Potty training strategies that do not involve bribery or rewards?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried waiting for him to say he needs to potty. My dad is 2.5 sbe tells me she she needs to pee. She also will only pee when I leave her alone, reading a book to keep her on the potty doesn't work.

He says "Mama I need to potty!" right when the flood gates open.

I'll try giving him a little space, too. I guess I'd have a hard time peeing with someone staring me down the whole time, too! He did great using the potty while I was in the shower this morning, so there's probably something to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We trained at about this age with pretty fast success and no bribery. We did basically what you are describing (although I'm at home with my DS, so there wasn't the daycare component to worry about, and we did it over the holidays, so our preschool was closed until he was pretty settled in the new system anyway).

We went with pants but no undies and just took him to the potty fairly regularly. If he didn't go, he didn't go. If he did, great. No big deal either way but offered another potty trip again soon if he didn't. About every hour or two, max. My DS actually prefers to hold it for a long time, so that made it a little hard. Now that he's potty trained, he will refuse to go most of the afternoon until he REALLY needs to, but I know I can trust him based on what he says now, so it's not such a big deal as it was when we were training.

Just keep with it and don't do pullups -- always do undies or nothing. I think having on pants or undies (not totally free) is best because they can see the mess in their pants, and it's more uncomfortable than when they just pee on the floor.

Make access to the toilet easy and fun. Do you have a small toilet so he can do some of it himself (like at least getting on and off, maybe even pulling down pants)? My DS prefers the little potty over the adult one because he can do more himself.

Just keep with it -- it took us a couple of weeks of working at it before all accidents were gone, but after a few days, it was already pretty good. Is daycare on board with no diapers? If so, go with that -- try to keep him out of diapers/pullups there and undies at home. That's confusing to them.

Daycare is fine with no diapers for everything except nap. She did not want to do no undies because much of her space is carpeted and commando-style doesn't catch enough of it. Poop is a whole other story. Ick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Without getting into a higher-level parenting philosophy discussion (which I now feel is unavoidable since I've opened that can of worms)....

Don't worry, my child gets lots of love, hugs, reassurance, positive language, smiles, toys, stickers, goldfish, marshmallows, bubbles, even candy, but to the best of our ability, they are not the result of good or desired behavior. If you've read or heard of Alfie Kohn/Unconditional Parenting, it's along those lines. We don't need to argue the merits of this philosophy, but it is one aspect to the way we parent.

Oh, brother.

Be careful with marshmallows at 2.5 - I am positive they are on the choking hazards list!

[Anonymous]

Living in a house with a lazy 10 y.o. who got tons of rewards for good behavior and is uninterested if there is no tangible up-side, I am beginning to wonder if OP is on to something.

[Anonymous]

Op, your potty time elmo app sounds like screen time. I would think stickers would be a better option than extra staring at the screen.

Having said that, we don't have cell phones that have apps so I just kept with old fashioned consistancy and patience and loosely kept track of kids' water intake so I could better anticipate.
We sang songs, read books, talked, etc in addition to cues. I did stickers for kid #2, but my other 2 kids were successful without stickers or other tangible rewards.

[Anonymous]

If you want to potty train without all the negotiation, you start at 18 months or so. Not sure how waiting until 2.5 factored into your philosophy, but it was dumb.

[Anonymous]

I've read Alfie Kohn, I've met Alfie Kohn. He doesn't abhor all extrinsic motivation--it's a useful tool for revving up motivation in instances where intrinsic motivation is lacking but ability or skill is not. E.g., going to the potty for potty-able kids.

I can assure you at some point your child will intrinsically value the potty. So you can wait for that moment, or not. It's up to you. But, honestly, a little "treat" or reward for going to the potty is not going to make him dependent on rewards and treats for potty-peeing and -pooping for very long.

