Foster daughter and personal hygiene

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy, you mentioned just in passing that she had a baby? Was it given up for adoption? If there are hygiene issues, could she be clinically depressed? Could she have shame issues surrounding her body and sexuality? Does she have a therapist? There is so much here that seems to me to be way more than blood on the sheets. I would not be going into a girl's room and changing the sheets without being asked, personally. I think you've got to be careful with this and your standards of hygiene may not be hers. Some people shower every day, others don't. She may not care about a little bit of blood, or she may be embarrassed, or whatever, but this all seems rather delicate and potentially emotional to me.....

The baby lives with us too, but she doesn't really parent the baby. Maybe an hour or two here and there when we really press the issue. We have a great therapist, but she's careful to draw the line between being a therapist and making parenting decisions. What I really need is a parenting coach. There are so few resources out there for parenting children who are also parents.

I've been trying to have conversations this week. We had a big one after I fished a pad out of the washing machine tonight. I think she's starting to get it? I don't know. I got the our bodies ourselves book and I'm trying to find a way to give it to her without being dismissed.

As far as changing the sheets - tonight I changed my son's sheets when he wet the bed (toddler). I change my other foster daughter's sheets when she drools and spits up (infant). This girl is also my child and in many ways a young child- I will change her sheets when they are dirty because I want all of my children sleeping in clean beds. Her standards of hygiene are not mine or yours or anybody else's really. They are very very low. So in many ways I feel charged with bringing her up to speed the best way I can - it is and continues to be slow, but forward moving. The period stuff is just one element of this.

I really appreciate the advice about pads and different pads. Most of my experience is in tampons so the information is helpful. I am going to get some different kinds for her to try at night in hopes that one might work. I think her flow might be worse because of paraguard. However I'm scared to mess with the iud because I'm terrified of another pregnancy (she's had more than one before finishing 8th grade).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for being a foster mom. Many of these girls come from situations that we can't even imagine. Thank you for helping her as best you can.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, give her the book even if you get dismissed with an eye roll and a shudder. She may look at it after lights out and on her own with the door shut.

[Anonymous]

OP, so glad to hear about the Paraguard; IUD is definitely the way to go to prevent future pregnancy. Unfortunately, some people do get heavier periods with IUD. Sometimes it goes away over time. Have you followed up with her doctor about it -- there can be ways to manage it (short course of ibuprofen, etc.)

Please just tell her you noticed the blood on her sheets and washed them, but wanted to let her know how to do it herself next time, because blood stains and it helps to get it out before the stain has a chance to set. Tell her she can strip the sheets herself, put a little extra soap on the bloody spot and throw them in the washing machine with cold water only (hot sets the stain). Same for underwear or clothing.

Is she wearing super plus tampons? Changing to a fresh tampon before bed? Using an additional mini or maxi pad? Positioning the maxi pad differently at night time ( a little more toward her bottom, since she is likely laying on her back sleeping for much of the night.

Normalize it so she doesn't feel bad. Tell her these kind of heavy periods can happen periodically in a woman's life (postpartum, with contraceptive use changes, in perimenopause, etc.)

The key is to watch your body language and tone of voice so you are not conveying anger or shame. It's just -- this happened, here are some tips to prevent/fix it.