Foster daughter and personal hygiene

[Anonymous]

Both of my SDs do this. They get blood on their sheets and do not wash. They take off their underwear and leave the used pads attached. On multiple occasions I've had to fish a pad out of the washing machine or dryer. They leave wrappers on the floor - like right now there are probably 20 used wrappers on the floor in each room. I haven't said anything to either girl directly because their mom (and sometimes my husband) talk to them about it. Does anyone understand WHY this happens? I don't think they're embarrassed or ashamed (like the OP my SDs don't seem to have a problem talking about their period in front of their dad). It baffles me. In our case I've ruled out them being uninformed about hygiene and - honestly - it doesn't seem like they're being passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive, it doesn't seem like they're being defiant either. They keep it confined to their rooms (although one of them left a big blood stain on the couch which I was unable to get out - I just turned the cushion over and let it go). Does anyone have an idea what is going on? I don't have a good enough relationship with their mom (her choice not mine) to be able to talk about the girls. My husband says he's continuing to talk to them about it and so is their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my SDs do this. They get blood on their sheets and do not wash. They take off their underwear and leave the used pads attached. On multiple occasions I've had to fish a pad out of the washing machine or dryer. They leave wrappers on the floor - like right now there are probably 20 used wrappers on the floor in each room. I haven't said anything to either girl directly because their mom (and sometimes my husband) talk to them about it. Does anyone understand WHY this happens? I don't think they're embarrassed or ashamed (like the OP my SDs don't seem to have a problem talking about their period in front of their dad). It baffles me. In our case I've ruled out them being uninformed about hygiene and - honestly - it doesn't seem like they're being passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive, it doesn't seem like they're being defiant either. They keep it confined to their rooms (although one of them left a big blood stain on the couch which I was unable to get out - I just turned the cushion over and let it go). Does anyone have an idea what is going on? I don't have a good enough relationship with their mom (her choice not mine) to be able to talk about the girls. My husband says he's continuing to talk to them about it and so is their mom.

Hi this is op. Thank you for posting this because it makes me feel like I am not the *only* one dealing with this in my home. I've also fished out used pads from laundry - still attached to underwear. Sometimes they will just be laying out in the bathroom which i have to walk through to get to the laundry room (just evidence of how close the washing machine is to the thing that needs to be washed. I can literally see it from where the underwear is!).

I am going to do what the other poster suggested and get a lidded trashcan for the room. And I did order the book. But I feel almost at a loss because I don't think she cares. I don't know how to make her care. I would not want anyone looking at my used pad splayed out on the bathroom floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my SDs do this. They get blood on their sheets and do not wash. They take off their underwear and leave the used pads attached. On multiple occasions I've had to fish a pad out of the washing machine or dryer. They leave wrappers on the floor - like right now there are probably 20 used wrappers on the floor in each room. I haven't said anything to either girl directly because their mom (and sometimes my husband) talk to them about it. Does anyone understand WHY this happens? I don't think they're embarrassed or ashamed (like the OP my SDs don't seem to have a problem talking about their period in front of their dad). It baffles me. In our case I've ruled out them being uninformed about hygiene and - honestly - it doesn't seem like they're being passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive, it doesn't seem like they're being defiant either. They keep it confined to their rooms (although one of them left a big blood stain on the couch which I was unable to get out - I just turned the cushion over and let it go). Does anyone have an idea what is going on? I don't have a good enough relationship with their mom (her choice not mine) to be able to talk about the girls. My husband says he's continuing to talk to them about it and so is their mom.

What? Who does this? Who leaves 20 pad wrappers on the floor of their room? Who takes off their underwear and leaves used pads attached (that is incredibly unsanitary)? Who bleeds all over the couch and doesn't say anything? OMG.

How old are these girls?

I am sorry, I would say something about this in my home. Again, make it a health issue, matter of fact. ALL period related items GO IN THE TRASH. No exceptions. Teach them how to get the stains out of their underwear and the sheets. Ye gods.