You can do a funny potty dance instead of a treat, if you want. Or not, whatever. I can assure you that your cheerfulness, encouragement, and happiness when he demonstrates moments of potty success--an extrinsic motivation, too--is a-ok. It's not like you're a robotic treat-dispensing machine.

[Anonymous]

I think you might be applying a theory (of intrinsic motivation and behavior) more strictly and universally than even the theorists themselves would.

Which is not to say that children "need" extrinsic motivation to learn to use the potty.

But it is to say that extrinsic motivation can be helpful in the right circumstances and if handled reasonably, particularly wrt potty training. If you don't want to incorporate some extrinsic rewards, that's fine. Just wait for your child to develop intrinsic desire to eliminate on the potty. It could take awhile. Then again, it might not.

I really see this as a silly and unnecessarily extreme direction to apply a theory of motivation to parenting. I don't think that getting an m&m treat for a potty poop will interfere with developing an intrinsic value for using a toilet instead of soiling one's clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to potty train without all the negotiation, you start at 18 months or so. Not sure how waiting until 2.5 factored into your philosophy, but it was dumb.

I disagree! We waited until 3 and had no need to negotiate or bribe at all--he was ready, motivated, and interested.

[Anonymous]

Wait - you use an app ON THE TOILET but won't give him a sticker?

LOL. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to potty train without all the negotiation, you start at 18 months or so. Not sure how waiting until 2.5 factored into your philosophy, but it was dumb.

I disagree! We waited until 3 and had no need to negotiate or bribe at all--he was ready, motivated, and interested.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be applying a theory (of intrinsic motivation and behavior) more strictly and universally than even the theorists themselves would.

Which is not to say that children "need" extrinsic motivation to learn to use the potty.

But it is to say that extrinsic motivation can be helpful in the right circumstances and if handled reasonably, particularly wrt potty training. If you don't want to incorporate some extrinsic rewards, that's fine. Just wait for your child to develop intrinsic desire to eliminate on the potty. It could take awhile. Then again, it might not.

I really see this as a silly and unnecessarily extreme direction to apply a theory of motivation to parenting. I don't think that getting an m&m treat for a potty poop will interfere with developing an intrinsic value for using a toilet instead of soiling one's clothes.

+1. The zeal of the convert. And, let me ask to you to think in a more complicated way about motivation. We all are motivated by both internal and external motivation. DC was very excited about wearing underwear. By offering her the opportunity, does that count as bribing? Some may say yes, others no. I certainly thought it fell under the category of bribery--we said we would buy the underwear and let her wear it, IF she agreed to go to the potty. It was also a negotiation, an agreement, and an external factor.

You are trying to be purists artificially. If there is a reasonable "external" factor involved, why not include it as part of the training?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Without getting into a higher-level parenting philosophy discussion (which I now feel is unavoidable since I've opened that can of worms)....

Don't worry, my child gets lots of love, hugs, reassurance, positive language, smiles, toys, stickers, goldfish, marshmallows, bubbles, even candy, but to the best of our ability, they are not the result of good or desired behavior. If you've read or heard of Alfie Kohn/Unconditional Parenting, it's along those lines. We don't need to argue the merits of this philosophy, but it is one aspect to the way we parent.

Oh, brother.

What is so eye-roll-inducing here? You parent your way, we'll parent ours. I'm just looking for ideas from parents who HAVE done it this way, so if you didn't, feel free to add something constructive to another thread.

No praise for a new and difficult (for them) task well done is eye rolling inducing 100% of the time and I'm a NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to potty train without all the negotiation, you start at 18 months or so. Not sure how waiting until 2.5 factored into your philosophy, but it was dumb.

I disagree! We waited until 3 and had no need to negotiate or bribe at all--he was ready, motivated, and interested.

Gross.

[Anonymous]

You are probably going to have to wait it out. Kids that age like rewards even if they are just verbal. You either needed to start when they were too little to care or wait until thy are motivated/embarrassed by peers enough to do it alone. So basically 1.5 or 3-4.