How does your child treat special needs students at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

Sangster does this.

The kids involved were the kind, outgoing, leadership type kids. My kid would have loved to do it but was not selected.

My oldest especially really looks out for the underdogs. He is what I would call a well liked geek. He tends to keep an eye out for kids on the fringe, esp Aspie type kids who are getting bullied. We have a family member with aspergers who ended up homeschooling due to the type of issues you mentioned, so we really work with our kids to reach out and extend kindness to kids like their cousin who might need a little more patience and acceptance.

With our middle schooler, we see signs that our approach has worked. With the younger siblings, they are a work in progress.

OP, does your son have any of the "cool" geek interests, like pokemon cards, minecraft, portal or computers? Maybe finding an in with a group of quirky, geeky kids through those interests might help your son find his people.

Keep in mind too for when your son gets older that the theater kids tend to be a very welcoming and accepting group for all kinds of kids, even those that do not fit in with the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

Sangster does this.

The kids involved were the kind, outgoing, leadership type kids. My kid would have loved to do it but was not selected.

My oldest especially really looks out for the underdogs. He is what I would call a well liked geek. He tends to keep an eye out for kids on the fringe, esp Aspie type kids who are getting bullied. We have a family member with aspergers who ended up homeschooling due to the type of issues you mentioned, so we really work with our kids to reach out and extend kindness to kids like their cousin who might need a little more patience and acceptance.

With our middle schooler, we see signs that our approach has worked. With the younger siblings, they are a work in progress.

OP, does your son have any of the "cool" geek interests, like pokemon cards, minecraft, portal or computers? Maybe finding an in with a group of quirky, geeky kids through those interests might help your son find his people.

Keep in mind too for when your son gets older that the theater kids tend to be a very welcoming and accepting group for all kinds of kids, even those that do not fit in with the norm.

Yes, my son likes minecraft and anything related to electronics. I wouldn't say he's obsessed with minecraft but he can enjoy time with others who are into it. As far as theater types. Upon the recommendation of one of our school's teachers, I tried to get him in a local theatre group, Dodgeball theater. I emailed the owner of the theatre. The owner had put on a couple of plays at our school. I didn't receive any reply. So I called her. Her daughter answered, and said her mother readily answers her phone and could not understand why she hadn't replied to me. The daughter said she would be sure to pass along the message and promised me the mother would call me back. That was two years ago. I never heard from her. My guess is with his special needs, she wanted nothing to do with him. Granted my son could not take on a lead role in any play. However, he could have helped in many other ways, such as helping to build sets, setting the stage, helping with the costumes, taking on a very small role, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So many replies in this post reiterates my belief that the country is going to bell in a hand basket. So many callous people raising children to be just like them.

Open, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I fear for my child and his future in a world populated by those with such little compassion and ability to look inward. They would rather blame the most vulnerable instead.

Disagree. OP is only giving her side of the story-or what her child has told her. There are gaps there that we do not know about. Give the teacher a little benefit--none of us were there, and the situation might be quite different.

Also, OP needs to consider that her child might have been out of line. Her DS also needs to learn to be considerate of others. If his special needs are so great that he is not capable of that, then perhaps the story is different. However, the teacher is trying to teach each child in the class. You have no idea how many times she and the kids in the class may have accommodated the needs of this child. The lip balm smeared all over his work may have just been the final straw.

If you read OP's responses, she never seems to concede that her DS needs to adjust his behavior in any way.

Also OP interprets classmates as being intentionally cruel for what boils down to age-appropriate behavior (selecting friends based on commonalities rather than being concerned about including a child who might be viewed as different)

Wow. This is akin to victim blaming.
You tell me me when neurotypical kids pushing, ignoring and talking over another classmate is acceptable in any circumstance. I will wait.

