Foster daughter and personal hygiene

[Anonymous]

So I found my foster daughter's sheets stained with blood. She didn't tell me before leaving for school or attempt to do anything about it. So Iwashed and changed the sheets, no big deal. Foster daughter comes home from school, doesn't go to room, doesn't say anything about sheets. Before she heads off to her room for the night, I say hey I changed your sheets. No big deal, I just need to know next time. She says she was going to address it when she got home (but clearly hadn't). Not sure if I handled that the right way.

The other issue is that she changes her pads in her room. Leaves the paraphanelia around (wrappers, old pads whatever). Do I tell her that this is a bathroom activity? Not really sure how or even if I should address this. She has her own private bathroom.

As far as her being embarrassed. She freely has discussed her monthly cycle with my husband and his father (as a demonstration of her openess IMO) but maybe her willingness to discuss it on her own terms doesn't make it any less embarrassing for me to bring it up? She's lived with us for almost a year now, so this isn't our first rodeo but I don't know my teenager raising skills are that improved.

Any help welcomed from those of you that are my skilled than I in teenagerhood, which is probably everyone (let's face it).

[Anonymous]

Why did you let this go on a year? I say handle it head on. Do you treat her like she's your own daughter? Would you let your daughter do this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you let this go on a year? I say handle it head on. Do you treat her like she's your own daughter? Would you let your daughter do this?

Because she moved in with us 4 days post partum and she wasn't cycling. We have been working on many other issues related to hygiene. Some with more success than others. I can get her to shower everyday but not after she works out at night for example. She's practically an adult so I can't just force her to do things.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you post this before a few months ago?

[Anonymous]

Just talk to her about it!

[Anonymous]

Get her a trash can for her room that has a tight-fitting lid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I found my foster daughter's sheets stained with blood. She didn't tell me before leaving for school or attempt to do anything about it. So Iwashed and changed the sheets, no big deal. Foster daughter comes home from school, doesn't go to room, doesn't say anything about sheets. Before she heads off to her room for the night, I say hey I changed your sheets. No big deal, I just need to know next time. She says she was going to address it when she got home (but clearly hadn't). Not sure if I handled that the right way.

The other issue is that she changes her pads in her room. Leaves the paraphanelia around (wrappers, old pads whatever). Do I tell her that this is a bathroom activity? Not really sure how or even if I should address this. She has her own private bathroom.

As far as her being embarrassed. She freely has discussed her monthly cycle with my husband and his father (as a demonstration of her openess IMO) but maybe her willingness to discuss it on her own terms doesn't make it any less embarrassing for me to bring it up? She's lived with us for almost a year now, so this isn't our first rodeo but I don't know my teenager raising skills are that improved.

Any help welcomed from those of you that are my skilled than I in teenagerhood, which is probably everyone (let's face it).

You need to just treat it as a health issue. Teach her to get the blood stains out of the sheets. Just mention that ALL pad related items MUST go in the trash, no exceptions. Try to be as matter of fact as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I found my foster daughter's sheets stained with blood. She didn't tell me before leaving for school or attempt to do anything about it. So Iwashed and changed the sheets, no big deal. Foster daughter comes home from school, doesn't go to room, doesn't say anything about sheets. Before she heads off to her room for the night, I say hey I changed your sheets. No big deal, I just need to know next time. She says she was going to address it when she got home (but clearly hadn't). Not sure if I handled that the right way.

The other issue is that she changes her pads in her room. Leaves the paraphanelia around (wrappers, old pads whatever). Do I tell her that this is a bathroom activity? Not really sure how or even if I should address this. She has her own private bathroom.

As far as her being embarrassed. She freely has discussed her monthly cycle with my husband and his father (as a demonstration of her openess IMO) but maybe her willingness to discuss it on her own terms doesn't make it any less embarrassing for me to bring it up? She's lived with us for almost a year now, so this isn't our first rodeo but I don't know my teenager raising skills are that improved.

Any help welcomed from those of you that are my skilled than I in teenagerhood, which is probably everyone (let's face it).

You need to just treat it as a health issue. Teach her to get the blood stains out of the sheets. Just mention that ALL pad related items MUST go in the trash, no exceptions. Try to be as matter of fact as possible.

This. She might not know how to get blood stains out. This is the kind of thing a mom teaches.

[Anonymous]

Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

+1

Incredibly embarrassing and invasive that you checked her sheets (why?) then confronted her in a very unkind way. If you want to teach then start with being compassionate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

+1

Incredibly embarrassing and invasive that you checked her sheets (why?) then confronted her in a very unkind way. If you want to teach then start with being compassionate.

I didn't check her sheets. I was putting her Mother's Day gifts in her room and saw it right there (her bed was unmade).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I'm open to book recommendations- pls let me know if you have any!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I obviously wasn't trying to be confrontational and embarrassing. I was trying to be quick, factual and painless (which is what I would have preferred as a teenager). I would have died if someone tried to have a buddy buddy conversation with me about my period. But I guess everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I'm open to book recommendations- pls let me know if you have any!

The American Girl body books are really well-written. They might skew a little younger but she sounds a little immature.
"The Care and Keeping of You-1" (for younger girls) and "2" for older girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sit down with her. Say more than "Hey I changed your sheets" which is very confrontational and embarrassing for an adolescent and foster child and not warm and nurturing at all.

Have a chat with her in which you explain menstruation, both how it works and how you plan for it, cope with it, and deal with it. Either do it as a mother/daughter or as "one of the girls." Give her a book (you may have already) so she can read on her own.

I'm open to book recommendations- pls let me know if you have any!

The American Girl body books are really well-written. They might skew a little younger but she sounds a little immature.
"The Care and Keeping of You-1" (for younger girls) and "2" for older girls.

Awesome! Just ordered it...thank you! Looks like a really helpful book.