ADHD son has no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a son, 7, with ASD/ADHD and he has friends even a best friend. Does you son have an IEP/504? My son has to be taught social cues and "how to be a friend" explicitly like how he is taught math. Our public school and his teachers have been teaching him since prek4 when he entered school and got his diagnosis.

There are lots of things the school can do to help with social issues. In fact, all of my son's IEP goals involve social communication not academics (where he has no issues).

You can have one-on-one play dates as has been suggested but your son with be best served with direct social instruction. Does your school have a school counselor? At our school, the counselor runs social skills classes as well as the SLP.

I know you mean well and your advice is solid, however it overlooks two things: one, you kid has an astonishingly large and unusual amount of free social lessons year after year. This is unlikely to be replicated to this extent and solve the problem (esp as kids get older, schools aren't going to do that if kid is meeting academic targets and curriculum as "accessed."

Two, some ADHD kids' quirks are just more socially appealing than other quirks. Your kid may have friends and even a best friend because he doesn't lick his classmates' faces or sit on his classmate. Some ADHD kids I know personally have overwhelming and uncontrollable impulse to do this sort of social pariah stuff -- other hallmark ADHD things which are MUCH more socially acceptable among peers -- like blurt out answers to the teacher or get up during a lesson without permission.

IME, 5-8 year old boys are a lot more forgiving of -- and even celebratory over -- some ADHD traits than others. Think about whether your son has an uncontrollable urge to put his fingers in his neighbors nose, for example.

I simply wanted to point out that there are things that can be done at and by the school (for free!) to help kids with social issues. For instance, at our school you don't need an official diagnosis or an IEP/504 to have social skills lessons from the school counselor. You only have to ask. We did not know this until this year when DS was having a lot of behavioral issues.

My kid's IEP has only addressed social communication and behavior since he got it in prek4. IDEA is not limited to "academics" but "educational impact". Our school considers having friends, the ability to work with other kids in groups, being able to ask for help when needed, etc to have an "educational impact". We just had our three year IEP reevaluation this year and the fact that DS is at least 2 levels above grade level in academics was not an issue in renewing the IEP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a son, 7, with ASD/ADHD and he has friends even a best friend. Does you son have an IEP/504? My son has to be taught social cues and "how to be a friend" explicitly like how he is taught math. Our public school and his teachers have been teaching him since prek4 when he entered school and got his diagnosis.

There are lots of things the school can do to help with social issues. In fact, all of my son's IEP goals involve social communication not academics (where he has no issues).

You can have one-on-one play dates as has been suggested but your son with be best served with direct social instruction. Does your school have a school counselor? At our school, the counselor runs social skills classes as well as the SLP.

I know you mean well and your advice is solid, however it overlooks two things: one, you kid has an astonishingly large and unusual amount of free social lessons year after year. This is unlikely to be replicated to this extent and solve the problem (esp as kids get older, schools aren't going to do that if kid is meeting academic targets and curriculum as "accessed."

Two, some ADHD kids' quirks are just more socially appealing than other quirks. Your kid may have friends and even a best friend because he doesn't lick his classmates' faces or sit on his classmate. Some ADHD kids I know personally have overwhelming and uncontrollable impulse to do this sort of social pariah stuff -- other hallmark ADHD things which are MUCH more socially acceptable among peers -- like blurt out answers to the teacher or get up during a lesson without permission.

IME, 5-8 year old boys are a lot more forgiving of -- and even celebratory over -- some ADHD traits than others. Think about whether your son has an uncontrollable urge to put his fingers in his neighbors nose, for example.

I simply wanted to point out that there are things that can be done at and by the school (for free!) to help kids with social issues. For instance, at our school you don't need an official diagnosis or an IEP/504 to have social skills lessons from the school counselor. You only have to ask. We did not know this until this year when DS was having a lot of behavioral issues.

