My Daughter Has Her Own Version of Reality

[Anonymous]

And by the way, I totally understand your reference to Steve Jobs. My husband sometimes does exactly the same thing and I tell him to stop acting like SJ.

[Anonymous]

I'm sort of on the fence here. The fact that your daughter remembers things differently from you, and remembers things in a way that favors herself seems pretty normal to me. We all have our own version of reality. What you say doesn't strike me as at all unusual. I remember fights with my husband differently than he does. I remember conversations differently. Now -- if the very essence of the fight/conversation is radically different, that is troubling. If we never agree, that is troubling. But generally, I think we all tend to construe reality in our own favor, don't you? I don't think it would be healthy for your child to remember events in a way that made her seem one-down. Why would you want her to?

[Anonymous]

I think you should give us an example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really comparing your kid to Steve Jobs. Wow.

You clearly have problems with simile. Do you also have problems with other metahpors and analogies?.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Did your daughter have the exact same cancer too?!?

Wow, NP here. You're a horrible (and dense) person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Just wanted to bring up this possibility if you are looking for why this can be happening.
Sure it could be because she's a tween and then she'll be a teen.
I'm reading a book now about adult ADD and one of the things that they mention is what you describe- forgotten conversations, agreements, a completely different perception of what actually happened.

My 13 year old DD is creative and temperamental too, and she has ADHD. Your description sounds familiar to me.
I am afraid it's going to cause her problems later in life, that's why I'm reading a book about Adult ADD. These kinds of traits just don't go away.

Ugh, DCUM's answer to everything -- ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Make an appointment with a teen psychologist. I would take this seriously, because your daughter needs to acknowledge there is a problem, then understand that this is hurting her in the long-term, and then needs to have strategies to control herself.

She is not a teen yet.

[Anonymous]

none of you appear to know adolescent development very well, or how adolescents tend to work/take in their environment... other than the cases of outright lying (curfew) which is very different, i would guess that she feels fundamentally misunderstood, perhaps patronized, and is unable to assert her independence. Instead of assuming you are always right (which, you may be, but let's just try a different tactic), try asking her questions and starting a conversation, and try to understand her viewpoint. Approach the conversation like you would a negotiation with a colleague: you can still go into the conversation with your own agenda and your own idea of what you want, but you have to "play nice" and hear the other person out. She will feel respected, perhaps grow more confident in asserting her needs/desires or wishes, and maybe you guys can start to figure out what the real problems are. If you want to see change in her, your approach needs to change, and it has to be genuine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really comparing your kid to Steve Jobs. Wow.

You clearly have problems with simile. Do you also have problems with other metahpors and analogies?.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Did your daughter have the exact same cancer too?!?

Wow, NP here. You're a horrible (and dense) person.

You may want to service your Sarcasm Detector.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are really comparing your kid to Steve Jobs. Wow.

My DD will only eat carrots so i think in my case it's an apt comparison

[Anonymous]

I think if your daughter feels "that's not how it happened" her viewpoint is worthy of credence, even if you feel it's wrong or off-base. Her point of view should be respected. It sounds as if you don't even feel her version of events is worth listening to or considering, which is troubling.

And unless there's a video camera in your home that you can all sit down and watch a movie of events and establish the forensic record of "what happened," then what happened is a matter of subjective opinion. She's just as entitled to offer her version of events as you are. I'd be thankful she's confident and can speak up, since it sounds like you routinely shoot her down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Just wanted to bring up this possibility if you are looking for why this can be happening.
Sure it could be because she's a tween and then she'll be a teen.
I'm reading a book now about adult ADD and one of the things that they mention is what you describe- forgotten conversations, agreements, a completely different perception of what actually happened.

My 13 year old DD is creative and temperamental too, and she has ADHD. Your description sounds familiar to me.
I am afraid it's going to cause her problems later in life, that's why I'm reading a book about Adult ADD. These kinds of traits just don't go away.

Ugh, DCUM's answer to everything -- ADHD.

Yes, Ugh, right? That's what I said too.
I only did a lot of research on it after my DD got diagnosed. Sure yes, it's "over diagnosed" for children only because it's now being evaluated more often.
It's totally under diagnosed for adults because back 10,15,20 years ago, ADHD was only known as depression, anxiety, etc. These are the same people who are pre-disposed to addictions.

Now that I know the symptoms, I realize I know so many people around me who have it. It's not just about "personalities." These personalities are neurologically based.
What makes a person forgetful? Absent-minded? Remember events completely different from what actually happened?

So you can say ugh all you want. But you might want to do some research and observe people around you.

[Anonymous]

Christ. My mother is 67 and is still like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Just wanted to bring up this possibility if you are looking for why this can be happening.
Sure it could be because she's a tween and then she'll be a teen.
I'm reading a book now about adult ADD and one of the things that they mention is what you describe- forgotten conversations, agreements, a completely different perception of what actually happened.

My 13 year old DD is creative and temperamental too, and she has ADHD. Your description sounds familiar to me.
I am afraid it's going to cause her problems later in life, that's why I'm reading a book about Adult ADD. These kinds of traits just don't go away.

Ugh, DCUM's answer to everything -- ADHD.

Yes, Ugh, right? That's what I said too.
I only did a lot of research on it after my DD got diagnosed. Sure yes, it's "over diagnosed" for children only because it's now being evaluated more often.
It's totally under diagnosed for adults because back 10,15,20 years ago, ADHD was only known as depression, anxiety, etc. These are the same people who are pre-disposed to addictions.

Now that I know the symptoms, I realize I know so many people around me who have it. It's not just about "personalities." These personalities are neurologically based.
What makes a person forgetful? Absent-minded? Remember events completely different from what actually happened?

So you can say ugh all you want. But you might want to do some research and observe people around you.

New poster. It's great that your daughter is getting the help she needs. But there are many reasons why a person can be depressed, anxious, forgetful, absent-minded, and see the world differently from others. ADHD is just one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:none of you appear to know adolescent development very well, or how adolescents tend to work/take in their environment... other than the cases of outright lying (curfew) which is very different, i would guess that she feels fundamentally misunderstood, perhaps patronized, and is unable to assert her independence. Instead of assuming you are always right (which, you may be, but let's just try a different tactic), try asking her questions and starting a conversation, and try to understand her viewpoint. Approach the conversation like you would a negotiation with a colleague: you can still go into the conversation with your own agenda and your own idea of what you want, but you have to "play nice" and hear the other person out. She will feel respected, perhaps grow more confident in asserting her needs/desires or wishes, and maybe you guys can start to figure out what the real problems are. If you want to see change in her, your approach needs to change, and it has to be genuine.

Be careful - most teens go through some argumentative phase where their reality does not match their parents, but OP's description of her daughter goes far beyond that. Plus she says her husband and herself have been worried for some time. This is not typical behavior, and needs to be studied and addressed.

[Anonymous]

I'm not PP, but I don't see how the description goes far beyond. Explain.