13 year old son - is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for all the responses - I do appreciate it. The tricky part for us is that he is not a loner - he actually loves to socialize and is most happy when he is with friends. However, his friends are all in different social groups and he never wants to initiate things - he gets very anxious if we talk to him about having friends over etc. But if someone asks him to do something, he is thrilled. But he gets fewer invitations now and I know he feels upset about it. I feel like the more he is on his own, the lower his self esteem, the harder it will get for him to socialize since social groups are forming and he is missing out. I'm sure I will be told that I am nuts and should stay out of it - and maybe that's true - but it is very hard to watch your kid have few if any friends when he so wants to have them.

OP, I think this part (bolded) is what needs to be addressed.

Can you explain to him in a logical and concrete manner that friendships must be a two-way street? It sounds like he is insecure about some things in his home and his world and not confident enough in himself to think his friends will like him if they get too close. I would try to get him to talk about this. I think it only helps kids to understand from an early age that friendships and what he wants (being invited to things by other people, having close friends) requires real work on his part. He has an obligation to invest himself in relationships if he wants them to exist. No one can always be a taker; he has to give some of himself too. Try to find out why that is so hard for him.

[Anonymous]

10:40 In response to your question regarding why he is insecure about initiating plans, I think he does not like to have to worry about whether people are having a good time, figuring out what to do when buddies come over and wondering if buddies will want to come over at all when he asks.
I'm glad to know I am not the only one with a boy like this - that makes me feel a little better.

[Anonymous]

Son was like this at 13 - 14 - 15. Now, at 15 and a half, he's kind of coming out of it.

Lots of friends at school, very social, loves playing video games online with his friends on weekend nights .. but only now are they starting to get together in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:40 In response to your question regarding why he is insecure about initiating plans, I think he does not like to have to worry about whether people are having a good time, figuring out what to do when buddies come over and wondering if buddies will want to come over at all when he asks.
I'm glad to know I am not the only one with a boy like this - that makes me feel a little better.

How many of us adults can relate to that?! Why don't I host more dinner parties; because I hate worrying about whether everyone will like the food, whether my house looks OK and worrying about whether or not they really had a good time!

It's a perfectly normal emotion, but he should be taught to deal with it. You don't want this crippling him socially. Sometimes you have to take a risk, and guess what -- it won't always be perfect. The dinner I make may be awful, the house may not look that great and my normally-witty-and-great-conversationalist-DH may be in a bad mood that night and say something off-putting. But what I've found is, people still appreciate the EFFORT you go to in order to be their friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just talking to my 6th grade daughter's middle school AP and principal on Monday and they both said 7th grade is when the loners start to ... lone.

If your son is happy, let him be.

Maybe sit down and brainstorm with him a dozen or so activities he can do with friends when they come over. It may mean you spend $50 on some stuff to have in the house.

[Anonymous]

For what it is worth, My 13yr old DAUGHTER is like this. I think some kids need more downtime than others. She can't stand the constant overstimulation. She is very active in school and sports but is completely content spending weekend nights at home watching a movie or playing board games with us. Or just reading a book, playing video games. When there is a birthday party, an event or anything else - she is there and having fun. Friends ask her to do things and 75% of the time, she does them. But she rarely initiates get togethers and going out. And honestly, it worried me a little but then I realized how lucky we are. She is content. She has great friends but doesn't need to be "on show" all the time. She is secure in her own skin and follows the beat to her own drum. I like it and I love that she still thinks of home as a nice place to be.

In a few more years, you will be begging for these times back.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my son was at that age. Social at school, with some friends who would hang out here and there, but never really the instigator and not really the social butterfly type.

For some reason society expects kids to be constantly hanging out, an 8th grade counselor even pulled me and DH aside and said she didnt see him hanging out much after school and was worried he was depressed. He wasn't. He just never really felt the need to be constantly surrounded by friends, he would rather have some alone time and 2-3 really close friends to hang out with a couple times a week then roll with a posse like most kids tended to do.

He is now 21, successful at school, working, and still isnt a social butterfly. But, the friends he has (more then in the past, admittedly... I think drinking definitely made him appreciate the whole posse thing) are close friends, and surprisingly he has become the person they go to with problems.

I wouldn't worry unless he brings it up. What people want in terms of a social life differs a lot. I hate big, formal occasions, I see them as a lot of work for me and dislike how I have to fit into other people's expectations. My DH on the other hand loves them, thinks they are highly enjoyable and that the work is well worth it. So just listen to your son. Maybe he is being left out purposefully. Or maybe he just isn't interested in it.

Oh yeah, and comparatively DS was much easier to handle then DD who is a social butterfly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like me. I have friends, I like to socialize, but I just don't have the inherent need to be surrounded by people. I am perfectly happy doing things on my own most of the time.

Leave him alone.

+1

Leave him alone and let him figure things out for himself.

[Anonymous]

I have one of these kids, too, at 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for all the responses - I do appreciate it. The tricky part for us is that he is not a loner - he actually loves to socialize and is most happy when he is with friends. However, his friends are all in different social groups and he never wants to initiate things - he gets very anxious if we talk to him about having friends over etc. But if someone asks him to do something, he is thrilled. But he gets fewer invitations now and I know he feels upset about it. I feel like the more he is on his own, the lower his self esteem, the harder it will get for him to socialize since social groups are forming and he is missing out. I'm sure I will be told that I am nuts and should stay out of it - and maybe that's true - but it is very hard to watch your kid have few if any friends when he so wants to have them.

I don't know, OP. It sounds like he is capable of being social when he wants/needs to be. Is it possible that he is anxious when you bring it up b/c he is experiencing that as criticism, ie you're telling him there's something wrong w his approach?

[Anonymous]

OP, my 13 year old DS is this way too. He begged for a phone last year for Instagram and texting, but hasn't done either in months. He would really like to be more social outside of school but doesn't seem to know how, other than hanging with kids on our street. He was never shy but in the past few months realized that his buddies at school weren't inviting him to all their gatherings, etc. They live in other neighborhoods, but it's like he's a second-tier friend or something, and now he's afraid to initiate. My DH and I aren't so great at socializing outside our core group either, so I don't know how or even whether to help. I wish I'd been braver myself at this age.

[Anonymous]

I also have the same 13 year old DS. Is active on sports teams and seems to get along fine with the other kids but doesn't really have a lot of friends he hangs out with. He seems fine to me and doesn't seem depressed or upset about it. I think it bothers me more than him (I'd never let him know it bothers me). It's tough when you see the peers hanging out all the time together and doing things. I guess to each their own...