I can't get past this and move on. Help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The key is that you don't need to like her, OP. You just need to be polite and include her when you can.

That's it. You cannot expect to love every sister-in-law/brother-in-law, or stepmother/father, or boyfriend/girlfriend of your family members, or EVEN your own daughter or son-in-law!

And with time, you might see the positive, genuine side of her and grow to love her. Much can happen to 50 years.

Take it slowly.

Wow! Thank you for this advice. I want to hear more from you. I want everyone to like me and I expect to like everyone in my circle. Outside of work, I'm not accustomed to being around people I don't care for. I'm trying to force myself to like her overnight. Perhaps, this can only truly come with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.

OP, a couple of thoughts.

First, if she and your brother don't know you still feel this way, then you are doing great. Sometimes we have to "just pretend" in our relationships. Are you nice to her? If so, keep that up and your thoughts will follow
I also wonder, how well do you really know her? How much time do you spend with her? If she is in your brother's life for good (we hope), then it behooves you to start strengthening a bond. Can you spend some time alone with her? Go on a shopping trip, out to lunch, weekend getaway? Just talk to her. Stop thinking of her as YOUR SIL and just view her as a person you are enjoying being around now.

If she has changed like you said she has, and their marriage is back on track, then she is doing something right and admirable. She has more than likely let go of some things in your brother's past, as well, and moved on from there. You could learn from her.

I appreciate your insight. They definitely don't know how I feel. Good advice to stop looking at her as a SIL. I could make an effort to spend time with her. My heart isn't in it. But perhaps that's a start.

It's not only a start, it's the only way! You have built this up much more in your mind, as opposed to what is reality. She's just another person, with the same insecurities, fears, capacity for fun, that you have.

Reach out to her. Suggest the two of you do .... something. Play tennis, go shopping, whatever. Then just go and enjoy that activity, that day, whatever you are doing. Ask her about her job, her friends, her interests. Tell her about your life. Baby steps, but I promise (from past experience) that this will work.

You can do this, OP. And you will be very, very glad that you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.

OP, a couple of thoughts.

First, if she and your brother don't know you still feel this way, then you are doing great. Sometimes we have to "just pretend" in our relationships. Are you nice to her? If so, keep that up and your thoughts will follow
I also wonder, how well do you really know her? How much time do you spend with her? If she is in your brother's life for good (we hope), then it behooves you to start strengthening a bond. Can you spend some time alone with her? Go on a shopping trip, out to lunch, weekend getaway? Just talk to her. Stop thinking of her as YOUR SIL and just view her as a person you are enjoying being around now.

If she has changed like you said she has, and their marriage is back on track, then she is doing something right and admirable. She has more than likely let go of some things in your brother's past, as well, and moved on from there. You could learn from her.

I appreciate your insight. They definitely don't know how I feel. Good advice to stop looking at her as a SIL. I could make an effort to spend time with her. My heart isn't in it. But perhaps that's a start.

It's not only a start, it's the only way! You have built this up much more in your mind, as opposed to what is reality. She's just another person, with the same insecurities, fears, capacity for fun, that you have.

Reach out to her. Suggest the two of you do .... something. Play tennis, go shopping, whatever. Then just go and enjoy that activity, that day, whatever you are doing. Ask her about her job, her friends, her interests. Tell her about your life. Baby steps, but I promise (from past experience) that this will work.

You can do this, OP. And you will be very, very glad that you did.

Thank you. I will make an attempt during the family vacation. I am really a person of peace. I feel so stressed over disliking her! Ugh! So time consuming and stressful it is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The key is that you don't need to like her, OP. You just need to be polite and include her when you can.

That's it. You cannot expect to love every sister-in-law/brother-in-law, or stepmother/father, or boyfriend/girlfriend of your family members, or EVEN your own daughter or son-in-law!

And with time, you might see the positive, genuine side of her and grow to love her. Much can happen to 50 years.

Take it slowly.

Wow! Thank you for this advice. I want to hear more from you. I want everyone to like me and I expect to like everyone in my circle. Outside of work, I'm not accustomed to being around people I don't care for. I'm trying to force myself to like her overnight. Perhaps, this can only truly come with time.

Well, now, this is a bit silly, isn't it? That may be the rule in kindergarten, where you have to invite the whole class to your birthday party, but real life is not like that. Of course there will be people you don't like and -- guess what -- people who don't particularly care for you.

But I don't think that's what's going on here. To be fair, you are not giving SIL -- in her new form -- a chance. You have already decided you don't like her. And as you have noticed, that is stressful and consumes so much energy.

Your family vacation outreach idea is a good one. Just relax, go and have fun. You will surprise yourself, I'm betting.

