How much do you owe your parents if they have been making stupid decisions?
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Anonymous
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My mother has been making bad decisions for the last 20 years or so and is now beginning to have difficulty living alone.
She walked out on my dad after almost 30 years of marriage (around age 50). My sisters ad I still don't really understand what happened. Yes, I'm angry about this still. When she left she had no financial plan how she was going to make it on her own and had no place to live--ie she had not it through. She quit her federal job sometime in her late 50s because she hated working and didn't like her coworkers. She had no other source of income. After quitting her job she did not do anything other than a little travel to engage her mind--no part-time job, no volunteering, no classes. She lives in a rural area and spends a lot of time watching tv and going to Walmart. She had 3 major joint replacement surgeries, which in my estimate were unnecessary. She didn't exercise, didn't like the aches and pains of getting old and trusted her doc that the surgeries would fix everything. The surgeries (two hips and a knee) have resulted in a horrible limp and neuropathy to the extent that she can barely walk or drive. She recently broke her arm in a fall, returned to the same doc and the arm is now failing to heal properly. She refuses to get a second opinion. Her SFH is becoming unmanageable and she needs a lot of help. My two sisters live close to her but have full plates (as do I) want to have a family meeting and "do something." I don't think there's anything to do. She's not willing to be responsible for her decisions and she is still fully mentally competent so it's not like we can get power of attorney. In addition, there is very little money. She's living off a reverse mortgage and social security. ` I am so angry at the stupid, stupid decisions she's made over the years. She's only in her early 70s. Her situation is so sad and I'm also so sad that the person I knew growing up is gone yet it's not like she has any kind of dementia either. I go back and forth between thinking she needs to do this or that, then remembering that she just does what she wants anyway, and thinking let her deal with the consequences of her own stupid actions. Has anyone dealt with a not-so-elderly parent who acts ancient and has basically just given up? Part of me thinks this kind of passive behavior is an attempt to get us involved in her life on a daily basis, which is simply not possible. What kind of middle ground possibilities are there for seniors who need assistance but not assisted living? |
Anonymous
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Did she give up on you when you were busy making stupid decisions in 7th grade - high school? Our parents are human, complex individuals. We don't take care of them because they are infallible. |
Anonymous
Wow. Lacking empathy and judgmental. Bravo pp. |
Anonymous
| OP, that sounds is hard and is not going to get easier. Have you and your sisters considered ECHO housing, e.g. a larger trailer or similar on one of your local sisters' property? That would at least make it easier to care for her when she is just in the backyard, and also mean no extra house to maintain. |
Anonymous
Pretty sure you misunderstood the pp. |
Anonymous
| Wow OP. I wasn't sure what to expect when I came here, but you sound like a terrible child. Who are you to judge your mom for not being able to stay married, maybe your father was abusive ...you can't have possibly been with them for every minute of the day . You estimated her joint replacements were unnecessary? Lmao this one was funny it almost like you know what it's like to have bad joints that are in poor enough shape that a doctor actually Recommends surgery. People get old and frail and life becomes difficult...most people understand this unless you have the American attitude of just tossing them in a nursing home and ignoring them till they are about to die. Too bad she raised you as she did...sounds like it wasn't worth it. Let's hope your kids are more understanding and patient than you, for your own sake |
Anonymous
| My guess is you owe them a whole lot since you wouldn't be here without her. Was she a terrible mother for growing up? Did she not love her children and nurture them? Was she an alcoholic or abusive? If the answer to those questions is no, then I have no clue why you even posted this... It's time to grow up and do your part. There are lots of reasons people can change as they get older... Maybe she is depressed...maybe she knows her children resent for for things she cannot change...70 is elderly idk why you said "not so elderly"..from the information you provided it doesn't seem like your close to your own mother at all otherwise you would have had this discussion with her a long time ago. So maybe that's something you can work on to improve the relationship...if not than toss her in a nursing home and let her croak. |
Anonymous
| First world problems... Lol... It's Sad really |
Anonymous
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You weren't in her marriage. Based on the timing (30 years in with 3 kids), it sounds like she hung on until she got her kids out of the house. Or your dad could have been a serial cheater. Or their were substances. Some divorced parents are classy enough not to trash their ex-spouse to the kids-- even if the kids are adults.
And if you're not an orthopedist, who are you to say she didn't need surgery? And how dare she break her arm-- and then allow it to heal badly? And are you really expecting a 70 something with bad hips and knees to be weeding, mowing and painting? All of which is to say that some compassion is in order. And a reality check-- what do you want her to do, exactly (besides tell you how very wrong he life choices were). BTW-- if she was a federal employee, she should have $$ in TSP and a pension (potentially a nice pension) unless she worked less than 3 years. Your grievances? Not adding up. |
Anonymous
| I guess the PPs are the 'family is everything' harpies. You don't owe your mother anything. The joint replacements don't sound like they were unnecessary. I know many people your mother's age who have had numerous joint replacements. Elderly people do heal more slowly. That aside, you should only do what you're comfortable doing and what allows your family to maintain its stability. You should also ensure you don't make the same decisions your mother made and save wisely for your retirement. |
Anonymous
You get what you give OP. |
Anonymous
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Get some therapy. Honestly. You obviously still have a host of unresolved issues around your feelings toward your mother.
You admit that you don't know why your mother "walked out on your dad", but you are angry about it. You have decided your mother made all the wrong decisions when it came to running her own life, including decisions for her own health that she made WITH her doctors. You say that she is not the person you "knew" growing up, but it sounds like you never actually knew your mother at all, and still don't. You keep wishing to see the person you want(ed) her to be, instead of who she actually is/was. I don't think you can do anything for her until you take care of yourself first. |
Anonymous
no, the poster was entirely on point. Op was the judge mental one who lacks empathy. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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I find the employment history and unwillingness to work with a physical therapist to be troubling. She's not old. She's just now 70. The Mom has some responsibility for her shitty situation.
The divorce- we don't have much info about that, but she had a right to not want to remain married. No matter what the circumstance. |