How does your child treat special needs students at school?

[Anonymous]

OP,
Have you spoken with the teacher? Maybe, I missed this part. Also, all children feel left out from time to time--even so called "normal" kids. Is it possible that it is not as bad as you think? You mentioned his AAP teacher--is he in center or community school?

[Anonymous]

First, deal with the teacher. Sounds like 90% of the issues stem from that.

Second, it's a difficult situation. DS has a friend with ASD And some sensory seeking behaviors. These behaviors have gotten worse as they've gotten older and the stress of school has increased. Recently I noticed ds hasn't asked to have play dates with him so I talked to him about it. Turns out that even though DS has told him that some of his behaviors make him uncomfortable and he tries to prevent them from happening, he doesn't want to hang out with him anymore because he feels uneasy. It's tough as a mom. On the one hand I want DS to be kind and empathetic. On the other hand, I don't want to force him to be in situations where he feels uncomfortable (the other boy has difficulty maintaining personal spaces). It's hard to teach a little kid that they should never have to stay in a situation that makes them uncomfortable but at the same time to be more understanding of the child has some special needs. As he gets older it will be easier, but at a recently turned 7, the distinction is difficult to understand.

After this talk came about I did reach out to the teacher to make sure Ds wasn't being mean or exclusionary. Thankfully the only thing she had to report was that they did not seem as close as before but she didn't see DS treating him poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

I'm not the PP but they do this at Ashburton ES for the PEP program in North Bethesda. The 4th (I think) and 5th graders have to apply and there are always more applicants then spots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

I'm not the PP but they do this at Ashburton ES for the PEP program in North Bethesda. The 4th (I think) and 5th graders have to apply and there are always more applicants then spots.

My son was in this PEP program years ago. I remember the buddies. He really appreciated this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would brace myself if I were you as you approach the tween an teen years, as the problem will get worse before it gets better.
At least you have a boy. Girls are generally much worse in a fake sweet and innocent, passive-aggressive way. Even the best intentioned parents and teachers also often have a hard time assessing the situation accurately as a lot of the ostracism and bullying happens behind the scenes.

[Anonymous]

OP my son has ADHD, difficulty reading social cues, and he's HG. It's a kind of trifecta for being different. I would say the kids at his small private school are generally okay toward him, but he's not included. No friendships, no play dates. He is 8.5 and has expressed that he feels "invisible." I would add that if there is an issue with another student, the teachers are very quick blame him- including justifying that another student "pushed" him because he was walking too slow. If my kid pushed another kid for any reason, he would have been sent to the office.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a child with HFA and ADHD and IMO it is 99% teacher. When a teacher is on board completely with inclusion things fall into place because there is no tolerance for cruelty or scapegoating. Even if parents are uncomfortable with inclusion, if the teacher sets the example, they go along because they don't want to be the asshole who tells their kid to stay away.

Even when the teacher was awful, there was always at least 1 parent of NT who shared her (it was her every time) solidarity. Unfortunately, it also makes the assholes feel justified in blaming everything on the SN kids. Their kids would all be well-behaved geniuses if that kid disappeared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he/she try to get to know them? When he/she sees them eating alone at lunch, having no one to talk to at recess, do they shrug their shoulders and ignore or do they try to include them in a game or play? Do they speak kindly to them in group activities?

My child is special needs and after years of watching how he has been treated in schools by peers and teachers, I have come to realize that parents and teachers are not doing enough to show the value of special needs children. My child has been shoved in the hallways, is the only person at recess to not have anyone to play with, and is bullied by exclusion even in the classroom. Children will talk over his voice to discourage him from speaking in class. Children will ask other children to not speak to him. When my child tries to speak to other children, they pretend as if they don't hear.

He has sensory issues and likes to smell nice things. He once took his scented lip balm and rubbed it across his own sheet of paper so he would have something to smell throughout class. His AAP teacher came over to his desk, confiscated the lip balm as well as the paper and then kept him after class for 30 minutes to interrogate him about his unusual behavior. He was not permitted to go to kiss and ride and I was left wondering where my child is. My child suffers from ADHD and sensory issues.

Teachers have, unbeknownst to us, reduced his work load and changed his curriculum in certain subjects to help him get through material quickly so they can simply pass him rather than suggesting additional supports be placed within his existing IEP. His education this year would have been compromised had we not learned about this and quickly jumped in to ask for additional supports in his IEP.

At the age of 9, after enduring these assaults and insults every day in school, my child told me he wished he had never been born.

I am writing this in the general parenting forum to ask parents to speak to their children about how to treat special needs children. No matter what the special needs are, whether they are unmotivated or seemingly lazy in class, no matter if they have a tic, no matter if they make weird noises in class, no matter if they appear unintelligent, please ask your children to go out of their way to be kind and patient with them.

Making special needs children feel included is a reflection of our humanity.

It's not the kids - it's the school. They are allowing that to happen and most likely encouraging it unintentionally by not fostering an inclusive environment. We cannot tell our kids what to do in school when we have no idea what's going on there. And telling them in general to include others and be nice doesn't help. The people who are there have to make sure this doesn't happen, and they aren't doing that. Your school sucks. Period. Mine does too. Lots of them do. It's up to us to change things or get our kids out of there.