My kid's IEP has only addressed social communication and behavior since he got it in prek4. IDEA is not limited to "academics" but "educational impact". Our school considers having friends, the ability to work with other kids in groups, being able to ask for help when needed, etc to have an "educational impact". We just had our three year IEP reevaluation this year and the fact that DS is at least 2 levels above grade level in academics was not an issue in renewing the IEP.

What school is this??

[Anonymous]

It is a language immersion charter in DC. I should add the caveat that at the time of the IEP renewal, DS behavior was so horrible that his academics hardly ever came up and the
IEP team was concerned that DS may have to go to a SN school for behavior. Fortunately, all behavior issues were resolved. The school counselor told me at the end of year, that DS's problems earlier in the year was simply a "blip".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11-yo is the same.

I wonder if it's even harder due to his race.

He's hyper, quirky, attention seeking, annoying, and a minority. We've made peace with the fact that that is who he is, and we will continue to encourage New friendship but will not be pushing it anymore.

My guess is "no". Kids do not see race, they just don't. Not at that age. They recognize if someone is a "different color", but that is where it ends.

Kids definitely see race and black boys are stigmatized by the label "oppositional defiant" in far, far greater number than their white peers. The ADHD piece isn't acknowledged and incorporated into the school experience. Instead, black boys tend to be punished more for "bad behavior" rather than receive support.

DS who is AA and attends a Title 1 school has found a good place for himself at a predominantly white camp, where he has made friends easily. Black masculinity is a complex, heavy burden that hits boys much younger than I ever imagined.

I tried linking him to coaches through a local Boys and Girls Club and it was a pretty awful experience. Same with DC Rec. So, this year, I sent him to a predominantly white camp that focuses on the outdoors with lots of team-building and physical work. He's tired and happy at the end of each day. It's been fabulous. I didn't intentionally set out to send him to a "white camp" it ended up that way. Since boys bond by doing (and girls bond by talking) I thought a really outdoorsy camp would be the answer. So far, so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a son, 7, with ASD/ADHD and he has friends even a best friend. Does you son have an IEP/504? My son has to be taught social cues and "how to be a friend" explicitly like how he is taught math. Our public school and his teachers have been teaching him since prek4 when he entered school and got his diagnosis.

There are lots of things the school can do to help with social issues. In fact, all of my son's IEP goals involve social communication not academics (where he has no issues).

You can have one-on-one play dates as has been suggested but your son with be best served with direct social instruction. Does your school have a school counselor? At our school, the counselor runs social skills classes as well as the SLP.

I know you mean well and your advice is solid, however it overlooks two things: one, you kid has an astonishingly large and unusual amount of free social lessons year after year. This is unlikely to be replicated to this extent and solve the problem (esp as kids get older, schools aren't going to do that if kid is meeting academic targets and curriculum as "accessed."

Two, some ADHD kids' quirks are just more socially appealing than other quirks. Your kid may have friends and even a best friend because he doesn't lick his classmates' faces or sit on his classmate. Some ADHD kids I know personally have overwhelming and uncontrollable impulse to do this sort of social pariah stuff -- other hallmark ADHD things which are MUCH more socially acceptable among peers -- like blurt out answers to the teacher or get up during a lesson without permission.

IME, 5-8 year old boys are a lot more forgiving of -- and even celebratory over -- some ADHD traits than others. Think about whether your son has an uncontrollable urge to put his fingers in his neighbors nose, for example.

I simply wanted to point out that there are things that can be done at and by the school (for free!) to help kids with social issues. For instance, at our school you don't need an official diagnosis or an IEP/504 to have social skills lessons from the school counselor. You only have to ask. We did not know this until this year when DS was having a lot of behavioral issues.

My kid's IEP has only addressed social communication and behavior since he got it in prek4. IDEA is not limited to "academics" but "educational impact". Our school considers having friends, the ability to work with other kids in groups, being able to ask for help when needed, etc to have an "educational impact". We just had our three year IEP reevaluation this year and the fact that DS is at least 2 levels above grade level in academics was not an issue in renewing the IEP.

