mom accusing me of keeping DD away from her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

I feel for you in this situation, but I would be honest with yourself about why you don't want her to visit. You are telling her that it is because you are fixing up your house. But it sounds like the truth is that you don't want her to visit because she's difficult. Maybe she is ticked because she is sensing the home remodeling is just an excuse to keep her away -- which maybe it is.

It's too bad the daughter is still so little, because a good solution may be to have them spend some time alone with the grandchild, i.e. not with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

OP, Unfortunately, no, my mama is not helpful. She's "hold the baby" helpful.

But couldn't she hold the baby while you do all the work?

Not OP, but that expression usually means that the person doesn't actually want to do work, they just want to do the fun stuff (e.g., cuddle the baby). OP's child is 18 months, and from what OP has said I suspect her mother will be less the type to actually care for her grandchild and keep her out of the parents' hair, and more likely to want to play with her for a little bit and then have the parents take over when a diaper needs changing, the kid is hungry, etc. She won't be helping, and she'll be making extra work for OP by being a houseguest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If all goes well, one day you will the MIL.

She wants the chance to know and love her grandkids. You sound awful, to be honest. Your inlaws sound like they don't care much, which is fine, but I don't see why you are holding them up as the grandparent model. I'd love to have such loving grandparents for my kids. Why isn't holding the baby helpful? To you, her and the baby?

So, who comes first? Your parents or your DH and children? Seems it's a toss up for some.

You are quoting me, but not sure of your point or whether you agree or disagree.

FWIW, I think you should put your own family first if there's a conflict, but often (like here) there needn't be a conflict. Anyway, OP has changed her story so I don't know. I think it's cruel to say no visits from your mom because of electricians, painting, etc (they're family; house does not have to be done for visits). However, as it turns out, OP's family and her parents don't get along and THAT is the reason the visit isn't happening. OP's mom realizes that OP is just making an excuse (house in chaos) but doesn't want her around. That may or may not be legitimate, imo, no way to tell whether OP's parents are really so bad. If it were me, I would have led with that information. Anyway, I didn't call OP an ahole, but I think she's probably not nice and is preventing her DD from seeing her mother due to pettiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel for you in this situation, but I would be honest with yourself about why you don't want her to visit. You are telling her that it is because you are fixing up your house. But it sounds like the truth is that you don't want her to visit because she's difficult. Maybe she is ticked because she is sensing the home remodeling is just an excuse to keep her away -- which maybe it is.

I just wrote this same opinion. Yep, OP's mom gets that these are excuses, although I'm not sure OP herself gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If all goes well, one day you will the MIL.

She wants the chance to know and love her grandkids. You sound awful, to be honest. Your inlaws sound like they don't care much, which is fine, but I don't see why you are holding them up as the grandparent model. I'd love to have such loving grandparents for my kids. Why isn't holding the baby helpful? To you, her and the baby?

So, who comes first? Your parents or your DH and children? Seems it's a toss up for some.

You are quoting me, but not sure of your point or whether you agree or disagree.

FWIW, I think you should put your own family first if there's a conflict, but often (like here) there needn't be a conflict. Anyway, OP has changed her story so I don't know. I think it's cruel to say no visits from your mom because of electricians, painting, etc (they're family; house does not have to be done for visits). However, as it turns out, OP's family and her parents don't get along and THAT is the reason the visit isn't happening. OP's mom realizes that OP is just making an excuse (house in chaos) but doesn't want her around. That may or may not be legitimate, imo, no way to tell whether OP's parents are really so bad. If it were me, I would have led with that information. Anyway, I didn't call OP an ahole, but I think she's probably not nice and is preventing her DD from seeing her mother due to pettiness.

I think this is a little unfair. For most people, our ability to deal with conflict/stressful situations is related to how many other stressful things we have going on at the same time -- we can only tolerate so much stress at once. So a visit from OP's parents that brings conflict may be tolerable when things are overall pretty calm, but if you throw in the stress of a home improvement/renovation period (which can be very stressful), the added stress of the family conflict may be enough to put the person over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

Don't listen to this idiot.

I find a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then moving on to discussing something else shuts this kind of thing down well with my mother.

She doesn't sound like an idiot to me. Just like someone who doesn't have such a contentious (dare I say dramatic) relationship with her parents. If you are in a position of always having to "shut things down" you are going to read this a different way than someone without experiences like that.

[Anonymous]

You are using excuses to hold your mom off and she knows it, which is why she keeps pushing.

If you can't/won't tell her that you don't need their criticizing/nitpicking while you are getting settled in, do what a PP suggested and get a date on the calendar.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you can ignore all the posters here trying to analyze your reasons for not wanting your mom there. Whether it's the house stuff or not wanting her around because she and your dad bring the drama, you don't want them barging in when THEY want. That's your right. As for mom helping with your toddler, seriously, that is just more stress for you, if you and your mom don't get along.

Be glad you moved farther away from them, if they are this confrontational and nitpicky. You are not a bad person or bad daughter to determine who visits your home and when. It is not "cruel" to limit your contact AND your child's contact with your parents if they drain you and create conflict. It's just plain dramatic to use the term "cruel" here.

