Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His mother, his problem. You should not make any changes to you schedule. She can do whatever she wants as long as it does not involve you or take the kids away from their scheduled events.

+1. Let her sit in your house. Do not cook nice meals. Maybe you'll discover that she doesn't actually mind.

I don't really understand why you aren't willing to stand up for yourself to your husband. If you can't say anything for fear of "contention", I guess you're resigned to being a doormat for the rest of your life.

No not really. I've had this fight before it hasn't gotten me anywhere she's still coming whenever the spirit moves her. I'm bright enough to realize I have no interest in having the same argument over and over, to what end? I need suggestions not criticism.

[Anonymous]

If you're looking for a way to give your MIL the cold shoulder without making your husband mad, I'm not sure there is one, especially with him already knowing you don't like her. Unless he's completely oblivious.

Honestly, it sounds like you and your DH are utterly failing to communicate. A few sessions with a counselor might help.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a friend who will let you work from her house? My best friend works from home and her MIL is a horrible person. When she comes to stay, my friend works from my house.

I would tell your DH that you already have plans and you woN'T be changing them so it's up to him to take care of his mom

Sorry your Dh and MIL are jerks

[Anonymous]

I think you're fine making her take the blue shuttle, if she's physically up to it.

But if you want to know what you can do without causing a fight with your DH, I don't think anyone can really tell you that. It depends on what he perceives your wifely obligations to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a friend who will let you work from her house? My best friend works from home and her MIL is a horrible person. When she comes to stay, my friend works from my house.

I would tell your DH that you already have plans and you woN'T be changing them so it's up to him to take care of his mom

Sorry your Dh and MIL are jerks

I'm a PP. You don't have to let them be jerks. If you let them walk all over you, that's your decision. But don't complain about it- you did it.

[Anonymous]

Leaving aside the fact that you are offended, what conflicts do you have? Can you spell them out kindly but directly to your mother in law via your husband, i.e. "I cannot take time off of work right now so I will be working from home from 10-5 on Tuesday - Thursday, and then little Ella has to be at soccer practice at 6." Just state when you and the children will be available and when you will not. Assuming you have a guest room of some kind, does it disrupt all your plans just to have her sleeping over at the house? What plans, and how will they be disrupted? It sounds like you and your husband have very different families and I totally agree that she should have asked you first before booking travel, but it also sounds like you really just don't want her there ever, even if she asks in advance.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lives locally and is the queen of the drop-in which makes me nuts. Quiet Sunday afternoon of football and chili? Nope. Drop-in from MIL who wants to blather on about her sciatica. Busy day at work and I want to eat takeout in front of the tv? Nope. Drop in from MIL who wants a sit down home cooked meal on the spot. I started locking the door and not answering it when she came over and rang the bell and tried to let herself in. She doesn't drop in anymore.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell his mother that she cannot come to visit unannounced. If your husband gets upset you need to visit your mother while his is at your home. Do not take the kids with you. The problem is not your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband know she's coming yet? If not, find yourself a great trip out of town and lobby for it now. When MIL finally announces she's coming you will already have plans. Can you travel for work? That's another option. I'm not all about playing games but when it comes to inconsiderate in-laws, been there, done that...

[Anonymous]

She does this as she obviously fears you will say no. She's taking the buy the tickets and ask for forgiveness later route.

Have your husband contact her and verify she's coming. If she says yes, then have him present two alternate dates which work better for your household.

[Anonymous]

You need to frame it differently. It's not that you are annoyed about having to deal with her, it's that you want to give HER the best visit possible. You can't do that without a little pre-planning. It's not that you don't want her to visit, it's that you want her to be able to visit AND ALSO enjoy her time and get to see the kiddos and spend quality time. Make this the basis of your argument about why she needs to check with you before making plans. Then give examples of ways you can be flexible, IF you have enough time to plan for a visit.

And then do not cater to the un-planned trips, like the PPs suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving aside the fact that you are offended, what conflicts do you have? Can you spell them out kindly but directly to your mother in law via your husband, i.e. "I cannot take time off of work right now so I will be working from home from 10-5 on Tuesday - Thursday, and then little Ella has to be at soccer practice at 6." Just state when you and the children will be available and when you will not. Assuming you have a guest room of some kind, does it disrupt all your plans just to have her sleeping over at the house? What plans, and how will they be disrupted? It sounds like you and your husband have very different families and I totally agree that she should have asked you first before booking travel, but it also sounds like you really just don't want her there ever, even if she asks in advance.

I think this is the best approach. If she books travel without asking you in advance, she takes what she gets--meaning, you do not rearrange your schedule in any way because of her visit. Lay out your obligations and plans, make clear that they are non-negotiable, and then just do what you would normally do. Cook the meals you would normally cook, go to the gym when you normally would, etc. Where you can include her, by all means, do--you shouldn't be a dick just because--but if you can't pick her up at the airport because you have to work, you can't pick her up. If you have errands to run, you can ask if she'd like to join you, but you are going to run the errands you need to run, regardless. If you were thinking a trip to the zoo or a museum or whatever would be fun, invite her along, but go either way. She doesn't disrupt your plans in any way.

If you get any pushback, just be polite but clear that it's because she did not check with you before booking her travel. If she wants to make special plans for her trip, then she needs to talk to you guys ahead of time.

Also, when you hear about her travel plans via someone other than her, ignore it. If your SIL mentions it, it is as if you never heard it. You don't get in touch with her and tell her that you heard that she's coming and get the details. If that means she shows up and you guys are out of town, or someone else is staying in your guest room, too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does this as she obviously fears you will say no. She's taking the buy the tickets and ask for forgiveness later route.

Have your husband contact her and verify she's coming. If she says yes, then have him present two alternate dates which work better for your household.

Nope. Don't contact her. Don't verify. Until she tells you something directly, you have not heard it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives locally and is the queen of the drop-in which makes me nuts. Quiet Sunday afternoon of football and chili? Nope. Drop-in from MIL who wants to blather on about her sciatica. Busy day at work and I want to eat takeout in front of the tv? Nope. Drop in from MIL who wants a sit down home cooked meal on the spot. I started locking the door and not answering it when she came over and rang the bell and tried to let herself in. She doesn't drop in anymore.

Why in God's name would you make a home-cooked meal for someone just because they demanded it? I'd be like, "I'm ordering Chinese. Would you like something? I love the kung pao chicken, but I can also recommend the fried rice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I can't say we we won't be home and if I do this will cause a huge fight with DH. I'm not willing to let this women become a source of contention between my husband and I. I'm thinking of making her take a blue shuttle and leaving her at the house all day. Is this mean?

Could she take over the kid stuff for her whole visit? I'm guessing she comes to see them mostly anyway. Giving you and DH a break?