Tricky situation with a friend. Please advise

[Anonymous]

If there is no venue, there is no set date. No invitations have gone out. As far as I'm concerned, you are stressing for no reason. You do seem oddly controlling for someone else's wedding.

Why in the world would you pay for your friend's wedding gown?!?!? Have never heard of that in any culture.

[Anonymous]

She's not getting married.

Do not pay for a dress she isn't going to wear.

Tell her the lead time you need to book a plane ticket and hotel. If she doesn't give you a date and place by the time you need it, then don't attend.

And honestly MOH - not that amazing of an honor.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's not getting married and you are pushing someone who has cold feet. Instead of quitting on her, ask her what's going on in her life. Why is she not putting more effort into this?

[Anonymous]

500 people going to a destination wedding? Not happening. The whole wedding is not happening in any traditional sense. It will happen somehow, or else it won't, but you are not her wedding planner. Just stand up next to her when she finally gets married (at the justice of the peace) or support her when the whole thing falls through. But stop nagging.

[Anonymous]

Is she originally from the country where the wedding is happening? I'm assuming those 500+ people are family and friends from that area, not people she's expecting to fly over there.

[Anonymous]

While I do appreciate your input, my question was how to break the news that I am resigning from being her MOH without bruising her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I do appreciate your input, my question was how to break the news that I am resigning from being her MOH without bruising her feelings.

You can't. That is a cunty move and your friendship will never be the same. You have not explained why you feel that you should resign. You want to help plan the wedding, and she doesn't want that. It's not your job. Do the job she asked you to do, the job you accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do appreciate your input, my question was how to break the news that I am resigning from being her MOH without bruising her feelings.

You can't. That is a cunty move and your friendship will never be the same. You have not explained why you feel that you should resign. You want to help plan the wedding, and she doesn't want that. It's not your job. Do the job she asked you to do, the job you accepted.

Yeah you're overstepping your bounds and acting like you're the bride. It's really weird how overly controlling you Are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do appreciate your input, my question was how to break the news that I am resigning from being her MOH without bruising her feelings.

You can't. That is a cunty move and your friendship will never be the same. You have not explained why you feel that you should resign. You want to help plan the wedding, and she doesn't want that. It's not your job. Do the job she asked you to do, the job you accepted.

I agree with this. You can't back out without hurting her feelings. Tell her one final time to let you know if she needs help with anything, and then keep quiet and do nothing unless asked. This is perfectly acceptable, and the best course, given the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I do appreciate your input, my question was how to break the news that I am resigning from being her MOH without bruising her feelings.

I get that it can be annoying when you post a specific question on DCUM and people answer a different question instead or tell you you are doing it wrong.

But here, you really are doing it kind of wrong. You seem to think you're upset because she's making it difficult for you to help her. But she hasn't asked you for your help and seems to explicitly not want it. You seem put out that you are being asked to do tasks that nobody has asked or wants you to do. The solution is for you to stop thinking your role is something it is not.

Here is my advice: Say to her, "I really want to be a great MOH but am having a tough time figuring out my role. I am going to back off for a bit, and you come and let me know if you need specific advice or help." Then don't get ticked off when she doesn't ask you for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do appreciate your input, my question was how to break the news that I am resigning from being her MOH without bruising her feelings.

You can't. That is a cunty move and your friendship will never be the same. You have not explained why you feel that you should resign. You want to help plan the wedding, and she doesn't want that. It's not your job. Do the job she asked you to do, the job you accepted.

I agree with this. You can't back out without hurting her feelings. Tell her one final time to let you know if she needs help with anything, and then keep quiet and do nothing unless asked. This is perfectly acceptable, and the best course, given the situation.

+100
You seem to have a vision of how being a MOH should go, and that's fine, but the bride to be doesn't share your vision so you are stressing yourself out for nothing. You have no reason to resign from your MOH position, and to do so will be a slap in your friend's face and it's doubtful the relationship would recover.

[Anonymous]

I am resigning for the simple reason that I feel I am not the right person. She needs someone who is less controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No offense intended, but I think a MOH paying for the wedding dress would be weird. At this point, you'd both be better served if you put that money towards a wedding planner who can help her get her @)&%^*# together.

OP here, other than the fact that my MOH paid for my gown, I know a few people who have done the same. My BIL's wife who is 101 percent American took her friend for a fitting and she ended up surprising her by paying for the gown as well. I already paid for my friend's gown... PP you are right though I should have considered helping her hire a wedding planner... I feel lost already!

Never heard this before. How odd. As for wedding planning, relax it's not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, My sister in-law who happened to be my maid of honor paid for my wedding gown. I went for a fitting with her and she just surprised me... I felt so humbled by the gesture. I wanted to pass that same gesture to a friend.

You are right it's not my place to plan her wedding. I think I am just panicking on her behalf... Considering it's like 12 weeks to her wedding, I think you can see where I am coming from.

Yes, OP, you're making yourself responsible for things that are not your responsibility. Dh and I planned my wedding and my sister who was my maid of honor was responsible for buying her own dress that complemented the colors in mine (didn't wear white). She didn't organize or pay for a damned thing. She just showed up. If we had screwed up the organization of our wedding it wouldn't have been her problem, it would have been ours.

It's very nice that you want to help your friend with all this but she is pretty clearly telling you to back off multiple times. She is going to do it her way which won't be your (much better organized and sane) way. You have to accept that and try to enjoy the wedding even though you can't control it. On another note, I suggest you look more closely at your inclination to step in and take over a problem that doesn't belong to you. This is not a healthy way to live your life -- even though I know you have the best of intentions.

Hope you stay in the wedding. Hope you learn to accept that it will happen the way it happens and have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am resigning for the simple reason that I feel I am not the right person. She needs someone who is less controlling.

Well, if you are set on doing this, I would probably tell her that. Your relationship will probably recover faster (assuming it ever does) if you fully accept that the problem is you, not her.

If you are determined to do this, I might say:

"I need to tell you something. I realized I made a terrible mistake in agreeing to be your maid of honor. While I love you deeply, I have come to realize that I am way too controlling about this wedding to be a good and supportive friend. I know how incredibly rude it is for me to pull out of being your maid of honor, but I feel like I will do even more lasting damage to our relationship if I remain in this role. I am very sorry. I hope that some day you can forgive me, but I understand if you cannot."