DH thinks I'm unfaithful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.

Except that you told him you did.

There is a huge difference between confessing a fantasy and an actual desire to be with another person in reality, much less a specific other person. The same way dressing up in a costume doesn't mean you actually want to be what you're dressing up as. We all fantasize about stuff we don't actually want to do when it comes down to it.

It's like enjoying historical romances - doesn't mean we want to go back in time to when our husbands would literally own us and we'd all die at 30 in childbirth.

Some of this depends on how it's said. If my DW asked me my fantasy and I responded enthusiastically, "Well, I've always wanted to do a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all at the same time, in a big tub of pudding!", that would get one reaction. If I stared her dead in the eye and responded very seriously and earnestly, "Well, I've always really wanted to have sex with two women at once," that might get a completely different reaction.

Who knows how the OP responded, but clearly her DH took her seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's just a fantasy. I don't really want to go out and bang another guy. Just thinking about it is enough.
He shared that he wants to bring another woman into our bed. I didn't freak out. It's a sexual fantasy and I want him to feel comfortable sharing that with me. I asked him to tell me more about it. I haven't been making shitty comments about a very private thing he shared with me.

If this is the case then he's 100% out of line reacting to your similar fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.

Except that you told him you did.

There is a huge difference between confessing a fantasy and an actual desire to be with another person in reality, much less a specific other person. The same way dressing up in a costume doesn't mean you actually want to be what you're dressing up as. We all fantasize about stuff we don't actually want to do when it comes down to it.

It's like enjoying historical romances - doesn't mean we want to go back in time to when our husbands would literally own us and we'd all die at 30 in childbirth.

Is there? Because every sexual fantasy I've confessed to DH, we've ended up doing.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DH did not react well and that's on him. Nut I also think that people need to use discretion when discussing their fantasies. If I told my wife half of mine, the couch would be my bed for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DH did not react well and that's on him. Nut I also think that people need to use discretion when discussing their fantasies. If I told my wife half of mine, the couch would be my bed for a while.

I think that people should not ask questions they're not prepared to hear the answers to. This is not an uncommon fantasy. In the universe of fantasies, it's actually pretty tame. If her husband was not prepared to hear that his wife fantasized about things like this, he should not have asked. His hypocrisy in light of his confession to a similar fantasy is particularly childish.

FYI - OP, my husband has been pretty adamant that his fantasy about me having a girlfriend is JUST A FANTASY. But he's also mentioned it a lot. I finally had to tell him, "DH, I think it's really cool that you're comfortable telling me that you think about this and have zero problem with your fantasies, but this is not something that I am interested in, so if you're mentioning it because you hope it'll become a reality, I really want you to get it through your head that it's not something that *I* want." He got it, and now we occasionally joke about my imaginary girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not an uncommon fantasy. In the universe of fantasies, it's actually pretty tame.

What color is your hair? Do you like pudding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not an uncommon fantasy. In the universe of fantasies, it's actually pretty tame.

What color is your hair? Do you like pudding?

Brown. And no, but my imaginary girlfriend probably does. Ask my husband about her. He knows her better than I do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married for 7 years.
Recently, we started trying to be a little more open sexually.
He asked me to share a fantasy. I told him I'd always wanted to be with 2 men at once.
Ever since, he has been making little comments to me about whether I had been out with someone else.
They are made in a joking manner, but are happening frequently enough for me to be able read between the lines.
He thinks I am messing around on him.
I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.
Today was the final straw. I have an old dress shirt that belonged to my father. I wear it while lounging around the house.
I wore it in front of my husband last week. He found it in the laundry and texted me asking who it belonged to.
I told him that I was getting tired of his implications. He told me that they aren't unplications. They're just jokes and questions.
I'm getting really tired of this.
I organize a women's social group. We meet once or twice per week to have coffee, go to dinner or play trivia.
We have an event planned to hear a band at a bar.
I know for a fact tht DH is going to act all weird about it.
We see a counselor, but our next appointment isnt for 3 weeks.
What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Are you sure he is freaked out? Perhaps he is actually into the idea and is just trying to play along, albeit clumsily.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually wondering if he is turned on by you being with another guy. His lame attempts to joke about it are trying to see just how open you are to it.

Next time he jokes about it, I would...
"Did you have a good time with your boyfriend today?"
Go over to him, "Yes, we had hot sex in the janitor's closet at work" Then slide your hands down his pants and start telling him all the details of the hot sex you had with this imaginary guy (make it outrageous so he can't think it's too true) while getting your DH off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually wondering if he is turned on by you being with another guy. His lame attempts to joke about it are trying to see just how open you are to it.