[Anonymous]

Get some ant traps, OP. Gross, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of my SDs do this. They get blood on their sheets and do not wash. They take off their underwear and leave the used pads attached. On multiple occasions I've had to fish a pad out of the washing machine or dryer. They leave wrappers on the floor - like right now there are probably 20 used wrappers on the floor in each room. I haven't said anything to either girl directly because their mom (and sometimes my husband) talk to them about it. Does anyone understand WHY this happens? I don't think they're embarrassed or ashamed (like the OP my SDs don't seem to have a problem talking about their period in front of their dad). It baffles me. In our case I've ruled out them being uninformed about hygiene and - honestly - it doesn't seem like they're being passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive, it doesn't seem like they're being defiant either. They keep it confined to their rooms (although one of them left a big blood stain on the couch which I was unable to get out - I just turned the cushion over and let it go). Does anyone have an idea what is going on? I don't have a good enough relationship with their mom (her choice not mine) to be able to talk about the girls. My husband says he's continuing to talk to them about it and so is their mom.

Hi this is op. Thank you for posting this because it makes me feel like I am not the *only* one dealing with this in my home. I've also fished out used pads from laundry - still attached to underwear. Sometimes they will just be laying out in the bathroom which i have to walk through to get to the laundry room (just evidence of how close the washing machine is to the thing that needs to be washed. I can literally see it from where the underwear is!).

I am going to do what the other poster suggested and get a lidded trashcan for the room. And I did order the book. But I feel almost at a loss because I don't think she cares. I don't know how to make her care. I would not want anyone looking at my used pad splayed out on the bathroom floor.

She doesn't have to actually care. You need to explicitly explain to her how to dispose of period-related items in a sanitary way. You take it out of your panties, you wrap it in toilet paper, you wrap that in the new pad wrapper, and then you put it in the trash. No exceptions. Do not dispose of them for her. Why would she do it if you are going to? Have you taught her to sort laundry? Checking pockets, checking panties, etc. State that NO items other than clothing go in the wash. No pads, no tissues, no coins, no pens, etc.

[Anonymous]

The Care and Keeping of You book is excellent - great recommendation by that other PP. I have a 12 year old and this book has been such a great conversation starter.

Also, maybe one tactic to discuss how to be hygienic with her products is to buy her a fresh box of pads, pull one out, open it and very matter of factly show her how to remove a dirty one, wrap it in the new wrapper and toss it in the trash.

When my DD came home from school after the family life chapter (or whatever they call it), she had a little 'goodie' bag of feminine hygiene products. I showed her how to put the pad in the underwear, how to remove and how to dispose of it. I also showed her how to work a tampon and applicator (not really putting it in but pushing on the applicator to see how it worked, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I'm open to book recommendations- pls let me know if you have any!

The American Girl body books are really well-written. They might skew a little younger but she sounds a little immature.
"The Care and Keeping of You-1" (for younger girls) and "2" for older girls.

Wow. If she already has a baby, she needs "Our Bodies, Ourselves" not some American Girl book. Our Bodies, Ourselves was originally written by the Boston Women's Health Collective and contains comprehensive, objective, non-discriminatory information on women's health from cradle to grave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I'm open to book recommendations- pls let me know if you have any!

The American Girl body books are really well-written. They might skew a little younger but she sounds a little immature.
"The Care and Keeping of You-1" (for younger girls) and "2" for older girls.

Wow. If she already has a baby, she needs "Our Bodies, Ourselves" not some American Girl book. Our Bodies, Ourselves was originally written by the Boston Women's Health Collective and contains comprehensive, objective, non-discriminatory information on women's health from cradle to grave.

