mom accusing me of keeping DD away from her

[Anonymous]

Yup, she finally did it. My mom actually had the nerve to say that I'm keeping her grandchild away from her all because we moved a few hours away and do not want to have visitors over until we get settled into our new home. She wants to come visit asap and I told her no, we are not settled into our home, we have a lot of chores, repairmen coming through, things to figure out... and she just doesn't care. She insists DD, who is 18 months old, will never know her grandparents well because my parents don't get to see them every week the way my grandparents used to see me every week. Sorry, but we don't/can't live close by. We had to go where the good jobs are and where we will be happiest. I don't understand why she can't wait an extra month or two. My parents are already planning to come for two weeks in a row this summer (staying in a hotel) and will have loads of time with DD. FWIW, my inlaws are nothing like this. They live even further away and have seen DD only a handful of times since birth but never complain about how much they see her. Unlike my parents, they also work. My parents are retired and refuse to do anything but watch TV and demand to see DD or Facetime with her once a week.

Strange thing is, my mom is the first one to find reasons not to have guests over. She has a fully decorated house with lovely furniture and never wants to entertain because she's too busy, the furniture is too old, it's too cold, it's too hot, etc... but when DH and I have a valid reason like, we don't have a lot of furniture and need to get an electrician in for a few days, we're KEEPING THE GRANDCHILDREN AWAY.

Help. Does this ever stop? Is there a way to push back and get her to stop the histrionics? I can't believe she's stooping to this dramatic language.

[Anonymous]

How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

Don't listen to this idiot.

I find a simple, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then moving on to discussing something else shuts this kind of thing down well with my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

+1. I would have loved the extra hands when we first moved in and were dealing with lots of different contractors.

[Anonymous]

The way to push back is to say "we'll be ready for our first visitors in three weeks. Let's get that on the calendar and make sure you're the first ones to come see our new place once it's set up. How's June 13th for you?"

If she says, "horrible, that's way too far away!" then you can say "Sorry to hear that. The next available weekend is June 27th. Does that work for you?" and if you get another cry of protest, then say sorry to hear that they're so busy, let's check back in later and hang out.

Just don't engage emotionally and keep your tone upbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

I'm with this poster. Geez, if you've been there a few weeks it only seems normal your mom would want to see it as well as her grandchild. And be happy she wants to stay at a hotel. I hope my DD is more accommodating when/if she ever has kids.

My view may be colored by the fact that my mom died a year before my daughter was born and I always wished she was around to see DD and visit often as I've seen with many of my friends.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

OP, Unfortunately, no, my mama is not helpful. She's "hold the baby" helpful.

[Anonymous]

If all goes well, one day you will the MIL.

She wants the chance to know and love her grandkids. You sound awful, to be honest. Your inlaws sound like they don't care much, which is fine, but I don't see why you are holding them up as the grandparent model. I'd love to have such loving grandparents for my kids. Why isn't holding the baby helpful? To you, her and the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

OP, you and your husband sound like a-holes.

[Anonymous]

We moved across the Atlantic ocean to find jobs here and all the grandparents live in Europe. We just visited for the first time in TWO YEARS. My little DD bonded really well with my father.

How would your mother like that, huh?

Don't bother with her comments - you know it's all about her and she will never be happy with what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

Your peace of mind at this time of transition is important. Give her a date that will work for you and move on. Just ride out the guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I know this all can seem cruel, but a big factor here I should have mentioned is that my parents are also very difficult, confrontational people. They do not bring peace into our home. Think McLaughlin Group.

As I said, we are fixing up our house. They are extremely critical people and I don't want a conflict between DH and my father over why we are using this paint instead of his preferred brand or why did we hire such an idiot electrician we should have called him first or why we didn't tell them what kind of lawn mower we were buying. Been there, done that. This is always how its been with them and I'd like to also honor DH's request for a break from their antics.

OP, you and your husband sound like a-holes.

Not OP, where in the world are you getting that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many weeks have you been in your new place? Is she not helpful? I think it'd be better to let her come visit and watch DD while you do all these chores and settling in. Seems a little cruel to reject your mama.

OP, Unfortunately, no, my mama is not helpful. She's "hold the baby" helpful.

But couldn't she hold the baby while you do all the work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If all goes well, one day you will the MIL.

She wants the chance to know and love her grandkids. You sound awful, to be honest. Your inlaws sound like they don't care much, which is fine, but I don't see why you are holding them up as the grandparent model. I'd love to have such loving grandparents for my kids. Why isn't holding the baby helpful? To you, her and the baby?

So, who comes first? Your parents or your DH and children? Seems it's a toss up for some.