Married and thinking of same sex relationships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am 27 and first starting to realize I have sexual attraction to women. I have alway had relationships with men and was hoping this was something I could suppress, but given this thread, I'm guessing it's not and it's something I will have to explore before I settle down

If you aren't married, by all means explore! I'll be living vicariously through you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am 27 and first starting to realize I have sexual attraction to women. I have alway had relationships with men and was hoping this was something I could suppress, but given this thread, I'm guessing it's not and it's something I will have to explore before I settle down

If you aren't married, by all means explore! I'll be living vicariously through you.

I will too!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do you know if your gay??

It's me your friendly neighborhood bisexual again. You're not gay. If you were, you would not have been able to be satisfied by men for 20 years. (I'm assuming here you weren't raised Fundamentalist or anything where they might have very actively tried to repress gayness.) What you are is a woman in her 30s. You don't mention how old your kids are, but if you have been in the throes of child rearing for a while, you probably have not noticed the massive increase in sexual energy that happens to women then, because the hormones have dampened it. I'd bet that's what's going on here. As the volume on your sexuality gets turned up, so to speak, you are noticing things about your attractions you didn't notice before.

This is just not correct in every case. My sisters wife used to be married to a man. No one forced her into it and she was definitely not raised in a repressive environment, but she grew up in a time when everyone assumes hetersexuality and it was a process for her of realizing what she really wanted. By the time she realized she needed to get out and explore relationships with women she had two kids, but honestly years later she and her ex have an amazing co parenting relationship, she is remarried, he's moved on and they have a pretty cool blended family happening. There's no rule that says you can't realize you are gay later than usual. My sister also dated a lot of men before realizing it wasn't for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do you know if your gay??

It's me your friendly neighborhood bisexual again. You're not gay. If you were, you would not have been able to be satisfied by men for 20 years. (I'm assuming here you weren't raised Fundamentalist or anything where they might have very actively tried to repress gayness.) What you are is a woman in her 30s. You don't mention how old your kids are, but if you have been in the throes of child rearing for a while, you probably have not noticed the massive increase in sexual energy that happens to women then, because the hormones have dampened it. I'd bet that's what's going on here. As the volume on your sexuality gets turned up, so to speak, you are noticing things about your attractions you didn't notice before.

This is just not correct in every case. My sisters wife used to be married to a man. No one forced her into it and she was definitely not raised in a repressive environment, but she grew up in a time when everyone assumes hetersexuality and it was a process for her of realizing what she really wanted. By the time she realized she needed to get out and explore relationships with women she had two kids, but honestly years later she and her ex have an amazing co parenting relationship, she is remarried, he's moved on and they have a pretty cool blended family happening. There's no rule that says you can't realize you are gay later than usual. My sister also dated a lot of men before realizing it wasn't for her.

Pp here. I don't really disagree with you, but I think this all is a great demonstration of how impoverished our language is around sexuality issues. The word bisexual applies to way too many situations--mine, OPs, your SILs, and your sister's, for example--which makes it a confusing label at some times and a convenient one at others. Op is aware of new thoughts and feelings and is wondering whether they warrant changes in her behavior. The bisexual label can be useful to her now as she figures it all out. The "gay" label is more restrictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do you know if your gay??

It's me your friendly neighborhood bisexual again. You're not gay. If you were, you would not have been able to be satisfied by men for 20 years. (I'm assuming here you weren't raised Fundamentalist or anything where they might have very actively tried to repress gayness.) What you are is a woman in her 30s. You don't mention how old your kids are, but if you have been in the throes of child rearing for a while, you probably have not noticed the massive increase in sexual energy that happens to women then, because the hormones have dampened it. I'd bet that's what's going on here. As the volume on your sexuality gets turned up, so to speak, you are noticing things about your attractions you didn't notice before.