We asked, and asked and asked and asked and it took a year and a half the school would do anything and then it was very little. Glad we didn't wait.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Hang in there, we've been in the same place and still struggle with our 10yo. He does have friends now, but we work and work and work at it. For a Social Skills group, we did the program at In Step in Fairfax. We are also very fortunate to have had access to a wonderful school social worker (we're in FCPS). She pulled our son into a "lunch buddies" group starting in the 1st grade to work on social skills. After that, she was available to him at any time to help with social issues. He just finished the 4th grade and he still had occasion to go to her for advice off and on throughout the year. Outside of school, we had to find activities (someone mentioned Bo houry Scouts and that's a great idea), and then arrange for one-on-one playdates that are bounded (1 hour to start, focused on a specific activity). We also try to become friends ourselves with our son's friends so that we try to set an example for both kids. That doesn't always work out of course, but it's been worth it for when it does.

I also have to say that he would be completely friendless without the help of medication. He started at the age of 6 when he finished Kindergarten, and yes we did it in the summer. That was absolutely positively crucial, because the medication eliminates 90% of the behaviors that are off-putting to other kids. Most of the social issues he encounters these days are when the medication wears off and he gets loud and impulsive and inflexible.

Just keep working at it. I know it's so hard . Are you a member of CHADD (chadd.org)? If so, you can read some of the articles they have on helping kids with ADHD develop social skills. CHADD also has local chapters that may run support groups and that can also be a source of playdates and friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a son, 7, with ASD/ADHD and he has friends even a best friend. Does you son have an IEP/504? My son has to be taught social cues and "how to be a friend" explicitly like how he is taught math. Our public school and his teachers have been teaching him since prek4 when he entered school and got his diagnosis.

There are lots of things the school can do to help with social issues. In fact, all of my son's IEP goals involve social communication not academics (where he has no issues).

You can have one-on-one play dates as has been suggested but your son with be best served with direct social instruction. Does your school have a school counselor? At our school, the counselor runs social skills classes as well as the SLP.

I know you mean well and your advice is solid, however it overlooks two things: one, you kid has an astonishingly large and unusual amount of free social lessons year after year. This is unlikely to be replicated to this extent and solve the problem (esp as kids get older, schools aren't going to do that if kid is meeting academic targets and curriculum as "accessed."

Two, some ADHD kids' quirks are just more socially appealing than other quirks. Your kid may have friends and even a best friend because he doesn't lick his classmates' faces or sit on his classmate. Some ADHD kids I know personally have overwhelming and uncontrollable impulse to do this sort of social pariah stuff -- other hallmark ADHD things which are MUCH more socially acceptable among peers -- like blurt out answers to the teacher or get up during a lesson without permission.

IME, 5-8 year old boys are a lot more forgiving of -- and even celebratory over -- some ADHD traits than others. Think about whether your son has an uncontrollable urge to put his fingers in his neighbors nose, for example.

I simply wanted to point out that there are things that can be done at and by the school (for free!) to help kids with social issues. For instance, at our school you don't need an official diagnosis or an IEP/504 to have social skills lessons from the school counselor. You only have to ask. We did not know this until this year when DS was having a lot of behavioral issues.

My kid's IEP has only addressed social communication and behavior since he got it in prek4. IDEA is not limited to "academics" but "educational impact". Our school considers having friends, the ability to work with other kids in groups, being able to ask for help when needed, etc to have an "educational impact". We just had our three year IEP reevaluation this year and the fact that DS is at least 2 levels above grade level in academics was not an issue in renewing the IEP.

We asked, and asked and asked and asked and it took a year and a half the school would do anything and then it was very little. Glad we didn't wait.