Do you invite other kids for playdates? Do you attend class parties and school events to meet other parents? Those things really help. It's not going to happen on its own, and other parents aren't going to do it for you. You need to make a change.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other posters that it needs to be addressed with the school. My son in 7 and one of his best friends is a boy with special needs. They play together at recess and have play dates. He's a very nice kid and they get along great. At their age they notice what they have in common instead of how they are different. My son has asked me privately things like, " how come he can't ..." and a simple explanation of everyone is different has been fine. Again, I'm so sorry OP. Please continue to advocate for your child and meet with the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he/she try to get to know them? When he/she sees them eating alone at lunch, having no one to talk to at recess, do they shrug their shoulders and ignore or do they try to include them in a game or play? Do they speak kindly to them in group activities?

My child is special needs and after years of watching how he has been treated in schools by peers and teachers, I have come to realize that parents and teachers are not doing enough to show the value of special needs children. My child has been shoved in the hallways, is the only person at recess to not have anyone to play with, and is bullied by exclusion even in the classroom. Children will talk over his voice to discourage him from speaking in class. Children will ask other children to not speak to him. When my child tries to speak to other children, they pretend as if they don't hear.

He has sensory issues and likes to smell nice things. He once took his scented lip balm and rubbed it across his own sheet of paper so he would have something to smell throughout class. His AAP teacher came over to his desk, confiscated the lip balm as well as the paper and then kept him after class for 30 minutes to interrogate him about his unusual behavior. He was not permitted to go to kiss and ride and I was left wondering where my child is. My child suffers from ADHD and sensory issues.

Teachers have, unbeknownst to us, reduced his work load and changed his curriculum in certain subjects to help him get through material quickly so they can simply pass him rather than suggesting additional supports be placed within his existing IEP. His education this year would have been compromised had we not learned about this and quickly jumped in to ask for additional supports in his IEP.

At the age of 9, after enduring these assaults and insults every day in school, my child told me he wished he had never been born.

I am writing this in the general parenting forum to ask parents to speak to their children about how to treat special needs children. No matter what the special needs are, whether they are unmotivated or seemingly lazy in class, no matter if they have a tic, no matter if they make weird noises in class, no matter if they appear unintelligent, please ask your children to go out of their way to be kind and patient with them.

Making special needs children feel included is a reflection of our humanity.

Your child doesn't have "special needs"

Once you stop using that as a crutch, only then are you going to be able to help your child. Lots of kids have sensory issues. In fact lots of adults have them. They learn to control the impulse but your child with ADHD needs more help with impulse control. Medication and explicit instructions. "Don't sniff papers all during class. It's not acceptable classroom behavior." Kids with ADHD are often not pick up context or inferential clues. That's not a special need, it's lack of attention.

The social situation you describe -meh, happens to lots of kids labeled and not labeled by their parent. Approach the school counselor, teacher, and do work outside of school - arrange play dates, get to know kids and parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Have you spoken with the teacher? Maybe, I missed this part. Also, all children feel left out from time to time--even so called "normal" kids. Is it possible that it is not as bad as you think? You mentioned his AAP teacher--is he in center or community school?

Definitely involve the teacher on the social issues. My DD doesn't have special needs but also isn't a typically girlish girl. She struggled in 1st grade with not having friends. I brought it up with the teacher, who was surprised because what he saw in the class was that she was getting along well with classmates. It was more at lunch/recess that was a problem. He observed for a couple days, moved kids around so she was sitting with a couple girls he thought were more on her wavelength, and things got better almost immediately.

I realize your child's special needs make it more complicated, but it won't get better without the teacher being on board. And, if she isn't, I'd raise the issue up to administration.

[Anonymous]

I think it is difficult. My son is only in K and I would say he is polite to the one child with special needs in his class. He says hi and is fine with this child sitting in his group at lunch if he asks to, but I don't think he makes a special effort to seek the boy out or make him feel included, and I have noticed that the boy is by himself a lot. I wish DS would make more of an effort, and have talked to him about this. I don't think they would ever be the best of friends (special needs child is relatively sporty and DS is not interested in sports at all), but I feel like there must be something that they can bond over a bit (a TV show, or legos, or something). We did invite the boy over one time, and he was a little rough with DS - but really nothing totally outside the norm. The problem is that there is a great disparity in physical size between them (DS is smaller), so he got very upset. Maybe we can try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my son has ADHD, difficulty reading social cues, and he's HG. It's a kind of trifecta for being different. I would say the kids at his small private school are generally okay toward him, but he's not included. No friendships, no play dates. He is 8.5 and has expressed that he feels "invisible." I would add that if there is an issue with another student, the teachers are very quick blame him- including justifying that another student "pushed" him because he was walking too slow. If my kid pushed another kid for any reason, he would have been sent to the office.

It's not just teachers, it's other parents, too. They are quick to throw the term brat around and ascribe malicious intent. The ones who do this are truly awful human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he/she try to get to know them? When he/she sees them eating alone at lunch, having no one to talk to at recess, do they shrug their shoulders and ignore or do they try to include them in a game or play? Do they speak kindly to them in group activities?

