Family events with an introvert
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I am a well-known introvert in my family. I've never been social, always prone to panic attacks whenever in large social situations, but in the last 5 years the situation have gotten worse. It helps that I can work from home. However, I can't be in family functions, either with my family or DH family. They know about my agoraphobia or whatever you want to call it but still get offended that I don't want to be "with the group of people who love you." I can only be with them in a structured, one on one situation, for a few hours, not days, let alone weeks. For the past 5 years, DH would take the kids and visit his parents. I thought everyone was fine with the situation but this weekend MIL had a fit of some sort and yelled at DH about me being selfish. No, I can't tolerate her, SILs, and the entire fucking Brady bunch for 3-4 days. No, I don't want to go to the beach with them. I don't do that with my family either, so why is she so offended? |
Anonymous
| Read what you just wrote. If you want some compassion, you need to retying your approach. Your post doesn't make me sympathetic to your situation. |
Anonymous
| OP-that sounds really rough. Are you getting some help for this? It sounds really debilitating and like it affects every part of your life, not only your family relationships. I'm trying to be as gentle as I can but I'm an introvert too but I can handle a long weekend with either my family or DH for a long weekend, so long as I can get away for an hour or two here and there, I'm fine. Your anxiety is real, I respect that, but it goes way beyond the "normal" and I hope you get some help. |
Anonymous
|
People who don't experience it themselves are never going to get it. Some will be understanding and not push it, but MIL's response doesn't surprise me. From her perspective, it feels like you don't like her or her family. She probably wishes she could have a closer relationship with you, and might be upset that your kids and DH miss you when you don't come on trips.
Sorry, no advice here except to know it's going to happen and hold your ground. I get similar stuff from my own family - I'm not as bad as you but really don't like big social situations and never have - and they take it as an insult when I leave a wedding after an hour. They don't see it as, "oh, this is really hard for her and she put in a big effort to come as long as she did" they see it as "everyone else is having fun and she left so early because she doesn't want to be around us" |
Anonymous
| What you are describing goes beyond being an introvert, you have some pretty serious social anxiety going on. Yes, your loved ones should have compassion for your struggles, but you need to meet them halfway and seek help as well. A combination of therapy and anxiety medication might do wonders for you. Or if meds aren't your thing, just the therapy. But you definitely need to seek help, it's not fair to impose this on your family and just throw up your hands. |
Anonymous
This. I'm an introvert daughter to a very extroverted mother. Childhood was exceptionally painful. She forced me to go to all sorts of social events. At age 8, she drug me up on the state Capitol steps as the representative child for her cause. It was debilitating. Once I left home, I was content to stay in and read books while my college peers, and later, coworkers, partied. I tried going out but would be so uncomfortable it made the evening miserable. So I understand your anxiety. However, now that you are married and have children, you are letting your social anxiety cripple you and affect your family. Seek counseling, look into anxiety medication. I take Prozac and it helps greatly. |
Anonymous
|
I seem like an extrovert because I am very engaging and love getting together one-on-one. It doesn't transfer to groups. Like you, I have a very hard time at parties or extended group outings. I don't care for them, at all. The difference I see is that I make every effort to meet up for these one-on-ones. No one appears offended because I invest in the type of interactions that I can tolerate. Have you invited people over to your space? If I were you, I would have established connections with individual family members so that they see how much I value them. Then, when they have traditional all-family get-togethers, they know it's not that I don't care for them, it's that I don't function well in that sort of environment. The posts reads as though you don't, in fact, particularly care for these family members. So, they feel insulted by your lack of participation because it reflects your negative feelings about them. Is this the case? If not, you need to start inviting them in. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Yes, I have medication, I do fulfill certain family obligations like going to my kids' soccer games, arranging playdates and birthday parties, etc. But those events last only a few hours, not days. ILs want to see me for DAYS. They get offended if I go somewhere without them while they are visiting or if I am at their house. SILs love long visits too and get offended if I don't go all over the city with them, let alone gossip. Seriously, I have to take a double dosage whenever I am around family, both DH and mine. |
Anonymous
| I think you need therapy in addition to the medication you're taking. I'm an introvert and can just go walk the dog for an hour to regroup mentally when at a big family event. |
Anonymous
OP: I tried doing that. But whenever they are around, if I leave for an hour, I then get an earful "where were you, you left us, don't you like our company?" My family absolutely understands and don't bother me, it's the ILs. |
Anonymous
|
I don't think you need therapy and you already have a prescription to use as needed. I think your problem is your in laws. Extroverts love to swarm your personal space for extended periods and then harass you for being antisocial. Nothing is worse than an extrovert who doesn't get it. They need to get off your case. |
Anonymous
same. Almost exactly. I am seen as cool and standoffish by DH's family though I never decline a social gathering. I just limit the time I'm there and don't make a big show of circulating, but am always polite. This however is seen as being bitchy because I don't get into the big family thing. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I come from a family of introverts and married one, and none of us behave like you do! Actually I don't know one person out of my large acquaintance who behaves that way. So please realize that your illness is far, far, out of the norm, and that is why it is misunderstood. Either you want to change - you have your work cut out for you, because it will mean working with a therapist and getting exposed to what you fear most (that is the way phobias are treated). Or you decide not to change, but have to accept that the majority of people think you're crazy/selfish, etc. |
Anonymous
OP: People who are actually close to me like DH, my parents, friends are fine with who I am. They understand my need to avoid large crowds or noisy gatherings. It is the ILs who complain. |
Anonymous
|
Echoing the others that you're not an introvert, OP. You have much more serious issues going on that you need to be regularly working with a therapist, in order to function with others.
|