My Daughter Has Her Own Version of Reality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--you don't say if she acts this way with others. If so, this is a more concerning problem because she will alienate her peers and become socially isolated. I'd hop right on it with a therapist etc.

I also think that you and the PP with a daughter going into last year of high school need to re-evaluate how you are responding to your DC. I cannot recommend highly enough practicing validation. This is a technique developed for people with borderline personality disorder (funny a PP mentioned this), but it works really well with pre-teens and teens.

Practicing validation turned around my relationship with my teen DD 180 degrees. I just read up on it and put it into practice.

Google validation and BPD. One good book on this is "Stop Walking on Eggshells." There are others. With some internet searching you'll be able to get the gist of it and see if this could work for you.

OP here. thank you for this suggestion and some of the more helpful ones.
To clear up a few things: I only used Steve Jobs as an example, I am in no way comparing my daughter to him but I thought that, for those who read the book, they could understand what I am talking about. I had thought about adding "but she's no genius" and figured I would be jumped on for dumping on my kid. I guess on DCUM you can't win.

She has been diagnosed with ADHD and is in therapy so I guess it makes sense that this sort of behavior is linked. What a joy this ADHD is! depression, anxiety and this too!

Here's an example of her alternate reality: She swears she went to archery camp. Now, as her mother, I am 1000% certain that she did not go to archery camp. She has no reason to lie about this to me (to her friends, yes - and I will get to that), but in her mind this absolutely happened.

With many of these things DH and i just go along with it because sometimes it's harmless or just not worth the fight. But, at certain times we feel that she just cannot get away with spouting falsehoods because little things, like "going to archery camp," could turn into big things that could really get her or someone else into trouble. We do try to "negotiate" with her on details to validate her opinion but it can be frustrating.

So while DH and I can mostly manage this behavior, my biggest concern is how it has affected relationships with peers. She does lie a lot, and admits as much, but when these lies turn into "reality" kids are not as understanding. She does have friends but has alienated many. Some put up with her better than others. If she continues this into adulthood it could be problematic.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a lot like my daughter who has adhd, diagnosed at end of 6 the grade.

[Anonymous]

Validation PP here.

People with BPD lie a lot. Not that your DD has it--in fact it can't be dx'ed before age 18. But because of this, I think you'd really benefit from reading books on how to cope with a family member with BPD as the techniques should help lower your stress in dealing with your DD.

So sorry you are having this problem; it can be so trying, frustrating and saddening when your child is engaging in these kinds of behavior.

[Anonymous]

I really think the BPD poster needs to back off. This kid is 11. When kids this age lie a lot, especially lies that are grandiose -- I went to archery camp! -- there are other mechanisms at work than BPD. I told a lot of those kinds of lies when I was that age, mainly because I had very low self esteem, I got picked on a lot, and I got punished severely for lying, which set up a strong defensiveness in me to keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

As I said, I was the validation PP--not the BPD PP. I explicitly said OP's DD could not have BPD because for one thing by definition you have to be over 18.

I wrote because I researched this when things were not going well with my DD--lots of lies in addition to much else--and found that validation, which was developed for dealing with those with BPD, was incredibly helpful.

My DD does NOT have BPD but I credit my learning and practicing validation with her to a great turn around in her behavior. It would have been a great loss for me and her had I refused to investigate it as a tool simply because it was developed for those with BPD.

BTW if you are practicing validation you do not punish the person for lying--that would be pretty much the opposite of how you'd handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really comparing your kid to Steve Jobs. Wow.

You clearly have problems with simile. Do you also have problems with other metahpors and analogies?.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Did your daughter have the exact same cancer too?!?

Wow, NP here. You're a horrible (and dense) person.

You may want to service your Sarcasm Detector.

Another NP. You may want to service your Funny Bone. There's a line between funny and horrible, and you crossed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP - So how do you help these teens?? My DD is going into her last year of HS and I'm concerned. What can I do now to help her?