Go with "I'm sorry you feel that way" and be sure to note that their summer visit is just around the corner and say, "We're really looking forward to that summer visit, when all these electricians etc. will be gone." Be VERY grateful they plan to stay in a hotel while they're on that visit.

Take care, OP, or your parents will turn into the grandparents we read about on other threads, where the grandparents book flights without ever consulting with anyone and with zero regard for things like a child's school schedule or people's work schedules or anything else. That sort of thing is on DCUM all the time. Your mom sounds like she might go that route eventually. You and your husband shouldn't slam the door on her and your dad, but you do need to have boundaries that are clear. When they DO visit, be sure they get good time with your child, and plan a lot of things for them and your child to do, so they are not just "hanging out at home" and finding time to criticize the paint job. Occupy them with activities and places to go while they're there. You can all focus on the activity and watching your child have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, she finally did it. My mom actually had the nerve to say that I'm keeping her grandchild away from her all because we moved a few hours away and do not want to have visitors over until we get settled into our new home. She wants to come visit asap and I told her no, we are not settled into our home, we have a lot of chores, repairmen coming through, things to figure out... and she just doesn't care. She insists DD, who is 18 months old, will never know her grandparents well because my parents don't get to see them every week the way my grandparents used to see me every week. Sorry, but we don't/can't live close by. We had to go where the good jobs are and where we will be happiest. I don't understand why she can't wait an extra month or two. My parents are already planning to come for two weeks in a row this summer (staying in a hotel) and will have loads of time with DD. FWIW, my inlaws are nothing like this. They live even further away and have seen DD only a handful of times since birth but never complain about how much they see her. Unlike my parents, they also work. My parents are retired and refuse to do anything but watch TV and demand to see DD or Facetime with her once a week.

Strange thing is, my mom is the first one to find reasons not to have guests over. She has a fully decorated house with lovely furniture and never wants to entertain because she's too busy, the furniture is too old, it's too cold, it's too hot, etc... but when DH and I have a valid reason like, we don't have a lot of furniture and need to get an electrician in for a few days, we're KEEPING THE GRANDCHILDREN AWAY.

Help. Does this ever stop? Is there a way to push back and get her to stop the histrionics? I can't believe she's stooping to this dramatic language.

If it helps, some of us try really hard to get our children's grandparents to visit more than once a year.

[Anonymous]

I can certainly understand how OP feels. My MIL is generally not very helpful and tends to come visit and treat it like being on vacation. Her idea of visiting with her preschool grandchildren is to play with them or read them a book for 10 minutes or so and then do something else for a while. In an afternoon, she'll spend about 20-30 minutes total with her grandchildren and then do other things for herself including sometimes just sitting around playing computer games on her iPad.

At one point, I was getting very tired and suggested that my MIL come to visit a little less frequently. My wife spoke with her mother and the next time she came to visit, she started helping a bit. We come up with a list of things like errands that she can do. We make a grocery list and she can do the shopping. If we have things that need that need to be dropped off (like book donations to the library or when we have to drop forms somewhere). Normally I have to do pick-up and drop-off because my wife does not drive. When my MIL is visiting, I drop the kids off at pre-school, but my MIL can take my wife to pre-school to pick up the kids allowing me to work late a few times during the week. The last time she came to visit, she even bought supplies and cooked us dinner twice that week. In 16 years together (13 married), my MIL had cooked for us maybe twice prior to the last visit.

So, one suggestion for OP, if she can tolerate the stress of having her parents come is to suggest that they can come to see DD and the house earlier if they stay in a hotel and help out with some household errands like grocery shopping or laundry while visiting. You can say that right now, with the stress of contractors around the house, that they just can't handle the additional load of visitors unless those visitors are willing to pitch in and help. Then come up with a list of basic chores and errands that will help ease your stress, but don't involve childcare and get them to help with those. It may or may not work for OP and her husband (sometimes the personality dynamics are too hard to overcome), but I found that even those little things helped to ease the stress for me and be more accommodating to my MIL visiting more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

You don't sound particularly nice either.

[Anonymous]

16:59, one does not put their parents or in-laws to work when they visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

OP, you and your husband sound like a-holes.

OP, you sound like you are coping fine with difficult people who happen to be your parents. Do what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:59, one does not put their parents or in-laws to work when they visit.

Sure, but then you also have the right to say they need to wait to visit until a time when you don't need to focus so much on work. The sun doesn't rise and set by the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

Don't listen to this idiot.

I find a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then moving on to discussing something else shuts this kind of thing down well with my mother.

She doesn't sound like an idiot to me. Just like someone who doesn't have such a contentious (dare I say dramatic) relationship with her parents. If you are in a position of always having to "shut things down" you are going to read this a different way than someone without experiences like that.

The "idiot" part was in response to the last sentence, which was needlessly guilt-inducing and dramatic. And contentious does not have to equal dramatic. It becomes dramatic when you go on their trip and get all worked up about it. Simply heading off inappropriate behavior and calmly declining to engage is pretty much the opposite of dramatic.