This is just not correct in every case. My sisters wife used to be married to a man. No one forced her into it and she was definitely not raised in a repressive environment, but she grew up in a time when everyone assumes hetersexuality and it was a process for her of realizing what she really wanted. By the time she realized she needed to get out and explore relationships with women she had two kids, but honestly years later she and her ex have an amazing co parenting relationship, she is remarried, he's moved on and they have a pretty cool blended family happening. There's no rule that says you can't realize you are gay later than usual. My sister also dated a lot of men before realizing it wasn't for her.

Also I think you missed my real point which was: the 30s and 40s is when many women's experience of their sexuality undergoes huge changes. It is not an unusual time for new "stuff" to emerge. For some this includes new revelations about orientation. For others, differences in sex drive. Op is looking for a way to understand her changes. This is one way.

[Anonymous]

Last 3 tabloid stories I read about Kristen Stewart, she was dating her longtime female assistant. They were photographed in many places together, looking much more like a couple than working together. Just FYI... to feed the fantasies further! (Not OPs I guess, but all you other K-Stew ladies).

OP to your original question, what's your relationship with your husband like? Trying to walk the line and not send this post into the explicit forum, but do you talk about your fantasies at all in general? Maybe just bring it up first as something you're having fun thinking about, but not too serious, see what he says. Any chance he'll give you a pass to explore a little bit?

[Anonymous]

You could always suggest threesome but this could be dangerous as well. Be careful if you go this way.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks for all of the help on this. My DH and I don't have sex very much anymore. I have gained weight and he is honestly not very good in bed. He is a great guy though. He is an amazing dad, very kind, good sense of humor and smart.

I think I might bring it up just a little bit and see how he feels. I don't think he would give me a pass, but I'm not sure what to about these thoughts. I definitely think I am at least bi. The idea of this makes me sad, because I know my DH could be with someone who is more interested in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all of the help on this. My DH and I don't have sex very much anymore. I have gained weight and he is honestly not very good in bed. He is a great guy though. He is an amazing dad, very kind, good sense of humor and smart.

I think I might bring it up just a little bit and see how he feels. I don't think he would give me a pass, but I'm not sure what to about these thoughts. I definitely think I am at least bi. The idea of this makes me sad, because I know my DH could be with someone who is more interested in him.

OP please do not torment him with this until you have clearly determined how important it is to you to understand it and explore it. You cant bring something like this up "just a little bit". It could make him terribly insecure for no good reason if you decide its not really that important to you. Also where is HIS sex life in all of this? What about what he might want? A lot to consider here. Tread carefully. And try not to be too selfish- ask yourself if you would bring up "just a little bit" wanting to sleep with another man? Probably not! Just because you are changing, to what extent and to what end is unclear, and the process does not have to be drag another human being through it. Do the hard inner work yourself and maybe in therapy. Then really ask yourself what you want out of the marriage, out of him as a partner. And he deserves to be asked what he wants too!

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could always suggest threesome but this could be dangerous as well. Be careful if you go this way.

Ugh. No no no. If they are not having sex there is not enough sexual communication to go straight to threesome from next to nothing!

[Anonymous]

This is a tough situation. I primarily dated women prior to marrying my husband. He has never fetishized my sexuality which has happened with other male relationships I've had. I thought it meant he accepted who I was and embraced that unique attribute of me. But he's also threatened by my attraction to women. So, I find I can't vocalize when I feel some need for an outlet, like watching a lesbian movie or reading articles about lesbian issues. This creates a clear distance between he and I. I have few answers for you. I fear that any relationship will have me feeling unsatisfied. I agree with those that recommended counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How do you know if your gay??

It's me your friendly neighborhood bisexual again. You're not gay. If you were, you would not have been able to be satisfied by men for 20 years. (I'm assuming here you weren't raised Fundamentalist or anything where they might have very actively tried to repress gayness.) What you are is a woman in her 30s. You don't mention how old your kids are, but if you have been in the throes of child rearing for a while, you probably have not noticed the massive increase in sexual energy that happens to women then, because the hormones have dampened it. I'd bet that's what's going on here. As the volume on your sexuality gets turned up, so to speak, you are noticing things about your attractions you didn't notice before.

You don't have to have been raised Fundamentalist in order to have experienced gayness being repressed.