DH thinks I'm unfaithful

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have been married for 7 years.
Recently, we started trying to be a little more open sexually.
He asked me to share a fantasy. I told him I'd always wanted to be with 2 men at once.
Ever since, he has been making little comments to me about whether I had been out with someone else.
They are made in a joking manner, but are happening frequently enough for me to be able read between the lines.
He thinks I am messing around on him.
I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.
Today was the final straw. I have an old dress shirt that belonged to my father. I wear it while lounging around the house.
I wore it in front of my husband last week. He found it in the laundry and texted me asking who it belonged to.
I told him that I was getting tired of his implications. He told me that they aren't unplications. They're just jokes and questions.
I'm getting really tired of this.
I organize a women's social group. We meet once or twice per week to have coffee, go to dinner or play trivia.
We have an event planned to hear a band at a bar.
I know for a fact tht DH is going to act all weird about it.
We see a counselor, but our next appointment isnt for 3 weeks.
What the hell am I supposed to do in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

I should also mention that this has made me not want to share anything with my husband again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. I don't have much to offer up, except to spell it out for him like you did for us. Reassure him, and mention that y'all should bring it up at your next appointment.

[Anonymous]

"DH, a few weeks ago, you asked me to share a fantasy, so I did. Since then, you have been making 'jokes' about me cheating on you. I don't think these jokes are funny. I have not and will not cheat on you, and I need you to stop making these 'jokes' immediately."

Later, if he gives you grief about the band thing:

"DH, as you know, my group and I do various things. This week, we went to go see a band at a bar. I was there with Jenny and Julie, and it's been on my calendar for a month. If you are uncomfortable with me, Jenny and Julie going to a bar to see ZZZ Band, I would like to discuss that with you and figure out how we can resolve this issue."

This is about trust and his own insecurity. I would definitely be bringing it up in therapy. Between now and then, reiterate that his jokes aren't funny and that you need him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"DH, a few weeks ago, you asked me to share a fantasy, so I did. Since then, you have been making 'jokes' about me cheating on you. I don't think these jokes are funny. I have not and will not cheat on you, and I need you to stop making these 'jokes' immediately."

Later, if he gives you grief about the band thing:

"DH, as you know, my group and I do various things. This week, we went to go see a band at a bar. I was there with Jenny and Julie, and it's been on my calendar for a month. If you are uncomfortable with me, Jenny and Julie going to a bar to see ZZZ Band, I would like to discuss that with you and figure out how we can resolve this issue."

This is about trust and his own insecurity. I would definitely be bringing it up in therapy. Between now and then, reiterate that his jokes aren't funny and that you need him to stop.

This. Just do this. You'll make it to therapy in 3 weeks. Then work through it there.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, I don't have much advice but that is super shitty of your DH. Asking for a lover or spouse to share their fantasies with you then using that against them is some epic awfulness. Weaponizing confessions made in confidence is one of the most effective ways to destroy intimacy, hopefully your husband can see that before it's too late.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP made me realise that I'd forgotten a very important detail. These comments have slowly begin to affect my libido. I want nothing to do with him physically right now. That's just adding to his suspicion.

[Anonymous]

Guy here -

the whole fantasy of you wanting 2 guys is perfectly normal - but sounds like your DH is the type of guy who is incredibly insecure and in fact lacks confidence in himself that he is actually scared and worried.

did he share a fantasy of his with you? if he did and if you reacted well to it (assuming you did) use that as a demonstration of of how not be threatened.

better yet, he should read some of the threads here - maybe he'll learn a thing or two to help himself out.

[Anonymous]

DH here.

I'll preface my comments by saying that your DH's passive aggressive joking and accusations are out of line. I won't defend that. He should grow up.

However, I'll add that when a guy asks you your fantasy, he's probably not asking you to say essentially, "I'd like to have sex with other dudes." I realize he asked, but I also think that unless you're sure he'd respond favorably to telling him this that perhaps it would have been prudent to self edit your response.

So I happen to think my wife's sister is really attractive and obviously I'd never pursue this, but is it a fantasy? Sure. But if DW asked me some night to share a fantasy I'd not say, "well, to screw your sister."

Men generally don't want to hear their wives tell them that they'd like to screw someone else. Just saying.

But again, he's being an ass in the way he's handling it. No question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP made me realise that I'd forgotten a very important detail. These comments have slowly begin to affect my libido. I want nothing to do with him physically right now. That's just adding to his suspicion.

You need to communicate directly with him about this:

"When I tell you to stop joking about something and you don't, I feel dismissed and disrespected. It makes me not want to be intimate with you. It's a turn-off. So just stop."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.

Except that you told him you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP made me realise that I'd forgotten a very important detail. These comments have slowly begin to affect my libido. I want nothing to do with him physically right now. That's just adding to his suspicion.

Your reaction is totally normal. If my husband asked me what really turns me on, I confided in him, and he then turned around and used it against me, you can bet he wouldn't be getting laid for a damn long time. Yes, your husband may be insecure and that could be driving his behavior but it is still flat out unacceptable. Tell him that the reason you aren't attracted to him right now is because of his behavior and "joking" or not, it's killing your sex drive to have your fantasy used against you. He needs to cut this shit out immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband. I have no desire to be with anyone but him.

Except that you told him you did.

There is a huge difference between confessing a fantasy and an actual desire to be with another person in reality, much less a specific other person. The same way dressing up in a costume doesn't mean you actually want to be what you're dressing up as. We all fantasize about stuff we don't actually want to do when it comes down to it.

It's like enjoying historical romances - doesn't mean we want to go back in time to when our husbands would literally own us and we'd all die at 30 in childbirth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's just a fantasy. I don't really want to go out and bang another guy. Just thinking about it is enough.
He shared that he wants to bring another woman into our bed. I didn't freak out. It's a sexual fantasy and I want him to feel comfortable sharing that with me. I asked him to tell me more about it. I haven't been making shitty comments about a very private thing he shared with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It's just a fantasy. I don't really want to go out and bang another guy. Just thinking about it is enough.
He shared that he wants to bring another woman into our bed. I didn't freak out. It's a sexual fantasy and I want him to feel comfortable sharing that with me. I asked him to tell me more about it. I haven't been making shitty comments about a very private thing he shared with me.

So you've received some good advice here and things you might say to DH. What's your plan OP?