Pushing, not acceptable. Ignoring and talking over - easy to misinterpret. All kids get ignored and talked over at some point, but maybe the other kids are more outspoken and OP's kid is more reserved. OP seems to be assuming a level of maliciousness that I'm not sure is really going on beyond those who physically intimidate her child.

I am the mother of the child in question. The teacher has confirmed there is a bit of ostracizing going on sometimes. I have volunteered in classrooms for years. The principal himself once said, "Your son is being bullied." Now…are you calling me a liar?

I think it's time you bow out of this discussion if you continue to engage in victim bashing. Your intolerance for children with special needs is evident. They are not able to conform at anyone's will. It is neurobiological impairment. You have absolutely no understanding of neurobiological disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kids' ES, kids often volunteer during lunch to work with PEP and SCB. So it's actually part of the culture, which is lovely. My daughter tried, but she was beaten to it!

OP here. PP, this is the kind of school and the kind of students I would like my SN child to be around. May I ask - what school this is? I honestly would consider even moving to a district like this in the future. I have other children and would want them to be in this kind of school too.

As for the PP who said her daughter prefers smart, well behaved children and would likely not go out of her way to show friendliness toward SN kids, I'm happy that your daughter is neurotypical to enjoy such friendships. However, I would ask how you would want your daughter to be treated if she were born with CP, DS, ASD, any special needs that clearly distinguishes her from classmates. If she sat alone on a bench while 80 children her age played at recess daily, would you want others to go up to her and encourage her to join them? Or would you prefer she sat alone daily?

Sangster does this.

The kids involved were the kind, outgoing, leadership type kids. My kid would have loved to do it but was not selected.

My oldest especially really looks out for the underdogs. He is what I would call a well liked geek. He tends to keep an eye out for kids on the fringe, esp Aspie type kids who are getting bullied. We have a family member with aspergers who ended up homeschooling due to the type of issues you mentioned, so we really work with our kids to reach out and extend kindness to kids like their cousin who might need a little more patience and acceptance.

With our middle schooler, we see signs that our approach has worked. With the younger siblings, they are a work in progress.

OP, does your son have any of the "cool" geek interests, like pokemon cards, minecraft, portal or computers? Maybe finding an in with a group of quirky, geeky kids through those interests might help your son find his people.

Keep in mind too for when your son gets older that the theater kids tend to be a very welcoming and accepting group for all kinds of kids, even those that do not fit in with the norm.

Yes, my son likes minecraft and anything related to electronics. I wouldn't say he's obsessed with minecraft but he can enjoy time with others who are into it. As far as theater types. Upon the recommendation of one of our school's teachers, I tried to get him in a local theatre group, Dodgeball theater. I emailed the owner of the theatre. The owner had put on a couple of plays at our school. I didn't receive any reply. So I called her. Her daughter answered, and said her mother readily answers her phone and could not understand why she hadn't replied to me. The daughter said she would be sure to pass along the message and promised me the mother would call me back. That was two years ago. I never heard from her. My guess is with his special needs, she wanted nothing to do with him. Granted my son could not take on a lead role in any play. However, he could have helped in many other ways, such as helping to build sets, setting the stage, helping with the costumes, taking on a very small role, etc...

paranoid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think you might be part of the problem. Your child has challenges but there may be a bigger reason other adults are reacting negatively to him/you.

And you are addressing more than one person in these last couple of pages.

[Anonymous]

Op may come to this conclusion from experience. That is totally logical and not far fetched. We understand that in most situations, why others can't seem to believe here is beyond me.

Stop trolling, haters.

[Anonymous]

You know, I have tried very hard to encourage compassion and kindness towards special needs kids. We've had SN kids over for playdates, gone to their homes, etc. I've also encouraged my children to speak up when they see anyone being bullied, whether the child is SN or not. I've patiently answered questions about why Larla is different, and why the usual standards of "fairness" and reciprocity might not apply. I've helped my children process their own feelings when they interact with someone who is SNs, especially when they feel the other child is being mean (lots of discussion about intent). I think my kids are, in general, kinder and more inclusive because of our efforts as a family.

