Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a therapist tell me this about a boyfriend once, who cheated on me. I took the therapists advice. Ex-boyfriend is now on his 4th marriage after cheating on the first three wives.

what is his appeal to women knowing his track record?

Maybe they aren't privy to his record or think they're special. He won't cheat on "me."

[Anonymous]

Yes. Every person I know who cheated once, has cheated twice.

[Anonymous]

I believe there are people who cheat as a one off due to certain circumstances and those are the people I believe can be faithful in the long run, then I think there are people who cheat because of a character flaw and who will continue to cheat for the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe there are people who cheat as a one off due to certain circumstances and those are the people I believe can be faithful in the long run, then I think there are people who cheat because of a character flaw and who will continue to cheat for the long term.

+1 yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a therapist tell me this about a boyfriend once, who cheated on me. I took the therapists advice. Ex-boyfriend is now on his 4th marriage after cheating on the first three wives.

what is his appeal to women knowing his track record?

Maybe they aren't privy to his record or think they're special. He won't cheat on "me."

My wife left me for someone who has cheated at least five times-some mutual acquaintances say 10+ but they might be exaggerating because they all hate the cheater. Both of them believe this time it's true love and the other cheating was just because it wasn't the right person. (Imagine that country song "People are Crazy" playing in the background while I write this post and drink a bourbon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a therapist tell me this about a boyfriend once, who cheated on me. I took the therapists advice. Ex-boyfriend is now on his 4th marriage after cheating on the first three wives.

what is his appeal to women knowing his track record?

Maybe they aren't privy to his record or think they're special. He won't cheat on "me."

My wife left me for someone who has cheated at least five times-some mutual acquaintances say 10+ but they might be exaggerating because they all hate the cheater. Both of them believe this time it's true love and the other cheating was just because it wasn't the right person. (Imagine that country song "People are Crazy" playing in the background while I write this post and drink a bourbon.

So sorry.

[Anonymous]

That statement is very broad + cannot apply collectively to every single person who is unfaithful since each and every relationship is unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That statement is very broad + cannot apply collectively to every single person who is unfaithful since each and every relationship is unique.

Yes, but it is far and away the rule. Every rule has its exception, but exceptions to the rule are rare. Relationships vary but people who cheat, as a rule, don't have very good self-control or interpersonal problem-solving skills. That doesn't vary.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. DH cheated on his GF in his mid-20's. It was a really toxic relationship and yet another sign they should have broken up. But he learned his lesson and feels very guilty about it now. I doubt today he would cheat. (He couldn't even go on a first date with me at the same week as going on a first date with someone else. He just couldn't handle 2 women at the same time, even for a first date.)

But there are some people (not just men) who cheating is just in their blood. Some do it even when things are good in their primary relationship, just because they can. Others do it because things are bad in their primary relationship but they cant or wont get out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I think, particularly if someone is young when they cheat the first time, he or she could learn a valuable lesson and not do it again. But, I know a woman who has cheated multiple times over 25 years, and I don't think she'll ever change. I think for some people it becomes like any other addiction, they just get addicted to the thrill of the cheat.

Mostly agree with this. I think it's possible for a person to do a lot of stupid things casually when they are young (like cheat on a college girlfriend) that they wouldn't do as an adult in a serious situation (like a marriage).

However, if they cheated as an adult (say 25 or older) I think you'd be risking a lot and very naive to get into a relationship with them thinking "but it's different with us - they won't cheat on ME." Sure, it's possible they won't, but it's not a gamble I'd want to take. If you're already in a relationship with them and it's you they've cheated on and you're deciding whether to stay or leave - I'm sorry for your situation. For me, whether or not I had kids would factor into the decision, and whether it was a one-time thing versus a full on affair or multiple instances of cheating with different people.

[Anonymous]

It comes down to individual therapy. If the person blames himself and not his circumstances and gets therapy, he likely won't cheat again.

If he blame his marriage, his wife, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, etc... He will look for those things elsewhere, never fix the real problem and cheat again.

Also true for women... I am to lazy to type he/she everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is always a conscious decision that a person makes. I believe there are different reasons and different circumstances that lead to such decisions. I think in a lot of cases not only in cheating desires or wants outweigh morales, values or concern for other people. Humans are selfish by nature.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Sad to say. I've known a lot of cheaters, and even when they are caught and face consequences, it still doesn't stop them the next time. And they aren't even horrible people. That's what has me convinced that it is one of those habits that for the most part won't go away.

My first boyfriend cheated on me. He wasn't a bad guy. He was nice. We broke up and even dated again later in life. But from what he told me, he pretty much cheated on every girlfriend he had. He liked having a girlfriend/partner. But he had a wandering eye. So his conclusion was as long as the girlfriend never finds out, no one gets hurt. So he got better and better and better at covering his tracks.

We broke up the second time but remained friends. He cheated on his next girlfriend -- and he was with her for years. She never knew. He's married now, and I have no doubt that he cheats on his wife. I also have no doubt that she's clueless because he doesn't *seem* like a bad guy.

He is only one example. I've known others (as friends). And the thing is that the cognitive dissonance that allows someone to cheat even when they love the person their cheating on never goes away. They've figured out a way to compartmentalize their actions. And I don't think -- with the exception of really horrible consequences and years of therapy -- that that ever goes away.

The cheaters I've known have been different types of personalities. But what they all had in common was a high sex drive, a strong need for variety, and a way of morally justifying/compartmentalizing infidelity. Even the ones who made a concerted effort not to cheat failed when opportunity presented itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. DH cheated on his GF in his mid-20's. It was a really toxic relationship and yet another sign they should have broken up. But he learned his lesson and feels very guilty about it now. I doubt today he would cheat. (He couldn't even go on a first date with me at the same week as going on a first date with someone else. He just couldn't handle 2 women at the same time, even for a first date.)

But there are some people (not just men) who cheating is just in their blood. Some do it even when things are good in their primary relationship, just because they can. Others do it because things are bad in their primary relationship but they cant or wont get out of it.

I don't buy the "it was a toxic relationship" excuse. He could've broken up with her first. And in fact, that is the kind of mental gymnastics cheaters play to justify their actions. There's always some reason that makes it kind of okay because, hey, the other person wasn't perfect either.

Cheating isn't okay if the relationship you are in is bad. It is still cheating. And in fact, it shows an unwillingness to deal appropriately with conflict in a relationship. Obviously, he could "handle 2 women at the same time" because he cheated on a past girlfriend. Perhaps he was just overcompensating with the story he gave you about dating two women in the same week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a therapist tell me this about a boyfriend once, who cheated on me. I took the therapists advice. Ex-boyfriend is now on his 4th marriage after cheating on the first three wives.

what is his appeal to women knowing his track record?

Maybe they aren't privy to his record or think they're special. He won't cheat on "me."

See the PP below, they tell themselves excuses: He only cheated on *her* because she was horrible/the relationship was toxic/he was going through a rough time and she didn't support him.