5-yr-old daughter wants to be a boy

[Anonymous]

I couldn't agree more with pps. I am all for acceptance of the transgendered community but all these awareness has trans being the new "bully." Meaning, totally trendy awareness issue. Your daughter may be trans. Or she may be five years old and figuring her shit out. My five year old routinely tells me he wants to marry me and that I'm "cute." It's weird but he's five. Calm down. Be supportive. You don't need to call anyone.

[Anonymous]

Hi, parent of a trans teen here. I was out driving the old trans-bandwagon around (lots of great cargo space in the back for the groceries) and just got back and saw these posts.

My advice is to listen to your kid and trust your parental instincts. Here's the analogy I use: Do you give your kids Percocet the minute they say they aren't feeling good? No, of course not. You tell them to lie down and rest for a bit, maybe make them some camomile tea. If they still aren't feeling good, then you maybe give them a Tylenol. And of course, if they are writhing in pain, you go straight to the ER, where they'll get the strong drugs and possibly needed life-saving treatment.

Same thing with gender identity. Is your kid mentioning this in passing, with no distress? Then I'd go with the light approach, which I think many on this chain are suggesting. That might be something like: "I hear you sweetie! When I was a kid, sometimes I felt like [insert feeling]. It's okay to feel different ways, and you know what? I love you no matter what."

On the other hand, if your little one is crying nightly in despair that he/she is not the right gender and saying "God made a mistake!" then yeah, I'd call Children's. Same thing if this is accompanied by school avoidance or anxiety, or other issues.

And for older kids exhibiting depression along with gender dysphoria, addressing this is a must, it can be a life or death situation.

But if this is nothing now more than a very little one expressing interest in cross-gender play and the occasional statement about wanting to be the other gender, I'd probably watch and wait, and be supportive. Of course, you can reach out to Children's for yourself, to educate yourself about gender fluid kids and ways to support them.

And by the way, to us parents of trans kids, this is not a trendy thing at all. These are our children.

Lastly, Children's has been a source of great support for us. Given the messages here, I checked with them about best way to reach them, and was told that folks trying to reach the Children's Gender Clinic should first call Clarissa, at 202-476-4172, and leave a message. If you don't get a response in a day or two, then call 202-476-4580 and ask for the clinic director.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, parent of a trans teen here. I was out driving the old trans-bandwagon around (lots of great cargo space in the back for the groceries) and just got back and saw these posts.

My advice is to listen to your kid and trust your parental instincts. Here's the analogy I use: Do you give your kids Percocet the minute they say they aren't feeling good? No, of course not. You tell them to lie down and rest for a bit, maybe make them some camomile tea. If they still aren't feeling good, then you maybe give them a Tylenol. And of course, if they are writhing in pain, you go straight to the ER, where they'll get the strong drugs and possibly needed life-saving treatment.

Same thing with gender identity. Is your kid mentioning this in passing, with no distress? Then I'd go with the light approach, which I think many on this chain are suggesting. That might be something like: "I hear you sweetie! When I was a kid, sometimes I felt like [insert feeling]. It's okay to feel different ways, and you know what? I love you no matter what."

On the other hand, if your little one is crying nightly in despair that he/she is not the right gender and saying "God made a mistake!" then yeah, I'd call Children's. Same thing if this is accompanied by school avoidance or anxiety, or other issues.

And for older kids exhibiting depression along with gender dysphoria, addressing this is a must, it can be a life or death situation.

But if this is nothing now more than a very little one expressing interest in cross-gender play and the occasional statement about wanting to be the other gender, I'd probably watch and wait, and be supportive. Of course, you can reach out to Children's for yourself, to educate yourself about gender fluid kids and ways to support them.

And by the way, to us parents of trans kids, this is not a trendy thing at all. These are our children.

Lastly, Children's has been a source of great support for us. Given the messages here, I checked with them about best way to reach them, and was told that folks trying to reach the Children's Gender Clinic should first call Clarissa, at 202-476-4172, and leave a message. If you don't get a response in a day or two, then call 202-476-4580 and ask for the clinic director.

