13 year old son - is this normal?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| My 13 year old son is very social at school and seems pretty happy and comfortable around his peers. However, he really does not have many friends that he hangs out with outside of school. When I drive carpools of his peers to practices, they are all texting, instagramming etc making plans to get together but somehow he is not doing so. When he does socialize, he really enjoys himself but he hates instigating get togethers - he always worries about what to suggest doing and whether it will be fun. It just seems as though his peers are being very social and he is not. I obviously don't want him to be on his phone all the time but is it normal at his age to almost never do so? I realize this may seem like an odd issue to worry about but I just want him to have good friends and not be lonely - I keep reading about how important peer groups are at this age. |
Anonymous
| OP, he seems happy. Don't get involved and make him feel like he is inadequate. He is 13. Let him figure it out. Would you tell that to the worker ant in the ant colony? Maybe he was meant to be that way. Not everyone can be a social butterfly. |
Anonymous
|
I think kids can end up being lonelier in the electronic age b/c everyone is on a screen vs. interacting with one another. If he's able to have friends over make sure there's at least some time when there is no screen time, e.g., for a meal. Or maybe suggest activities with friends like ropes course, rock climbing or swimming where it's not conducive to screen time.
If he seems happy, I wouldn't worry about it too much but I do think kids need more time just socializing. I think this video makes the point very well: http://943thepoint.com/i-forgot-my-phone-viral-video-parodies-cell-phone-use/ |
Anonymous
| A mom who is worried that her teenage son is not on the phone and social media enough??? Now I've heard everything. |
Anonymous
|
He sounds like me. I have friends, I like to socialize, but I just don't have the inherent need to be surrounded by people. I am perfectly happy doing things on my own most of the time.
Leave him alone. |
Anonymous
| OP, my 14 year old DS (9th grade) is like this. Pretty much never socializes outside school, but comfortable with his peers and happy. He's been like this pretty much since I stopped arranging play dates for him. It used to concern me (my middle school daughter is much more into her friends) but I see that he is happy with how things are. |
Anonymous
|
I was just talking to my 6th grade daughter's middle school AP and principal on Monday and they both said 7th grade is when the loners start to ... lone.
If your son is happy, let him be. Maybe sit down and brainstorm with him a dozen or so activities he can do with friends when they come over. It may mean you spend $50 on some stuff to have in the house. |
Anonymous
|
OP, my DS14 is like this except he also won't participate in any sports or activities so he doesn't even have that. I have to insist he pick one activity (and right now its a class at the gym twice a week) and other than that I leave him be. I do ask that he keep his grades at the A/B level and come to me if he needs help.
It drives me nuts still but I can't do anything about it and DS is happy, or, seems happy. The other 3 kids in my house love to socialize. |
Anonymous
| OP here - Thanks for all the responses - I do appreciate it. The tricky part for us is that he is not a loner - he actually loves to socialize and is most happy when he is with friends. However, his friends are all in different social groups and he never wants to initiate things - he gets very anxious if we talk to him about having friends over etc. But if someone asks him to do something, he is thrilled. But he gets fewer invitations now and I know he feels upset about it. I feel like the more he is on his own, the lower his self esteem, the harder it will get for him to socialize since social groups are forming and he is missing out. I'm sure I will be told that I am nuts and should stay out of it - and maybe that's true - but it is very hard to watch your kid have few if any friends when he so wants to have them. |
Anonymous
| To the poster who suggested activities - any suggestions for 13 year old boys besides xbox? It seems like that's all that want to do and I think they are beyond the stage where you can say "hey guys - how about going outside to shoot some hoops..." or whatever. We've done movies, trampoline places etc but I'm running low on ideas... |
Anonymous
well then, prepare for your universe to turn upside down: I am a mom of a 12 yr old post, and I could've written OP's post I've even gone so far as to casually and supportively ask DS if he's like me to show him how to engage in social media with his classmates. No takers. |
Anonymous
| * 12 year old BOY. not post. |
Anonymous
me too!!!!! I have a 12 year old boy that is otherwise "normal" but could care less about social media. I tell him to get his friends numbers and he asks "what for". He is involved in a lot of activities and likes his down time to be alone. |
Anonymous
|
OP what exactly is "normal"?
Is it simply what everyone else is doing? What if all the "normal" teens who are into social media and initiating get togethers also act like self-absorbed narcissistic assholes and more interested in pop culture than academics. Would that summon a sigh of relief if your kid was more like them - "normal"? |
Anonymous
|
Me too! 14 year old son, happy, maturing, gets casual hugs in passing by kids at his school when I see him there, loves his school, but basically stopped having friends over when I stopped arranging it (late, I know, in 6th grade). And I have a much more socially active younger child.
Both kids are in church youth groups and my 14 year old goes to his school mixers (we make him) and competes on a sports team most of the year. So, he is with peers then, and does fine/ seems happy and accepted. Because he is happy and doing well, I have stopped bothering him about it. And a benefit to that is that my letting go of that issue has greatly improved our relationship. He does play x-box with a lot of his buddies on Friday nights (each at their own house). I hear you, OP, that you sense your son wants a different set-up than he has. But at 14, unless he seems to be having peer relational problems, maybe let it be his problem to figure out. 14 is an ok age for that, IMO. |