She has had a baby. Unfortunately, the birth of her child doesn't really correlate as much as I would hope to maturing. Evaluations of her have overwhelming compared her emotionally and intellectually as closer to a 10 year old than the adult she is biologically/technically becoming. I will look at this book too thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my SDs do this. They get blood on their sheets and do not wash. They take off their underwear and leave the used pads attached. On multiple occasions I've had to fish a pad out of the washing machine or dryer. They leave wrappers on the floor - like right now there are probably 20 used wrappers on the floor in each room. I haven't said anything to either girl directly because their mom (and sometimes my husband) talk to them about it. Does anyone understand WHY this happens? I don't think they're embarrassed or ashamed (like the OP my SDs don't seem to have a problem talking about their period in front of their dad). It baffles me. In our case I've ruled out them being uninformed about hygiene and - honestly - it doesn't seem like they're being passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive, it doesn't seem like they're being defiant either. They keep it confined to their rooms (although one of them left a big blood stain on the couch which I was unable to get out - I just turned the cushion over and let it go). Does anyone have an idea what is going on? I don't have a good enough relationship with their mom (her choice not mine) to be able to talk about the girls. My husband says he's continuing to talk to them about it and so is their mom.

The why this happens is that girls their age are not terribly responsible, OP. Do they clean up after themselves in general? NO. Do they always put their dishes right into the dishwasher, vacuum the rug right away when popcorn gets on it? NO. Pads and periods are no different. Girls menstruate at around age 9-12, which is not an age of great responsibility and personal hygiene. They'd rather not deal with it. It's gross, it's tedious, it's a chore. Frankly, I'm 50 and it's unpleasant to deal with my menstrual cycle. I don't leave pads lying around but I wish there were a way to cope with this whole thing without mess, fuss, grossness and tedium.

[Anonymous]

In reference to the stains on sheets and cushions:

I have found that my girls need wings or they can't keep the pads to stay straight during the day. One has a heavier flow, so she uses overnight pads during the day. The other always uses extra long pads. Perhaps she's having issues with leaking at the sides or back?

[Anonymous]

Boy, you mentioned just in passing that she had a baby? Was it given up for adoption? If there are hygiene issues, could she be clinically depressed? Could she have shame issues surrounding her body and sexuality? Does she have a therapist? There is so much here that seems to me to be way more than blood on the sheets. I would not be going into a girl's room and changing the sheets without being asked, personally. I think you've got to be careful with this and your standards of hygiene may not be hers. Some people shower every day, others don't. She may not care about a little bit of blood, or she may be embarrassed, or whatever, but this all seems rather delicate and potentially emotional to me.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I'm open to book recommendations- pls let me know if you have any!

The American Girl body books are really well-written. They might skew a little younger but she sounds a little immature.
"The Care and Keeping of You-1" (for younger girls) and "2" for older girls.

Wow. If she already has a baby, she needs "Our Bodies, Ourselves" not some American Girl book. Our Bodies, Ourselves was originally written by the Boston Women's Health Collective and contains comprehensive, objective, non-discriminatory information on women's health from cradle to grave.

She has had a baby. Unfortunately, the birth of her child doesn't really correlate as much as I would hope to maturing. Evaluations of her have overwhelming compared her emotionally and intellectually as closer to a 10 year old than the adult she is biologically/technically becoming. I will look at this book too thank you!

OP - you now mention she's functioning at the level of a 10 year old. Knowing that she was special needs would certainly have gotten you more compassionate advice from PPs, I'm guessing. I'm also guessing other PPs are not foster parents. "Just tell her!" Is stupid advice for a foster kid. How much trauma has she been a victim of? That would help inform my answer/advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reference to the stains on sheets and cushions:

I have found that my girls need wings or they can't keep the pads to stay straight during the day. One has a heavier flow, so she uses overnight pads during the day. The other always uses extra long pads. Perhaps she's having issues with leaking at the sides or back?

Maybe I am the exception, but I'm guaranteed to make a huge, huge mess if I use winged pads.

What I discovered during a hospital stay, and what I'm still using for my period, are the extra large pads that are used for light urinary incontinence. They soak a lot more than regular pads, they're bulkier so they don't slip around in the underpants, and they have no adhesive stripes, which is a blessing for the skin as there's no accidental sticking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her a trash can for her room that has a tight-fitting lid.

Great idea.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for being a foster mom. Many of these girls come from situations that we can't even imagine. Thank you for helping her as best you can.