But you have to realize that it's trendy now--even if what your family is experiencing is not about a trend. I'm amazed at the number of moms of youg kids who think her child is some super progressive because her son likes pink and occasionally wears a dress. I think parents are responsible to help kids be just that, kids. Im not dismissive of things my kids say but I also try not to make a big deal out of situations that my kids don't have to think about yet.

[Anonymous]

The parent of a trans teen is spot on.

I'll add that your child is saying she *wants* to be a boy- not that she *is* a boy. There's a difference.

[Anonymous]

My now 5 year old has "been" a dog for about 2 years now.

[Anonymous]

Thanks parent of TT. OP again. Your insights our valuable.

I prefer not to give a blow-by-blow of our lives, but it has been more than occasional. She doesn't seem in distress, but does the minute we leave school/camp/whatever, she does pretend play and I'd say about 85% of the time chooses a male character (Prince James or Diego or whomever) and assigns me the female role. She tells me on a daily basis I'd say that when she grows up, she wants to be a boy/man. We went through this whole thing where she wanted to stand up to pee before. Clothing/dress is clearly not easy given the clothes handed down are very girl-normed so the older she gets, the more resistant she has become to things other than blue and she rejects most girly things/clothes. Out in public she does declare, "I'M A BOY!" like at a recent trip to Target. She has pondered aloud why God made her a girl and a mistake or something like that.

Everyday is different. It can be scary and lonely and new and strange. If it is trendy, please know it is not one I'm seeking. I'm just trying to find other families navigating it too. As mentioned, I have 2 acquaintances with children that are transgender. Who would have imagined. Given my journey, I was put in touch through a mutual friend to one of the families. Neither are not local though.

I guess DCUM is what it is, but knowing so little of our lives, folks make huge assumptions. #trendy. Yes, that's what I want, my 5-year-old to refuse to wear dresses to church and to get upset when her teacher calls her pretty. This isn't fun or easy and it is very public. The idea that someday this young person might develop the language and certainty that she was born with the wrong parts and not want to be the strong woman I see in front of me scares me so much! So know you come to a message board hoping for some help not for what can feel like quick judgement. I'd like to laugh at the teletubbies and dogs and whatnot, but I think she uses animals as a way to channel gender choice or identity. She does not know who Jenner is or any other trans folks. I am not modeling this for her. But spend a couple hours with her and it is apparent.

Thanks so much for the numbers. Will try again.

I am not trying to diagnose and treat her as transgender and don't think I used that word to describe her. I guess given your medical analogy, perhaps it is like a rash that I don't know. I didn't experience exema or asthma or whatever (spelling) and I am not sure what wheezing sounds like so I want to learn more given my kid has "reactive airways." What will that be if later it is ASTHMA? What does she need now? Why is she coughing so much in April? What can I do (beyond the basics) to ensure she has healthy airways? #whatever. I'm not trying to check her in, just trying to better understand perhaps we are still figuring out. Thanks again TT parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old DD says she IS a boy all the time! I think in her case it is that she likes more stereotypically "boy" toys and characters. I really don't think that it's a gender identity issue in my DD's case.

Have you asked your daughter WHY she wants to be a boy?

Yes and I don't know that I have heard an answer or maybe haven't figured out how to ask well enough. This post has been the one on my mind Saturday, thanks.

[Anonymous]

The comments about transgender identity being "trendy" are misinformed at best. Gender identity has always been fluid, but only very recently has society and the medical/ psychology community caught up with what many generations of individuals have always known: that a person can truly and authentically be a different gender than her biological sex. This isn't a "trend." Like greater acceptance of homosexuality, increasing awareness of gender identity is resulting in more people being able to live authentic lives, and fewer being stuffed into a mold that suffocates them.