As one of my children has been bullied for an entire school year, I know how tough it is to handle -- especially when teachers and other community members are creating an environment that allows bullying to go unchecked. However, I'm turned off by the belligerent, angry tone that OP has displayed in almost all of her posts. Perhaps she's burnt out and tired, but I do think that she is part of the problem. While demanding compassion and kindness for her child, she displays very little of either trait to those who disagree with her perspective.

If you want to influence people towards kindness and compassion, you first need to serve as an example. I think that's why so many people are responding in an angry, hurtful way. They're matching OP's tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I have tried very hard to encourage compassion and kindness towards special needs kids. We've had SN kids over for playdates, gone to their homes, etc. I've also encouraged my children to speak up when they see anyone being bullied, whether the child is SN or not. I've patiently answered questions about why Larla is different, and why the usual standards of "fairness" and reciprocity might not apply. I've helped my children process their own feelings when they interact with someone who is SNs, especially when they feel the other child is being mean (lots of discussion about intent). I think my kids are, in general, kinder and more inclusive because of our efforts as a family.

As one of my children has been bullied for an entire school year, I know how tough it is to handle -- especially when teachers and other community members are creating an environment that allows bullying to go unchecked. However, I'm turned off by the belligerent, angry tone that OP has displayed in almost all of her posts. Perhaps she's burnt out and tired, but I do think that she is part of the problem. While demanding compassion and kindness for her child, she displays very little of either trait to those who disagree with her perspective.

If you want to influence people towards kindness and compassion, you first need to serve as an example. I think that's why so many people are responding in an angry, hurtful way. They're matching OP's tone.

I don't find her belligerent or angry at all. Just frank.

OP, if your child is in AAP, you may want to brace yourself for the fact that at the middle school level and beyond, few or no real accommodations will be provided to your child. I know several 2E kids who have essentially dropped out of AAP as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I have tried very hard to encourage compassion and kindness towards special needs kids. We've had SN kids over for playdates, gone to their homes, etc. I've also encouraged my children to speak up when they see anyone being bullied, whether the child is SN or not. I've patiently answered questions about why Larla is different, and why the usual standards of "fairness" and reciprocity might not apply. I've helped my children process their own feelings when they interact with someone who is SNs, especially when they feel the other child is being mean (lots of discussion about intent). I think my kids are, in general, kinder and more inclusive because of our efforts as a family.

As one of my children has been bullied for an entire school year, I know how tough it is to handle -- especially when teachers and other community members are creating an environment that allows bullying to go unchecked. However, I'm turned off by the belligerent, angry tone that OP has displayed in almost all of her posts. Perhaps she's burnt out and tired, but I do think that she is part of the problem. While demanding compassion and kindness for her child, she displays very little of either trait to those who disagree with her perspective.

If you want to influence people towards kindness and compassion, you first need to serve as an example. I think that's why so many people are responding in an angry, hurtful way. They're matching OP's tone.

I don't find OP's tone belligerent - I think she's tired of seeing her kid marginalized by peers and teachers.

My son with ADHD has experienced a lot of mean comments and deliberate social exclusion by peers. The teachers shrug it off- I directly complained with specific examples- the teachers told me that my son must have "misunderstood." There were kids chasing him and hitting him at recess. I asked the substitute teacher what happened, she confirmed that she had to interfere on my son's behalf because the kids were teasing him and throwing soccer balls at his privates. The regular teachers continued to insist that these "kind" children would never bully him.

It's BS- I have a brother with HFA- he was in despair over the unrelenting bullying he received in school. Kids are often unkind without a lot of direction from parents and teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I have tried very hard to encourage compassion and kindness towards special needs kids. We've had SN kids over for playdates, gone to their homes, etc. I've also encouraged my children to speak up when they see anyone being bullied, whether the child is SN or not. I've patiently answered questions about why Larla is different, and why the usual standards of "fairness" and reciprocity might not apply. I've helped my children process their own feelings when they interact with someone who is SNs, especially when they feel the other child is being mean (lots of discussion about intent). I think my kids are, in general, kinder and more inclusive because of our efforts as a family.

