Family events with an introvert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

I come from a family of introverts and married one, and none of us behave like you do! Actually I don't know one person out of my large acquaintance who behaves that way.
So please realize that your illness is far, far, out of the norm, and that is why it is misunderstood.

Either you want to change - you have your work cut out for you, because it will mean working with a therapist and getting exposed to what you fear most (that is the way phobias are treated).

Or you decide not to change, but have to accept that the majority of people think you're crazy/selfish, etc.

OP: People who are actually close to me like DH, my parents, friends are fine with who I am. They understand my need to avoid large crowds or noisy gatherings. It is the ILs who complain.

Your immediate family tolerates your illness because they love you deeply, I understand that. I have a mother with a different illness but equally handicapping, and since she doesn't want to change, there is nothing I can do but accept her for who she is. Please know that it takes continuous adjustment for your family to do so!

For the ILs. Stop whining. Your spouse has probably explained your condition several times (and if he hasn't, he should). They refuse to understand or accept it. You refuse to change. Well, what can you do, OP? Ignore the comments. You and your DH should handle any direct attack launched against you by staying calm and reiterating that you cannot physically do what they want, so if they want to host you at one of their gatherings, they have to give you some space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a well-known introvert in my family. I've never been social, always prone to panic attacks whenever in large social situations, but in the last 5 years the situation have gotten worse. It helps that I can work from home. However, I can't be in family functions, either with my family or DH family. They know about my agoraphobia or whatever you want to call it but still get offended that I don't want to be "with the group of people who love you." I can only be with them in a structured, one on one situation, for a few hours, not days, let alone weeks. For the past 5 years, DH would take the kids and visit his parents. I thought everyone was fine with the situation but this weekend MIL had a fit of some sort and yelled at DH about me being selfish. No, I can't tolerate her, SILs, and the entire fucking Brady bunch for 3-4 days. No, I don't want to go to the beach with them. I don't do that with my family either, so why is she so offended?

Why is it selfish if DH is going there with the kids? Seems like most MILs would prefer this. I hate when people try to get you to go somewhere even if they know it's the last thing you want to do. It's like saying they want you to be miserable. How does it make their time more enjoyable knowing that you're there when you don't want to be there? I think she just needs something to complain about and if it wasn't you not coming, it would be something else, like you put the kids to bed too early, or some other ridiculous thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a well-known introvert in my family. I've never been social, always prone to panic attacks whenever in large social situations, but in the last 5 years the situation have gotten worse. It helps that I can work from home. However, I can't be in family functions, either with my family or DH family. They know about my agoraphobia or whatever you want to call it but still get offended that I don't want to be "with the group of people who love you." I can only be with them in a structured, one on one situation, for a few hours, not days, let alone weeks. For the past 5 years, DH would take the kids and visit his parents. I thought everyone was fine with the situation but this weekend MIL had a fit of some sort and yelled at DH about me being selfish. No, I can't tolerate her, SILs, and the entire fucking Brady bunch for 3-4 days. No, I don't want to go to the beach with them. I don't do that with my family either, so why is she so offended?

Why is it selfish if DH is going there with the kids? Seems like most MILs would prefer this. I hate when people try to get you to go somewhere even if they know it's the last thing you want to do. It's like saying they want you to be miserable. How does it make their time more enjoyable knowing that you're there when you don't want to be there? I think she just needs something to complain about and if it wasn't you not coming, it would be something else, like you put the kids to bed too early, or some other ridiculous thing.

Most people do things they don't necessarily love, but FOR the people they love. Otherwise, that's the definition of selfish (ie, opposite of selflessness). It doesn't mean you have to go every time, for long periods of time, but it's a kind and generous and positive trait to make an effort.

Anyone can "tolerate" anyone - but OP is deliberately choosing not to (either by not wanting to work on herself and her issues, and going by the kind of language she uses). It doesn't mean you have to become best friend forever with in-laws, but occasionally tolerating the family of your spouse (a spouse that you hopefully love and care about) is what normal, emotionally and mentally healthy people do. I say that as a bigtime introvert myself.

You do things for others because you love/care for them, not necessarily because you love the "things."

[Anonymous]

Why aren't you in therapy, OP, working on your challenges?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you in therapy, OP, working on your challenges?

OP: I am in therapy, hence the medication. Who else would've given it to me? A drug dealer? My therapist was the one who said "communication in moderation." So I show up for one holiday a year, not 4 or 5. They are invited for kids' birthdays. But to spend every other weekend with them - no way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you in therapy, OP, working on your challenges?