My child is special needs and after years of watching how he has been treated in schools by peers and teachers, I have come to realize that parents and teachers are not doing enough to show the value of special needs children. My child has been shoved in the hallways, is the only person at recess to not have anyone to play with, and is bullied by exclusion even in the classroom. Children will talk over his voice to discourage him from speaking in class. Children will ask other children to not speak to him. When my child tries to speak to other children, they pretend as if they don't hear.

He has sensory issues and likes to smell nice things. He once took his scented lip balm and rubbed it across his own sheet of paper so he would have something to smell throughout class. His AAP teacher came over to his desk, confiscated the lip balm as well as the paper and then kept him after class for 30 minutes to interrogate him about his unusual behavior. He was not permitted to go to kiss and ride and I was left wondering where my child is. My child suffers from ADHD and sensory issues.

Teachers have, unbeknownst to us, reduced his work load and changed his curriculum in certain subjects to help him get through material quickly so they can simply pass him rather than suggesting additional supports be placed within his existing IEP. His education this year would have been compromised had we not learned about this and quickly jumped in to ask for additional supports in his IEP.

At the age of 9, after enduring these assaults and insults every day in school, my child told me he wished he had never been born.

I am writing this in the general parenting forum to ask parents to speak to their children about how to treat special needs children. No matter what the special needs are, whether they are unmotivated or seemingly lazy in class, no matter if they have a tic, no matter if they make weird noises in class, no matter if they appear unintelligent, please ask your children to go out of their way to be kind and patient with them.

Making special needs children feel included is a reflection of our humanity.

Your child doesn't have "special needs"

Once you stop using that as a crutch, only then are you going to be able to help your child. Lots of kids have sensory issues. In fact lots of adults have them. They learn to control the impulse but your child with ADHD needs more help with impulse control. Medication and explicit instructions. "Don't sniff papers all during class. It's not acceptable classroom behavior." Kids with ADHD are often not pick up context or inferential clues. That's not a special need, it's lack of attention.

The social situation you describe -meh, happens to lots of kids labeled and not labeled by their parent. Approach the school counselor, teacher, and do work outside of school - arrange play dates, get to know kids and parents.

This kid is EIGHT YEARS OLD. What is wrong with you? It takes years and years of practice to learn to control impulses. You need to learn some manners and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he/she try to get to know them? When he/she sees them eating alone at lunch, having no one to talk to at recess, do they shrug their shoulders and ignore or do they try to include them in a game or play? Do they speak kindly to them in group activities?

My child is special needs and after years of watching how he has been treated in schools by peers and teachers, I have come to realize that parents and teachers are not doing enough to show the value of special needs children. My child has been shoved in the hallways, is the only person at recess to not have anyone to play with, and is bullied by exclusion even in the classroom. Children will talk over his voice to discourage him from speaking in class. Children will ask other children to not speak to him. When my child tries to speak to other children, they pretend as if they don't hear.

He has sensory issues and likes to smell nice things. He once took his scented lip balm and rubbed it across his own sheet of paper so he would have something to smell throughout class. His AAP teacher came over to his desk, confiscated the lip balm as well as the paper and then kept him after class for 30 minutes to interrogate him about his unusual behavior. He was not permitted to go to kiss and ride and I was left wondering where my child is. My child suffers from ADHD and sensory issues.

Teachers have, unbeknownst to us, reduced his work load and changed his curriculum in certain subjects to help him get through material quickly so they can simply pass him rather than suggesting additional supports be placed within his existing IEP. His education this year would have been compromised had we not learned about this and quickly jumped in to ask for additional supports in his IEP.

At the age of 9, after enduring these assaults and insults every day in school, my child told me he wished he had never been born.

I am writing this in the general parenting forum to ask parents to speak to their children about how to treat special needs children. No matter what the special needs are, whether they are unmotivated or seemingly lazy in class, no matter if they have a tic, no matter if they make weird noises in class, no matter if they appear unintelligent, please ask your children to go out of their way to be kind and patient with them.

Making special needs children feel included is a reflection of our humanity.

Your child doesn't have "special needs"

Once you stop using that as a crutch, only then are you going to be able to help your child. Lots of kids have sensory issues. In fact lots of adults have them. They learn to control the impulse but your child with ADHD needs more help with impulse control. Medication and explicit instructions. "Don't sniff papers all during class. It's not acceptable classroom behavior." Kids with ADHD are often not pick up context or inferential clues. That's not a special need, it's lack of attention.

The social situation you describe -meh, happens to lots of kids labeled and not labeled by their parent. Approach the school counselor, teacher, and do work outside of school - arrange play dates, get to know kids and parents.

It's "a lack of attention" based on a biological brain difference. Lack of attention is usually the tip of the iceberg- there are all kinds of learning and behavioral issues common co-morbid with ADHD. I'm a pp with a son who has ADHD- his differences affect his functioning and ability to learn both academically and socially. How is that not a special need?

Most caring parents try to find ways for their kids to learn and compensate to the best of that child's ability. That isn't what this about-- it's about teachers and NT students learning to be compassionate and flexible with kids who are born with differences.