Reply to possibly adopting 3-year-old nephew

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband's sister had an unexpected pregnancy and gave birth to a beautiful little boy almost 3 years ago.  They live overseas and we don't know the child very well.  Since he was born the sister has struggled with being a parent.  She and her boyfriend think of him and treat him like he's nothing more than an annoyance.  She tells my DH how much she hates being a parent, that the boy is a "terrible child" and that "nobody likes him expect one of the dogs".  She admits to hitting the child and from what we've heard/seen she doesn't give much affection to him.  When we've visited, the child has always been sweet and wonderful.  He's about to turn 3, so of course he has the typical tantrums and occasional difficulties, but very normal behavior.  Other family members say that the child is just a typical little kid, but his parents just don't want him.  DH got a phone call from his sister a few weeks ago and she said she can't take it anymore, can't stand being a parent and her and her boyfriend have considered giving him up for adoption.  She wants out.  After a lot of discussion, DH and I offered to take him for the summer.  We have three kids of our own and my DH is visiting his family right now (pre-planned trip) and if all goes as planned, he'll be flying back with this little boy.  He'll be staying with us for 8 weeks and then his grandfather will fly here and bring him back home.  I'm nervous for several reasons....

1.  8 weeks is a long time and will the boy be traumatized being away from home so long?
2.  Will this negatively impact my own kids and the dynamics of my family?
3.  My DH is from another country...so this child doesn't speak English.  I don't speak his native language very well.  My children will be able to communicate with him, but it'll be hard for me.
4.  I'm worried about the financial cost of having another kid in daycare/camp.  We're living very tight money-wise and the sister/boyfriend are not in any position to help with money.
5.  Some family members and friends think that she won't want him back after the 8 weeks.  That this is like a "trial adoption" and we could end up with him permanently.  I'm not against adopting the boy, but it's a lot to consider.

Has anyone adopted a young child from a family member?  Or has taken care of another child for extended periods of time?  I'd appreciate any advice or similar stories.  Thank you.

We have a 4 year old nephew who was removed from his parents two years ago at 2 that we have considered adopting so I will try to answer your questions in light of our experience.

Yes, 8 weeks is a long time.  He will be very traumatized by the separation from his mother and father and from everyone and everything familiar to him.  It is one thing to visit a young child in his home environment, quite  another to bring them to a new town/city/county with a completely different language/culture and have him live with your family, who he has seen infrequently.  Every child longs for his home and his parents, even neglectful or abusive ones.

It will absolutely negatively impact your kids and family dynamics.  Who is going to care for the child while you both work?  Your nephew will be upset and very clingy.  If you are unable to communicate with the child, how the the nanny and camp personnel fare?  Your nephew will need a lot of attention and probably initially from your husband because he is more familiar and speaks the language.  If money is tight already, get ready for it to be stretched even more.  You and your husband will fight about it and cutbacks will need to be made somewhere.

To put him through this experience for two months, get him acclimated and bonding with your family, and then to send him back to an uncertain future?  That will retraumatize him, upset you and your children, and make your husband feel extremely guilty and possibly lose face with his family.

You have my sympathy and best wishes.  It is a very, very difficult situation and only you and your DH can make the choice that is right for your nuclear family.

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