[Anonymous]

You don't like her. Fine. Own it. It seems hard for you to see yourself as someone who arbitrarily dislikes another person, but that seems to be the case here.

Also, you and your parents seem to be giving his way too much airtime in your heads. Ask yourself if there is a deeper reason you are so focused on her. Is it because you just would not ever like anyone enough for your brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The key is that you don't need to like her, OP. You just need to be polite and include her when you can.

That's it. You cannot expect to love every sister-in-law/brother-in-law, or stepmother/father, or boyfriend/girlfriend of your family members, or EVEN your own daughter or son-in-law!

And with time, you might see the positive, genuine side of her and grow to love her. Much can happen to 50 years.

Take it slowly.

Wow! Thank you for this advice. I want to hear more from you. I want everyone to like me and I expect to like everyone in my circle. Outside of work, I'm not accustomed to being around people I don't care for. I'm trying to force myself to like her overnight. Perhaps, this can only truly come with time.

Well, now, this is a bit silly, isn't it? That may be the rule in kindergarten, where you have to invite the whole class to your birthday party, but real life is not like that. Of course there will be people you don't like and -- guess what -- people who don't particularly care for you.

But I don't think that's what's going on here. To be fair, you are not giving SIL -- in her new form -- a chance. You have already decided you don't like her. And as you have noticed, that is stressful and consumes so much energy.

Your family vacation outreach idea is a good one. Just relax, go and have fun. You will surprise yourself, I'm betting.

Thanks. Probably silly. But everyone in my circle (outside of a few co workers) I genuinely really like. I know that SIL is different and even said she's pretty much being the SIL I always wanted but I almost feel like I'm treating her like " a little too late" and I know it's wrong. I've dealt with SIL for several years how she was. The way she is now, is so much better. I know it's not right to hold it against her. And just to be clear. The things I'm referring to are all personality based. Nothing to do with drugs, prostitution, etc as implied earlier above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't like her. Fine. Own it. It seems hard for you to see yourself as someone who arbitrarily dislikes another person, but that seems to be the case here.

Also, you and your parents seem to be giving his way too much airtime in your heads. Ask yourself if there is a deeper reason you are so focused on her. Is it because you just would not ever like anyone enough for your brother?

Op here, yes. I'm giving this way too much airtime. I don't know to move past the thoughts.

[Anonymous]

OP, out of curiosity, what qualities did she have that you didn't like? What changes did she make that you like better?

Sometimes people get off on the wrong foot and have a hard time coming back from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, out of curiosity, what qualities did she have that you didn't like? What changes did she make that you like better?

Sometimes people get off on the wrong foot and have a hard time coming back from it. [/quote


I'm afraid to give too much info. That's why I'm posting here for help. But it wasn't an off on the wrong foot sort of thing. This went on for three years plus.
I really appreciate all of the feedback I've received. I'm going to implement changes and really make an effort. Life is so short, and I'm sick (literally) of allowing this to bother me. I could never understand how parents obsessed over their kids choices of significant others, but now here I am In the same predicament.

[Anonymous]

do you have your own marriage to focus on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:do you have your own marriage to focus on?

Yes. I totally do. I know!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:do you have your own marriage to focus on?

Yes. I totally do. I know!!!

Trust me, I'm not proud of this. I'm not meddling with their marriage. I'm just having a hard time accepting it is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years back my brother married. We (family) weren't very fond of his choice and we were warranted in feeling the way that we did, but we knew it wasn't our business and so we didn't rock the boat. Things became strained with them both and they were headed for a divorce. Our family doesn't believe in divorce so we encouraged him to work it out. (I don't regret this) A few months later she began to change. At first I didn't think it was genuine but a year later and she's doing pretty well. Fast forward to the present...she's almost the sil I have always wanted yet I can't get pass the past. I'm embarrassed that I stress out so much when she's around. She makes my heart race when she texts me or if I hear anything about her. I'm an anxious person but this is really bad. She's not the girl that I would have wanted for my Brother. But she's not a monster. How can I get past this? Time? Does anyone have any idea? I'm feeling pretty crummy. Everyone else in the family has gotten over it and moved on. Me I'm just pretending...
We are a close family. We will be together soon for a week. I need to get it together.

Your family sounds insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap! Are you 12. Get a therapist and move on!

[Anonymous]

My DH and I broke up for a year before we got married. His brother held it against me for a long time but I hope, 25 years later, he has forgiven me but does not completely trust me to this day. That's the kind of person he is. What he doesn't realize, or anyone for that matter, is the reason we broke up. My DH is a wonderful man but has a personal problem that is very hard to deal with. We have made it work but it is still annoying that my ILs have this idea that he is perfect and I am lucky he took me back. You should be happy for your brother and SIL that they were able to make it work.