As one of my children has been bullied for an entire school year, I know how tough it is to handle -- especially when teachers and other community members are creating an environment that allows bullying to go unchecked. However, I'm turned off by the belligerent, angry tone that OP has displayed in almost all of her posts. Perhaps she's burnt out and tired, but I do think that she is part of the problem. While demanding compassion and kindness for her child, she displays very little of either trait to those who disagree with her perspective.

If you want to influence people towards kindness and compassion, you first need to serve as an example. I think that's why so many people are responding in an angry, hurtful way. They're matching OP's tone.

I don't find her belligerent or angry at all. Just frank.

OP, if your child is in AAP, you may want to brace yourself for the fact that at the middle school level and beyond, few or no real accommodations will be provided to your child. I know several 2E kids who have essentially dropped out of AAP as a result.

That is not true. My DC is in HS now and has had the same accomodations from 6th to now.

[Anonymous]

I have a typically developing child in an MCPS school, and what I've seen is that there's a big difference in how the kids treat kids with visible disabilities and how they treat those with invisible disabilities. Kids with visible disabilities (ventilators, Ds, physical challenges) are treated well, watched out for, and integrated.

Kids with invisible challenges (high functioning autism, sensory issues, OCD, ADHD, impulse control issues) are often excluded. It seems to me that some of the behaviors typical in these groups can be confused with bad behavior, and it can be hard for NT kids to know who is who.

[Anonymous]

Kids with invisible challenges (high functioning autism, sensory issues, OCD, ADHD, impulse control issues) are often excluded. It seems to me that some of the behaviors typical in these groups can be confused with bad behavior, and it can be hard for NT kids to know who is who.

+10000

I think it is a tough call. Do you want all the kids to know that they are challenged?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a typically developing child in an MCPS school, and what I've seen is that there's a big difference in how the kids treat kids with visible disabilities and how they treat those with invisible disabilities. Kids with visible disabilities (ventilators, Ds, physical challenges) are treated well, watched out for, and integrated.

Kids with invisible challenges (high functioning autism, sensory issues, OCD, ADHD, impulse control issues) are often excluded. It seems to me that some of the behaviors typical in these groups can be confused with bad behavior, and it can be hard for NT kids to know who is who.

Great observation. I think a visible challenge is perceived as something the individual can't control. Invisible challenges are seen as acting out, a failure of will, or the result of poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Kids with invisible challenges (high functioning autism, sensory issues, OCD, ADHD, impulse control issues) are often excluded. It seems to me that some of the behaviors typical in these groups can be confused with bad behavior, and it can be hard for NT kids to know who is who.

+10000

I think it is a tough call. Do you want all the kids to know that they are challenged?

'

YES. It's better than them being bullied.

[Anonymous]

I've given this a lot of thought, and I'm still a little stuck. I want my daughter to be the kind of kid who stands up for other kids and is kind to those who don't have her advantages. In a lot of cases, she is. For kids with LGBT parents, or visible disabilities.

With that said, my individual kid is someone who will take a lot of abuse before walking away. So I'm constantly telling her "If someone is unkind to you, you don't have to be their friend."

When she was younger, this was a hard message to square with "Be kind to those kids who have a harder time controlling their bodies than you do" and it's not clear to me that her empathy for some kids carried over to all of them.

So, basically, it's complicated. I don't think the parents whose kids are being excluded are being oversensitive, but I also don't necessarily think the parents whose kids are doing the excluding are history's greatest monsters. Especially for younger kids, it can be really hard to figure out which kids are bullies, and which just have a hard time controlling their impulses. At times (not always but at times), those behaviors look similar.