Next time he jokes about it, I would...
"Did you have a good time with your boyfriend today?"
Go over to him, "Yes, we had hot sex in the janitor's closet at work" Then slide your hands down his pants and start telling him all the details of the hot sex you had with this imaginary guy (make it outrageous so he can't think it's too true) while getting your DH off.

DH here: this is plausible to me. If he were actually concerned you were cheating he would not be at all jokey about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

I'll preface my comments by saying that your DH's passive aggressive joking and accusations are out of line. I won't defend that. He should grow up.

However, I'll add that when a guy asks you your fantasy, he's probably not asking you to say essentially, "I'd like to have sex with other dudes." I realize he asked, but I also think that unless you're sure he'd respond favorably to telling him this that perhaps it would have been prudent to self edit your response.

So I happen to think my wife's sister is really attractive and obviously I'd never pursue this, but is it a fantasy? Sure. But if DW asked me some night to share a fantasy I'd not say, "well, to screw your sister."

Men generally don't want to hear their wives tell them that they'd like to screw someone else. Just saying.

But again, he's being an ass in the way he's handling it. No question.

+1. I would self censor too myself but it's out there now. Hope things can be resolved soon OP. Keeping this hostility by both parties.will kill the marriage. I too think my husbands brother was really hot. And he made a pass that he found me hot too before both me and dh got together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have been married for 7 years.
Recently, we started trying to be a little more open sexually.
He asked me to share a fantasy. I told him I'd always wanted to be with 2 men at once.
Ever since, he has been making little comments to me about whether I had been out with someone else.
They are made in a joking manner, but are happening frequently enough for me to be able read between the lines.
He thinks I am messing around on him.
I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.
Today was the final straw. I have an old dress shirt that belonged to my father. I wear it while lounging around the house.
I wore it in front of my husband last week. He found it in the laundry and texted me asking who it belonged to.
I told him that I was getting tired of his implications. He told me that they aren't unplications. They're just jokes and questions.
I'm getting really tired of this.
I organize a women's social group. We meet once or twice per week to have coffee, go to dinner or play trivia.
We have an event planned to hear a band at a bar.
I know for a fact tht DH is going to act all weird about it.
We see a counselor, but our next appointment isnt for 3 weeks.
What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Are you sure he is freaked out? Perhaps he is actually into the idea and is just trying to play along, albeit clumsily.

That's a legit possibility, OP. Going by the letters in the Savage Love column, plenty of dudes are into the cuckolding fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's just a fantasy. I don't really want to go out and bang another guy. Just thinking about it is enough.
He shared that he wants to bring another woman into our bed. I didn't freak out. It's a sexual fantasy and I want him to feel comfortable sharing that with me. I asked him to tell me more about it. I haven't been making shitty comments about a very private thing he shared with me.

OP, I hear what you are saying and I am sorry that you are going through this. But obviously not everyone Has the same level of security and confidence. Just because you can handle his telling you his fantasy oF being with another another woman means that he can. If I told my wife that I wanted to be in a threesome with another woman, I think she woulD react similarly to your husband. I would not react the same way. I think in marriage, things should be fair, not necessarily equal.

[Anonymous]

OP, just talk about it with him. You can draw an analogy to something maybe he can actually relate to, like, does he ever imagine having sex with a model, stripper, or a porn actress? Would he ever actually pursue this while in a committed marriage to you? No, but thinking about it might help him get his libido off the ground, so to speak. So your "fantasy" was kind of like that--it lives only in your head and only when you're in the mood or getting in the mood. It's not something you actually want to pursue, and if in the kind of situation where it were a real possibility, you would actually be totally grossed out and run far far away. Because the truth is that in REAL LIFE, what you want is what you have: your husband.

Maybe all of that isn't true, but it might be good enough to soften the blow of what your DH finds to be causing him some insecurity.

He might then realize, "Oh, I see. It's like that. No biggie--just a "movie" running through her head, like the moves that run through mine. I can deal with that."

[Anonymous]

I don't blame you OP, mum would be the word for me from here on out if my husband started acting like this.

He asked you a question, point blank...And you gave an honest answer.

If he didn't like your answer, he never should have asked you the question. It's a Catch-22. He should know this.

Tell him this + let him know from now on, in no uncertain terms is he to make "jokes" or ask questions regarding what you told him. In fact, tell him to pretend that particular conversation never took place.

And if he goes all weird that you are going to a bar w/others, then tell him his behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate the mere mention of you possibly stepping out on him.

And mean it.

Good luck to you both. Hope things get better soon.