Talk me through online dating
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Anonymous
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I met my DH on OkCupid.
I found the guys I met on there were like most guys IRL. Some wanted just sex and if they didn't get it in the first few dates, they were gone. Others wanted relationships and willing to wait a little longer to see if things were clicking before ending things if the sex didn't happen. (I only slept with guys when I was in a committed relationship) What you are dealing with is a mind set issue. You feel bad that you are a virgin and that you are going to disappoint the guys--like there is something wrong with you that you have to apologize for. There is nothing wrong with you, your size or your sexuality. You are absolutely perfect the way you are. Someone out there will think that a 16W virgin is the best thing ever and love every piece of you. But you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find that guy (we all do!). So date. Tell them that you want to take things slowly and you don't believe in having sex until you are in a committed relationship or marriage. Kiss when you want to kiss and don't when you don't. Be smart, like don't go to his place or invite him to your place unless you are ready for sex (or you've had a very clear conversation that you are waiting to have sex until X, Y or Z happens). Dating suck and is awkward, so don't get discouraged. Just keep putting yourself out there and don't take things personally if they don't work out. You are supposed to be the the prettiest, smartest (thinest), sexiest woman out there. You are supposed to be you, warts and all, the best you, you can be. That will allow you to find the perfect guy for you. Good Luck! |
Anonymous
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I found there were some cues for which men would not be promising: I do not like men who write they "work hard and play hard" and I do not like men who say they're "laid back." Honestly, avoiding both of those really helps. Now write a profile that similarly keeps away the wrong men by using words like "church" and "long-term relationship." I agree with the idea of making sure your photos are accurate, erring on the side of less flattering. Not bad but not glamor shots.
Even with all of this, I still met guys online who clearly thought I was someone who I'm not. Honestly, I'd go on a date or two with them too, because its kind of interesting. I wouldn't let it get physical, so they would sort of end themselves. I met a wildly inappropriate guy online one day and chatted with him just for fun. It fizzled, but a few months later, he introduced me to a friend (who had some things in common with me and he thought I could help him network). I married the friend. So sometimes flirting with guys who don't get you isn't the worst thing in the world. |
Anonymous
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It's definitely a numbers game. Get on a few sites and treat it like a part time job - not romantic, I know. Also, you said you don't feel completely dateable. Since you are not in a hurry, do some things that will make you feel more complete/attractive (not talking about weight loss).
And do some of the non girly meetups. The dinner/brunch ones are good for meeting guys as well as the travel ones. |
Anonymous
Great tips. I also agree with the tip to treat it like a part-time job. I think it is very wise to take dating as seriously as you would any other life-altering pursuit, like education or career. Who you end up with certainly has at least as big if not a bigger impact on your quality of life as those two things. I love the tip about going out with people just because it was interesting. Before dates I'd always psych myself up by saying, "Well, if he's not the love of my life, hopefully I'll get a good story out of it!" And boy, did I ever get some good stories!!! People LOVED hearing dating stories too. |
Anonymous
| Thanks, all! I am starting to think this might actually be fun. Love the mindset that at least it will be a good story. I think a big part of what I am feeling is simply that I have no idea hot to flirt or guage interest at all. I have been on a handful of dates and never more than one with the same guy. There is something about me that is very off-puttin to men and I think it's just that I don't feel comfortable even expressing interest. I hope in a situation where I am obviously interested enough to be there I will be better able to open up. Any other thoughts welcome! |
Anonymous
I'm glad you're coming around OP, it really can be fun. Do you have any friends who are good with guys- can you watch them/talk about what they do? I know there are even meet-up groups run by matchmakers who teach women how to flirt if you wanted to go to one of those. |
Anonymous
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You just have to do it. Rip the bandaid off as they say. And by "do it," I mean the dating, not the sex, in case that wasn't clear. Hold off on sex until you're comfortable. Online dating is one avenue. Speed dating is another. Meetup groups and matchmakers are another. I'd save the matchmaker for last as from what I've heard (I haven't tried one myself, but friends have) even services like It's Just Lunch can get pretty expensive.
