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[quote=Anonymous]I came to this thread because I was combing DCUM for advice for dealing with my 11 yr old DD, who, practically overnight, has gone from a sweet, helpful, happy kid to a jerk who seems mostly unhappy and angry and anxious. She used to verbalize her thoughts and feelings and now she seems... shut down, although she did tell us that she "resents" us for parenting her since she thinks she doesn't need parenting. She also yelled at us for having "too many rules" for her to follow. Once the pain went away, I was frankly perplexed. We are soooo not rule-bound. The stuff she is complaining about are things that I don't even think of as "rules" like 1.) flushing the toilet after you poop and 2.) showering nightly and brushing teeth. Or they are no-brainer rules that, in my view, practically every parent should have like "don't download apps without permission" and "no social media unless one of your parents is allowed as a friend/follower." Or they involve her very minimal chores (pick up your own dirty plate; put your dirty laundry into your hamper). That's it. Life used to seem so simple. She was happy to do her minimal chores to be part of the family/community. She was fine with the e-rules since it meant she got a smart phone. And she seemed to struggle with the personal hygiene stuff (I have never figured our why), but if we reminded her, she was compliant.

Anyway, this whole discussion on validation is very helpful. I can see how it could make some of the recent oppositional conversations I'm having with DD much more positive. But.... well... I just don't get how you're still supposed to teach them values/life skills with this kind of thing? I'm sorry if I sound dumb, but, this example about the homework perplexes me. (The rat one I completely understand. You are expressing empathy in an appropriate way and the child doesn't need any kind of "correction" etc.  in that scenario.) But in the other example, let's say you're talking about a child who consistently forgets their homework. They don't have a learning disability or an inability to remember. Let's say you have a good student, above average intelligence and maturity level,  and they just don't consistently meet basic expectations? In the example used, it doesn't seem like it's the child's first time forgetting. In fact, it seems like it's a pattern. I feel like it's my job to teach her that consistently forgetting to hand in her homework is a problem that needs to be fixed. I do it as positively as possible. For example, in this example, I would empathize with the embarrassment.  But I would definitely, at some point, move to what is being called the "but..."  I'd definitely say, kindly, after empathizing, that not turning in the homework is something she needs to get better at and then would try to brainstorm how to do better. I feel like, especially when dealing with tweens (or even younger), that empathy alone isn't effective parenting. How else does my child learn that not flushing the toilet or not turning in homework is not acceptable long-term behavior? Obviously I'm no parenting expert and based on my child's current assessment, I'm failing miserably so I'm asking for advice. But I just can't get it into my head that, after expressing empathy, I'm not allowed to say that "x" is wrong/undesired behavior. And almost every day of fifth grade sadly brought us an opportunity for such a discussion. She picked on other kids. She broke the trust of her friends by telling her secrets. She talked too much to her friends in class that teacher complained to principal. She lied about things. She spent a few days as part of a "club" that doesn't eat lunch so she could be skinnier. I get that I'm lucky that these aren't huge life or death issues but I view them as all moments where a parent is supposed to step in and explain how to be a better friend, a good student, a nice person, or a healthy kid.  And how do they learn that when I'm busy avoiding saying any kind of statement about not meeting expectations or about trying better???  I see the therapists weighing in saying "bravo" so I'm feeling like a terrible parent but I don't understand how to do this![/quote]

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