? I am the pp at the top of this thread. We never had to ask and ask and ask. My kid's IEP since he got it in prek only addressed social communication and behavior issues never academics. The school is the one who suggested that he needs an evaluation, so we never had to fight for an IEP.

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend a social skills group, and if you haven't, that you read the book "it's so much work to be your friend." The part of doing "autopsies" to figure out what went wrong in social situations has been helpful to my DS. Also, big groups are not always the best place for ADHD kids to make friends. Try for some 1-on-1 play dates at home - but: (1) keep them short, around an hour and a half tops and have some activities planned for the kids, (2) if your kid has siblings make sure they are out, otherwise the guests may gravitate to the siblings and the play date will be wasted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a son, 7, with ASD/ADHD and he has friends even a best friend. Does you son have an IEP/504? My son has to be taught social cues and "how to be a friend" explicitly like how he is taught math. Our public school and his teachers have been teaching him since prek4 when he entered school and got his diagnosis.

There are lots of things the school can do to help with social issues. In fact, all of my son's IEP goals involve social communication not academics (where he has no issues).

You can have one-on-one play dates as has been suggested but your son with be best served with direct social instruction. Does your school have a school counselor? At our school, the counselor runs social skills classes as well as the SLP.

Ditto. My dc has lots of accommodations to aid social interaction. Op could your child also have non verbal learning disability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart aches for you. I know how hard this can be. As parents we suffer as much or more when our children suffer. I would agree with parenting classes and one on one time with other kids. Does your son take medication? I noticed my son was much less annoying on meds. He has outgrown a lot of his "annoying" behaviors now and has a lot of friends, so don't despair.

+ 1. Our ADHD DC turned out to have autism. Same story. DC, as a young adult has very few friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so very sorry you and he are going through this. Making and keeping friends during the childhood years is tough even without ADHD challenges. But as he grows older, he'll develop the maturity to understand and react more appropriately to the social cues. He'll find his people. Meanwhile, big group situations, like camp, may be good to avoid for awhile after he makes it through this one. One-on-ones as folks mentioned above. And interacting with kids like him who understand him.

Are there opportunities for him to have one-on-ones with other kids with his ADHD characteristics? That may help him a lot. They'll get him.

This is not necessarily true. My DH has ADHD and has trouble making friends because he doesn't notice/pick up on social cues.

I'd get him in a social skills group when he's still young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a son, 7, with ASD/ADHD and he has friends even a best friend. Does you son have an IEP/504? My son has to be taught social cues and "how to be a friend" explicitly like how he is taught math. Our public school and his teachers have been teaching him since prek4 when he entered school and got his diagnosis.

There are lots of things the school can do to help with social issues. In fact, all of my son's IEP goals involve social communication not academics (where he has no issues).

You can have one-on-one play dates as has been suggested but your son with be best served with direct social instruction. Does your school have a school counselor? At our school, the counselor runs social skills classes as well as the SLP.

I know you mean well and your advice is solid, however it overlooks two things: one, you kid has an astonishingly large and unusual amount of free social lessons year after year. This is unlikely to be replicated to this extent and solve the problem (esp as kids get older, schools aren't going to do that if kid is meeting academic targets and curriculum as "accessed."

Two, some ADHD kids' quirks are just more socially appealing than other quirks. Your kid may have friends and even a best friend because he doesn't lick his classmates' faces or sit on his classmate. Some ADHD kids I know personally have overwhelming and uncontrollable impulse to do this sort of social pariah stuff -- other hallmark ADHD things which are MUCH more socially acceptable among peers -- like blurt out answers to the teacher or get up during a lesson without permission.

IME, 5-8 year old boys are a lot more forgiving of -- and even celebratory over -- some ADHD traits than others. Think about whether your son has an uncontrollable urge to put his fingers in his neighbors nose, for example.

I simply wanted to point out that there are things that can be done at and by the school (for free!) to help kids with social issues. For instance, at our school you don't need an official diagnosis or an IEP/504 to have social skills lessons from the school counselor. You only have to ask. We did not know this until this year when DS was having a lot of behavioral issues.