OP: I am in therapy, hence the medication. Who else would've given it to me? A drug dealer? My therapist was the one who said "communication in moderation." So I show up for one holiday a year, not 4 or 5. They are invited for kids' birthdays. But to spend every other weekend with them - no way.

Counseling therapy is typically 45-50min once a week. If that's what you've been investing into your healing, maybe a better therapist? Or did you just start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

I come from a family of introverts and married one, and none of us behave like you do! Actually I don't know one person out of my large acquaintance who behaves that way.
So please realize that your illness is far, far, out of the norm, and that is why it is misunderstood.

Either you want to change - you have your work cut out for you, because it will mean working with a therapist and getting exposed to what you fear most (that is the way phobias are treated).

Or you decide not to change, but have to accept that the majority of people think you're crazy/selfish, etc.

This. OP, you aren't an introvert. YOu need help. You still need to do the normal things inlife that are expected,even if you feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren't you in therapy, OP, working on your challenges?

OP: I am in therapy, hence the medication. Who else would've given it to me? A drug dealer? My therapist was the one who said "communication in moderation." So I show up for one holiday a year, not 4 or 5. They are invited for kids' birthdays. But to spend every other weekend with them - no way.

So this person's a psychiatrist? They usually don't see you every week for counseling services.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for working on this OP. It sounds like your in laws don't understand that you're fighting an illness, your trying to get better, you're taking small steps but you'll just never be able to do what they want and they can't accept that. I'm sorry. That's just tough. I think your DH needs to sit them all down, tell them I'm only going to explain this once more and then ignore their outbursts, their pressure, their manipulation etc. good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you for working on this OP. It sounds like your in laws don't understand that you're fighting an illness, your trying to get better, you're taking small steps but you'll just never be able to do what they want and they can't accept that. I'm sorry. That's just tough. I think your DH needs to sit them all down, tell them I'm only going to explain this once more and then ignore their outbursts, their pressure, their manipulation etc. good luck.

OP: DH has been wonderful and extremely supportive. He talked to them many times, every time they go "oh wow, that must be so tough for her" and then nothing. Accusations, screaming matches, long e-mails to me and DH. Even my kids understand and are kind and nice about it. And they are teenagers, for Pete's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read what you just wrote. If you want some compassion, you need to retying your approach. Your post doesn't make me sympathetic to your situation.

I bet you are just a happy-go-lucky person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you for working on this OP. It sounds like your in laws don't understand that you're fighting an illness, your trying to get better, you're taking small steps but you'll just never be able to do what they want and they can't accept that. I'm sorry. That's just tough. I think your DH needs to sit them all down, tell them I'm only going to explain this once more and then ignore their outbursts, their pressure, their manipulation etc. good luck.

She needs to do some work beyond the meds.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else getting a troll-y vibe? I find it difficult to see OP as a grown women with teenaged children. With every follow-up, she sounds more and more juvenile. There's something very melodramtic-teenager-ish to me, rather than depressed woman with family/anxiety ssues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you for working on this OP. It sounds like your in laws don't understand that you're fighting an illness, your trying to get better, you're taking small steps but you'll just never be able to do what they want and they can't accept that. I'm sorry. That's just tough. I think your DH needs to sit them all down, tell them I'm only going to explain this once more and then ignore their outbursts, their pressure, their manipulation etc. good luck.

OP: DH has been wonderful and extremely supportive. He talked to them many times, every time they go "oh wow, that must be so tough for her" and then nothing. Accusations, screaming matches, long e-mails to me and DH. Even my kids understand and are kind and nice about it. And they are teenagers, for Pete's sake.

This doesn't make sense. In the last couple sentences of your OP, you said you thought everyone understood and everything was fine, but now you are saying there have long emails and screaming matches, repeated times of DH talking to them, and then more of the same.
You know what the deal is, you have a long history of this and still choose to only go to 1 event a year and put DH in the position of explaining over and over to them.
If you want to vent, by all means vent, but this is not a recent thing just about a beach trip.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't need to heal on anyone else's timeframe. If you're making progress and you're happy with it and your immediate family is happy with it, then don't worry about the fits the in in-laws are throwing.

You being at an event doesn't monumentally improve the event for them and they know it, so why are they pushing so hard? It's weird for them? Well too bad, this is the Dil they have and I would think with teenage grandchildren they would have accepted this by now. They can't believe that you aren't past this "inconvenience" by now.