At least for things like curfew and expectations around chores and such, write it down. Make up a House Rules and post it somewhere. Give her some input (you give in on making her walk the dog every day of the week, and instead you and DH split this with her) so that she has some buy-in. Then tape it to the fridge or some place where it doesn't jump out at her friends, but you can all consult it easily.

[Anonymous]

What you people describe is like 90% of DCUM. Most people live in their own parallel universes. This is more like the norm. It's the opposite that's abberation.

[Anonymous]

Does she keep a diary? That might be something she can do to keep herself grounded in reality as well as work through her feelings. At her age I actually kept 2 diaries, one for writing about my real life, and a "liary" for writing about the life I wished I had, including adventures like archery camp (and lots of cute boys).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think the BPD poster needs to back off. This kid is 11. When kids this age lie a lot, especially lies that are grandiose -- I went to archery camp! -- there are other mechanisms at work than BPD. I told a lot of those kinds of lies when I was that age, mainly because I had very low self esteem, I got picked on a lot, and I got punished severely for lying, which set up a strong defensiveness in me to keep doing it.

I don't know that they do need to back off, my MIL has BPD and I was just thinking this sounds exactly like her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Just wanted to bring up this possibility if you are looking for why this can be happening.
Sure it could be because she's a tween and then she'll be a teen.
I'm reading a book now about adult ADD and one of the things that they mention is what you describe- forgotten conversations, agreements, a completely different perception of what actually happened.

My 13 year old DD is creative and temperamental too, and she has ADHD. Your description sounds familiar to me.
I am afraid it's going to cause her problems later in life, that's why I'm reading a book about Adult ADD. These kinds of traits just don't go away.

What's that book called? It may help my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think the BPD poster needs to back off. This kid is 11. When kids this age lie a lot, especially lies that are grandiose -- I went to archery camp! -- there are other mechanisms at work than BPD. I told a lot of those kinds of lies when I was that age, mainly because I had very low self esteem, I got picked on a lot, and I got punished severely for lying, which set up a strong defensiveness in me to keep doing it.

I don't know that they do need to back off, my MIL has BPD and I was just thinking this sounds exactly like her!

This kid is ELEVEN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Just wanted to bring up this possibility if you are looking for why this can be happening.
Sure it could be because she's a tween and then she'll be a teen.
I'm reading a book now about adult ADD and one of the things that they mention is what you describe- forgotten conversations, agreements, a completely different perception of what actually happened.

My 13 year old DD is creative and temperamental too, and she has ADHD. Your description sounds familiar to me.
I am afraid it's going to cause her problems later in life, that's why I'm reading a book about Adult ADD. These kinds of traits just don't go away.

What's that book called? It may help my marriage.

Here you go:

Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0981548709?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think the BPD poster needs to back off. This kid is 11. When kids this age lie a lot, especially lies that are grandiose -- I went to archery camp! -- there are other mechanisms at work than BPD. I told a lot of those kinds of lies when I was that age, mainly because I had very low self esteem, I got picked on a lot, and I got punished severely for lying, which set up a strong defensiveness in me to keep doing it.

I don't know that they do need to back off, my MIL has BPD and I was just thinking this sounds exactly like her!

This kid is ELEVEN!

And the mom a control freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think the BPD poster needs to back off. This kid is 11. When kids this age lie a lot, especially lies that are grandiose -- I went to archery camp! -- there are other mechanisms at work than BPD. I told a lot of those kinds of lies when I was that age, mainly because I had very low self esteem, I got picked on a lot, and I got punished severely for lying, which set up a strong defensiveness in me to keep doing it.

I don't know that they do need to back off, my MIL has BPD and I was just thinking this sounds exactly like her!

This kid is ELEVEN!

And the mom a control freak.

Nope, the mom is not a control freak. The mom is trying to find ways to be a better mom.
To those of you who are feeling sorry for these kids, think about the parents too.
We are having to scrutinize our kids' behaviors because something is "off" and we're not going to just chuck it up to being a teenager.
By virtue of getting feedback here from other folks, I'm also learning a lot. We have to keep ourselves open to possibilities that our kid is just not perfect like yours.