her kids and she has a very difficult time accepting that we have lots of obligations and not unlimited time to spend with her. She needs to take some responsibility for herself.

My DH's parents are 15 years older and we helped them downsize and move but it did not require the handholding and direction my mom requires. And to compare, my dad is one year older than my mom and in fantastic shape and doing well. There are women in my classes at the gym who are 70. There is no reason she has to be like this except for benign self-neglect.

Obviously, the marriage was not happy.

[Anonymous]

^^^No one ever really know what all goes on in another person's marriage--not even, sometimes especially,the children. I found my mother's diaries after she died, and some papers of my father's--real eye openers that shattered by false reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^No one ever really know what all goes on in another person's marriage--not even, sometimes especially,the children. I found my mother's diaries after she died, and some papers of my father's--real eye openers that shattered by false reality.

The divorce isn't the important part of this story. We need to move past it.
Op, I don't know what exactly you should do, but I totally feel for you. The jerks replying up thread are clueless about these sorts of things. I have grandparent that has basically done just this to my parents. When she was was younger and in better health ( younger than your mother) she used to cackle about her her retirement plan was my parents. It super sucks.
If you don't have a dysfunctional parent you can't possibly understand.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. My mother has made a similar comment to us as well.

[Anonymous]

Get her to a church or senior center, anything for some socialization to help lift the fog she's living in. Senior centers can make a huge difference in how people feel, and then she might find it a little easier to take better care of herself.

[Anonymous]

OP - I get it. I really do. My dad lost his job in his late 50s and decided that he was done working. My parents are now in their late 60s and don't have nearly enough saved for retirement, both refuse to work, both refuse to budget, both refuse to speak to the other one about expenses and both come complaining to me that the other one is spending too much money on frivolous stuff that they can't afford.

They both admit to knowing what they need to do and what steps they need to take to get their lives in order, but they have never been able to communicate well and neither of them actually wants to change so they don't. I try to just be patient and listen when they want someone to vent to. I have tried giving advice which is occasionally heeded, but when it comes to budgeting they really both just refuse. In my mother's words "I had to live on a budget for 2 years when you guys were little and I don't want to do it again."?!?!?!?! I hate having to feel like the only responsible one.

I know that I would probably try to help out some, but I don't want them to expect it. They haven't had to help their parents financially at all since my grandparents did plan well. I love my parents, but I have pretty much lost all respect for my mom and am heading that way about my dad too I don't have any answers. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Buy long term care insurance if you possibly can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy long term care insurance if you possibly can.

$$$$ once you reach 70