Do: Read some articles about how to write a great profile/learn online dating etiquette. I hate saying this, because it's at least 50% 21 year old idiots on there, but I've looked at the Reddit OKCupid forum (and I'm not a Redditor for any other purposes) and they have some pretty good insight about your profile, general etiquette (e.g. how quickly to meet someone from the site, etc.) Search past threads about online dating on here - I've posted when I've had questions, as have others, and there's good advice/feedback/experience there. Don't: Don't expect it to be great right away. Don't be afraid to try another site if one doesn't work out. I MUCH prefer OKCupid to Match (those are the only two I've tried) but YMMV. Don't get disheartened when guys just stop contacting you in the middle of the messaging process, or ask you for a date and then disappear when it's time to confirm the place/time, etc. In my experience (about a year) that happens with 20 - 30% of people you agree to meet. Remember you don't know a person until you've met them at least a couple of times no matter how great their profile seems. They could be married and seeing 'what's out there' or catfishing or God only knows what. Don't be afraid to deactivate your profile or take a break before trying another site if you get burnt out and frustrated. When you meet someone you like, don't assume you are exclusive until/unless you've had a conversation explicitly stating so. Safety: Don't use profile pictures that you use anywhere else on the internet (e.g. Facebook or LinkedIn) if you don't want everyone out there being able to Google Image search your pictures and find out your real name, place of employment, etc. Do send a screenshot of your date's profile, his phone number and full name (if you have them) and the place and time you are meeting him to a friend before first dates, and check in with them after the date. Don't let men pick you up at/come to your home, or go to theirs, until you are at least a few dates in, and when you do, be aware, especially as a virgin, because (as evidenced clearly in recent threads here) to many men, that means sex will be happening, unless you have a clear conversation otherwise. In short, have fun, and be careful. |
Anonymous
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I'm PP above. I forgot one more 'Do' and it's one of the most helpful pieces of advice I got when I started online dating.
DO know that you need to manage your time. No one else is going to do it for you. I found that generally, I could manage conversations with about 4 different men at one. 2 of those would fade out, from one or both of us, and then within about 10 days - 2 weeks, you go on dates with the other 2. Usually only one (if I was lucky) I would want a second date with, and them with me, and then I was free to start chatting with a couple more people. I know people who have had 5 or more dates/week with different people, and I just couldn't do that. I'd be mentally exhausted, and missing out on family/friend activities, etc. You've got to find what works for you, but for me, any more than 2 dates/week with different people was too much. |
Anonymous
Oh yes, me again, a third time. Apparently I have a lot of wisdom to share about this topic 
DO message with/date men whose profiles might not necessarily be exactly what you are looking for. If they're a little shorter than your dream guy would be, but everything else checks out - go on the date. Their profile isn't the wittiest, but they seem kind, cute, and you have common interests - go on the date. Keep your list of non-negotiables short: things like differences on drug use, religion, children, polyamorous lifestyle are significant, but many 'preferences' are not - you might prefer a professional or academic, but don't necessarily turn down dates/not message someone who only has an undergrad degree, or is a fireman, cop, etc. DO message men you are interested in, not just sit and wait for the men you like to message you. |
Anonymous
Also, think of online dating as educational. If you're not great with dating, then just go for numbers so you can get better at it. You'll get the hang of it, but practice will help you just like in any other area. |
Anonymous
Completely agree. I was blowing my husband off when he first messaged me and we'd started talking, because he lived 2.5 hours away (I lived in a major metro area, so why would I have to go that far to date?), appeared kind of skinny in his pictures (not my type generally), and had his height listed as the same height as me (and we all know guys lie about their height, right?). He finally sort of called me out on it after we'd been talking and then I just stopped responding, and I liked that. We met halfway between and went out. It was a good date, but no crazy sparks or anything. I didn't go home thinking "This could be the one!" 5 years later we're married, he is an AWESOME guy, and we live across the country (so who cares about the 2.5 hours distance anymore - it was tough but we figured it out). Oh, and he's an inch taller than he put in his online profile... what guy does that?! |
Anonymous
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I totally agree with dating people that might not be 100% what you are looking for. I refused to ever date a smoker--never, ever going to happen after losing both my Grandparents to smoking related diseases. Then one day I was bored and removed the non-smoker filter on my profile. BAM, DH's picture comes up and he is SO CUTE!! I debate whether or not to contact him since--No dating smokers, ever!
I figured this online dating thing rarely works so what the hell, and contact him. 2 years later we were married LOL (He has quit smoking, but has a few slips here and there.) OP- as for your awkwardness, bring it up. Very casually, with a big sheepish grin, just say, "I'm so bad a first dates. I'm so awkward and it just takes me a few times for the real me to come out." Most people will totally understand and agree with you. You can share awkward date stories and laugh. Also try to do dates where you are doing something--going to a lecture, riding bikes, etc. The dates where you just have to sit and talk are going to be worse for you. |