My kid's IEP has only addressed social communication and behavior since he got it in prek4. IDEA is not limited to "academics" but "educational impact". Our school considers having friends, the ability to work with other kids in groups, being able to ask for help when needed, etc to have an "educational impact". We just had our three year IEP reevaluation this year and the fact that DS is at least 2 levels above grade level in academics was not an issue in renewing the IEP.

We asked, and asked and asked and asked and it took a year and a half the school would do anything and then it was very little. Glad we didn't wait.

? I am the pp at the top of this thread. We never had to ask and ask and ask. My kid's IEP since he got it in prek only addressed social communication and behavior issues never academics. The school is the one who suggested that he needs an evaluation, so we never had to fight for an IEP.

Some things besides the social skills instruction in DS's IEP that helps were the teachers matching him up with other kids when he was in preK and K, one of these kids is his best friend in 1st and 2nd grades. DS's best friend is also ASD/ADHD. DS told me they plan to live together when they grow up. So cute!

His teachers had lunch with DS one day out of the week this year and one of them taught DS the pokemon card game which he then taught his best friend and others. DS is popular and kids like him.

Because the teachers are aware of DS's issues, they have really gone out of their way to help him with his social issues.

Ask the school for help. They may surprise you.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11-yo is the same.

I wonder if it's even harder due to his race.

He's hyper, quirky, attention seeking, annoying, and a minority. We've made peace with the fact that that is who he is, and we will continue to encourage New friendship but will not be pushing it anymore.

My guess is "no". Kids do not see race, they just don't. Not at that age. They recognize if someone is a "different color", but that is where it ends.

Kids definitely see race and black boys are stigmatized by the label "oppositional defiant" in far, far greater number than their white peers. The ADHD piece isn't acknowledged and incorporated into the school experience. Instead, black boys tend to be punished more for "bad behavior" rather than receive support.

DS who is AA and attends a Title 1 school has found a good place for himself at a predominantly white camp, where he has made friends easily. Black masculinity is a complex, heavy burden that hits boys much younger than I ever imagined.

I tried linking him to coaches through a local Boys and Girls Club and it was a pretty awful experience. Same with DC Rec. So, this year, I sent him to a predominantly white camp that focuses on the outdoors with lots of team-building and physical work. He's tired and happy at the end of each day. It's been fabulous. I didn't intentionally set out to send him to a "white camp" it ended up that way. Since boys bond by doing (and girls bond by talking) I thought a really outdoorsy camp would be the answer. So far, so good.

PP this is very interesting and insightful. Thank you for posting these thoughts. Kudos to you for persevering to find what seems to be an answer, at least for now. I have a question for you about the bold statement. Do you find that your DH and/or other male family members are well-equipped and ready to deal with this issue? It does seem to surface at a younger age for AA boys, as compared to many of their white counterparts, and I wonder how the men in his immediate life recognize and assist with this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to everyone who replied with words of encouragement and suggestions. He has been on meds since November his behavior has improved its the social cues that he still doesn't pick up on. He's in therapy, once a month (Feel like it should be more but....) and I will ask her about the social groups. We've tried to do the play dates from school but get turned down because he's been branded "that kid" in class. He's a great kid. Smart, funny, caring and weird (in a good way) but he's so overbearing kids don't know how to handle it and want nothing to do with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to everyone who replied with words of encouragement and suggestions. He has been on meds since November his behavior has improved its the social cues that he still doesn't pick up on. He's in therapy, once a month (Feel like it should be more but....) and I will ask her about the social groups. We've tried to do the play dates from school but get turned down because he's been branded "that kid" in class. He's a great kid. Smart, funny, caring and weird (in a good way) but he's so overbearing kids don't know how to handle it and want nothing to do with him.

OP, look for another "that kid" at his school and see if you can get a play date.