So worn down by DH's negativity

[Anonymous]

I get tired of DH assuming people always have the worst motives. Always out to get other people. I can't live like that. There's certainly plenty of evil in the world, but I can't stand to be reminded of it all the freaking time. I'm the one depressed in the relationship; he's a weird combo of a glass-half-full guy with a shitty view of other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get tired of DH assuming people always have the worst motives. Always out to get other people. I can't live like that. There's certainly plenty of evil in the world, but I can't stand to be reminded of it all the freaking time. I'm the one depressed in the relationship; he's a weird combo of a glass-half-full guy with a shitty view of other people.

People who have shitty views of other people and the world are often shitty people themselves. My wife is one of the most negative people I know and thinks the worst of others. Things that cross her mind would never cross mine in w million years.

[Anonymous]

I think there are several reasons a person could be negative. A) They may have had a hard life in some way so they are used to seeing the glass half empty. B) They may actually be happy complaining and don't realize they are a downer. With other complainers, they feel happy talking together about negative things, or gossipping. C) They could have a job where they are supposed to notice problems, and then they troubleshoot them. It's hard to turn that off. D) They might have a J in their Myers Briggs type. They just are naturally more judgemental and slap labels on people as a way of categorizing things. E) They probably grew up with negative people and learned it from them. F) They are depressed and really can't see positives.

[Anonymous]

I *used* to be the negative one in our marriage, learned at my mother's knew. My mother and some of her sisters cane be viciously negative, back-stabbing drama-queens.

I moved far away from my family to live with DH. His positive attitude about most people and things slowly made me change my point of view!

So, people can change, OP, but only under a stronger will-power. You need to be stronger than he is! DH has a very strong personality, and managed to influence me for the better.

[Anonymous]

my mother's knee, not knew. Weird typo.

[Anonymous]

My DH is prone to this. He learned it from the attitude his mom had. He has become more aware. I gently revise his statement, so it doesn't sound like I am criticizing him, but it shows another way to say what he may be expressing. Often it requires a follow up question to the negative statement before making my passive corrective statement.

Ex:

DH: Our kid isn't smart.
ME: Why do you think our kid isn't smart?
DH: because he repeats the same mistakes over and over.
ME: Go on.
DH: Rhe other day, xyz, ...

After listening

ME:
So you are concerned about our kids development because of XYZ. That's valid. And I agree about this point you shared. Let's think of how we can address this and work together to support him.

(Wait for his defensiveness to go down)

When you said our kid isn't smart, It sounded like more of a judgement than a concern.

(then say a positive affirmation)

But you're a kind loving man, the one I fell in love with and who believes the best in his own child. I was hoping you didn't feel that negative about him!

(Show a physical affirmation)

Smile, hug, kiss, end of discussion.


Wash,Rinse, repeat.

It's tough, but it's effective. Old habits die hard. It took about 4 months of doing this daily and overlooking it without showing frustration when I couldn't.

Sometimes our partner needs us to teach them things they never learned at home in a loving way, until the understand and are motivated to teach and grow on their own.

Last, when you work and try to break that negativity down bit by bit, it usually has a source to it that is easier to identify and it helps you cope as he learns to strengthen the skill.

Positivity has more power than negativity. You really have to fight for it.

[Anonymous]

PP again. Something I didn't do right before learning above. His negativity made me very judgemental and critical. Which actually made me negative too. So it's a cycle. Stop it. It's a sneaky little weed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be honest, in addition to him becoming more negative (which he definitely has), part of the problem could be that I was depressed when we first got together, and am now happier on meds. So maybe our worldviews used to be more similar (I was never mean to others, but always assumed the worst would happen, or that other people disliked me).

So you realize that something you had in common - negativity - is now gone. It is tough, but it can be done. Marriage is for the strong at heart that know how to adapt and change and grow. Through sickness and health. This is a time for work but you will reap the benefits later and have no idea how you may be building equity doe a behavior you may need in him when you reach another season in your life. Hugs OP it's tough.

Read books that talk about the power of being positive and intentionally constructing your thoughts. Then you can learn to identify destructive thoughts and patterns and it becomes much easier to navigate emotionally as a woman.

You have a lot going on. I hope you stay encouraged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is prone to this. He learned it from the attitude his mom had. He has become more aware. I gently revise his statement, so it doesn't sound like I am criticizing him, but it shows another way to say what he may be expressing. Often it requires a follow up question to the negative statement before making my passive corrective statement.

Ex:

DH: Our kid isn't smart.
ME: Why do you think our kid isn't smart?
DH: because he repeats the same mistakes over and over.
ME: Go on.
DH: Rhe other day, xyz, ...

After listening

ME:
So you are concerned about our kids development because of XYZ. That's valid. And I agree about this point you shared. Let's think of how we can address this and work together to support him.

(Wait for his defensiveness to go down)

When you said our kid isn't smart, It sounded like more of a judgement than a concern.

(then say a positive affirmation)

But you're a kind loving man, the one I fell in love with and who believes the best in his own child. I was hoping you didn't feel that negative about him!

(Show a physical affirmation)

Smile, hug, kiss, end of discussion.


Wash,Rinse, repeat.

It's tough, but it's effective. Old habits die hard. It took about 4 months of doing this daily and overlooking it without showing frustration when I couldn't.

Sometimes our partner needs us to teach them things they never learned at home in a loving way, until the understand and are motivated to teach and grow on their own.

Last, when you work and try to break that negativity down bit by bit, it usually has a source to it that is easier to identify and it helps you cope as he learns to strengthen the skill.

Positivity has more power than negativity. You really have to fight for it.

You must have the patience of a saint. I am in awe of you right now. Your DH is lucky to have you!

[Anonymous]

[n)

Smile, hug, kiss, end of discussion.

Wash,Rinse, repeat.

It's tough, but it's effective. Old habits die hard. It took about 4 months of doing this daily and overlooking it without showing frustration when I couldn't.

Sometimes our partner needs us to teach them things they never learned at home in a loving way, until the understand and are motivated to teach and grow on their own.

Last, when you work and try to break that negativity down bit by bit, it usually has a source to it that is easier to identify and it helps you cope as he learns to strengthen the skill.

Positivity has more power than negativity. You really have to fight for it.



You must have the patience of a saint. I am in awe of you right now. Your DH is lucky to have you!

LOL! Thanks.

I had to learn to increase my patience or lose my peace, and have an attitude of grace when I made mistake, and when he made mistakes. And to step away when I couldn't so I wouldn't jeopardize my work. Trust me there were many steps backward before there were any forward on my end! He is pretty awesome too and I had to hold on to the things I knew were true about him even when I couldn't see it.

People are just people. Most of us are really only doing what we learned how to do, and most of us are really just balancing sharing love but not being afraid of vulnerability.

[Anonymous]

OP hang in there and dont let it get you down.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this, OP. I'm the one who asked how important smiles are and this is good insight to how it might be if we get married. I'm going to tell my boyfriend that he must see someone about his possible depression before we consider taking our relationship to the next level.