OP, you sound like a loving parent with an open mind. That is what your child needs. Do what makes your child feel comfortable. If it turns out that she needs to present as a boy now and later is cisgender, then no harm will have been done. If it turns out that she is gender-queer, transgender, or possibly a lesbian (there's a difference, but some % of gender queer little kids end up being cis but not straight), then the start she got with you-- acceptance, support, and understanding will sustain her.

There's no harm in seeking professional guidance.

But for the love of all that is good and decent, ignore the "trend" comments. Your child is not responding to Caitlyn's Vanity Fair cover. She's trying to be herself, whoever that is.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. Parent of trans teen here.

Given what you described, I would reach out to Childrens (which I know you are doing). This is more than what I would describe as a passing interest in cross-gender play. I think you are smart to want to educate yourself in case this symptom turns out to be something more. Also, they can put you in touch with lots of other really nice, average, normal parents with gender fluid kids. Talking to others who are going through this can be a great source of comfort.

Also, I totally agree with the PP above me. Nicely said, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a phase. Many girls go through this.

Do NOT make a big deal of this. You will cause more harm than good to your child.

Agreed.

I really do think Caitlyn (and Jazz) are causing a bit of an uproar with some people. Just because a child says they want to be the opposite sex, doesn't mean they are transgender. I think we're going to see an increase in transgender kids because it's the new "thing." It does a disservice to those who truly are dealing with it.

OP, don't worry about it now. I don't know that you even need to get your ducks in a row. When she wakes up and says "I'm a boy", ask her why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a phase. Many girls go through this.

Do NOT make a big deal of this. You will cause more harm than good to your child.

Agreed.

I really do think Caitlyn (and Jazz) are causing a bit of an uproar with some people. Just because a child says they want to be the opposite sex, doesn't mean they are transgender. I think we're going to see an increase in transgender kids because it's the new "thing." It does a disservice to those who truly are dealing with it.

OP, don't worry about it now. I don't know that you even need to get your ducks in a row. When she wakes up and says "I'm a boy", ask her why.

How about focusing on what you know, which is absolutely nothing about gender identity?

[Anonymous]

I agree with other pps here in that the trend now is to push 'transgender!!!' on kids who deviate in any way from gender norms. There is not much tolerance for a tomboy or girly guy these days!

OP, I was a little girl, back in the day, who refused dresses, played with the male action figures of the day, was the first girl on the little league team (yeah I'm that old), ect...I'm not transgender, and I doubt your dd is either. She reminds me of me.

As an adult, I still am not the most feminine person in the world, and I work in a male-dominated agency, in uniform-but I am happily married for 2 decades and am a mom! My advice to you is, to just not worry too much and dont push the girl stuff too hard. My mom still thinks I should 'wear heels and some makeup'.. uh no thanks

As someone who was similar to your dd, I would not go down the transgender road. JMO.

[Anonymous]

PP again-to add that I am the mom of dds who love everythign pink, shiny and sparkly. I look at them like, you came from me? lol, but it is ok to me a girl not into that.

Id focus more on making sure she is feeling accepted for the GIRL she is-even if it's not pink and dressy.

[Anonymous]

OP: You are a good parent. Continue to love and support your kid no matter what, and make sure they know that you will always love them and support them. Listen to your kid and try to make your home a gender-neutral safe place----toys your kid likes, no matter if they come from the 'boy' or 'girl' aisle, lots of opportunities to nurture creativity and express themselves. Children's is a good start, if your kid starts exhibiting signs of mental health trouble that may be symptoms of gender dysphoria like self-harm, depression, or anxiety I'd get them in therapy ASAP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't be too quick to jump to conclusions. For many years when I was young, I REALLY wanted to be a boy. I wore boy clothes, cut off my hair, only played with boys, hated dolls and played transformers and GI Joes with my neighbor boys. It lasted until I was about in 5th or 6th grade. I'm 40 now, married with 2 boys. I'm still tomboyish, but have embraced being female. It was just a phase for me that I grew out of.