So worn down by DH's negativity

[Anonymous]

it just seems like he has something bad to say about everyone and everything. It is exhausting. According to him, nothing that I or anyone else suggests to do is ever fun, and only two or three people that we know are nice or worth socializing with. He even says random negative things about other kids in our child's K class (they don't seem smart etc.), though obviously never in front of them. I've brought it up many times, and he'll make a change for a few days, and then it is back to the constant negativity. I have no idea how to change this, but I really can't stand it and it just makes me want to avoid being around him as much as possible. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

My DH is like that, too. He's critical of everyone and everything. It is totally exhausting. After 14 years of this shit I don't know what else to do. I've talked to him about it until I'm blue in the face. I want to go to counseling but he's apathetic. He thinks everyone else is the problem and he doesn't need to change.

Basically, I have no advice, but you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, PP, I appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Is he depressed? Has he always been this way? Must be pretty sad to have to live inside his head.

[Anonymous]

"You know how sometimes I complain that you're too negative, and then you change for a few days? Well, you always go right back to it after a few days of changing. Your constant negativity weighs me down, and if you continue this way, I'm going to leave you. It's just so damn miserable hearing someone always say negative things about EVERYTHING. I love you and don't want a divorce. But this REALLY needs to change, permanently. Do you want a journal so you can write down all your negative thoughts to get them out of your system? Shall we go to couples therapy? What will help you change?"

[Anonymous]

Is he depressed? Has he always been this way? Must be pretty sad to have to live inside his head.

I don't know if he's depressed. He's always been sort of rigid, but the negativity has escalated over the years that we have been married.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. I wish I hadn't married my husband for this very reason. He's just not a nice person, but a negative complainer. He actually is not that way about me or our kids or people he loves -- but he's very judgmental of other people he's not close to and makes mean jokes about them, complains about the food at restaurants, the traffic, finds fault in something everywhere we go. I constantly struggle not to get sucked into his negativity and try to stick to the sunny outlook on life I have always had. But it's very hard to be around a person like that all the time and not feel down yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is he depressed? Has he always been this way? Must be pretty sad to have to live inside his head.

I don't know if he's depressed. He's always been sort of rigid, but the negativity has escalated over the years that we have been married.

It's only going to get worse. My wife is the same way. Everyone is always an idiot, she is quick to annoyance and always goes right to the worse-case scenario in every crisis, no matter how minor. She has a lot of conflicts, real or perceived, with other people -- especially other women. And, yes, I've heard her speak ill of other children too, sometimes within earshot of our children.

We've been married for 13 years. I didn't notice this at first, but it's become steadily worse over the years. She has a quick temper, is wont to storm out of a room, and she gaslights -- you're the sensitive one if you call her out on her behavior. She's also a micromanager -- she not only wants to tell you what to do but how to do it.

I mention these other characteristics just in case they match your own -- not to rag on my wife.

I will be honest that I tune it out a lot. I sit there and pretend to listen. I never argue with it or engage anymore. Instead, I've tried to focus on trying to remain positive in outlook, especially with the children, so they do not end up like her.

And, yes, it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is he depressed? Has he always been this way? Must be pretty sad to have to live inside his head.

I don't know if he's depressed. He's always been sort of rigid, but the negativity has escalated over the years that we have been married.

It's only going to get worse. My wife is the same way. Everyone is always an idiot, she is quick to annoyance and always goes right to the worse-case scenario in every crisis, no matter how minor. She has a lot of conflicts, real or perceived, with other people -- especially other women. And, yes, I've heard her speak ill of other children too, sometimes within earshot of our children.

We've been married for 13 years. I didn't notice this at first, but it's become steadily worse over the years. She has a quick temper, is wont to storm out of a room, and she gaslights -- you're the sensitive one if you call her out on her behavior. She's also a micromanager -- she not only wants to tell you what to do but how to do it.

I mention these other characteristics just in case they match your own -- not to rag on my wife.

I will be honest that I tune it out a lot. I sit there and pretend to listen. I never argue with it or engage anymore. Instead, I've tried to focus on trying to remain positive in outlook, especially with the children, so they do not end up like her.

And, yes, it's exhausting.

You just described my mother perfectly. Agreed, it's only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the negative one in my marriage. Would you like some insight as to the causes? For me, at least, it was a combination of being anxious, unhappy and tired. Oh, so tired. I didn't know how to effectively articulate my feelings and my needs.

My husband didn't know what was going on with me, at all. I taught myself to say things like, "I cannot stay up with you until 11 and then get up with the kids at 6 am. That's not enough sleep for me. Is it okay if you get up with the kids every other morning so I can sleep later? Also I am going to go to bed earlier than you do some nights, even if it means less couple time."

I stopped waiting for permission to pay for the house to be cleaned by someone else, for the groceries to be delivered. I told DH what he needed to do around the house. I started taking time off work for down time, and not to get caught up on house work.

I'm so much happier, and when I complain now it's a specific, directed complaint.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To be honest, in addition to him becoming more negative (which he definitely has), part of the problem could be that I was depressed when we first got together, and am now happier on meds. So maybe our worldviews used to be more similar (I was never mean to others, but always assumed the worst would happen, or that other people disliked me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"You know how sometimes I complain that you're too negative, and then you change for a few days? Well, you always go right back to it after a few days of changing. Your constant negativity weighs me down, and if you continue this way, I'm going to leave you. It's just so damn miserable hearing someone always say negative things about EVERYTHING. I love you and don't want a divorce. But this REALLY needs to change, permanently. Do you want a journal so you can write down all your negative thoughts to get them out of your system? Shall we go to couples therapy? What will help you change?"

Love this.

My mother is like this (so are Dad and a sibling, to varying degrees), and so naturally, I went out an married someone like this too. Thankfully no children. Yes, we are divorced...and I really wish I'd done it much, much sooner. Ex-dw was like this in large part due to depression and insecurity. Arguing about it was pointless. After years and years, I figured, ok, nevermind, I give up, and I stopped trying. Of course, I also started planning my departure. When I left, she seemed genuinely shocked and suddenly serious about making some earnest changes.

I don't like/believe in ultimatums and brinksmanship; I think they're disrespectful and not generally negotiating in good faith. However, I would say, if you really do see that you cannot continue like this but you are not yet at the give up and don't give a shit point (where I was) then I do think it matters. I often wonder if I'd actually made it clear to my wife - not a threat, but an honest statement about myself and what I could and couldn't do - if we might've addressed some of these issues.

...all that said...

I think you should just start now ignoring it/tuning it out. Do not engage or take it seriously. Blow him off...if he is being a debbie downer/negative nellie, just be happy - be as you would be if he weren't around and just ignore it. A lot of these people are looking for validation. He may be depressed, he may need therapy, whatever. That's all his problem, not yours. Stop owning it. Disconnect. He'll get the message...and either change, or not, and then you know what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a loser who will make your life hell if you stay with him, let alone have kids with him. DTMF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm the negative one in my marriage. Would you like some insight as to the causes? For me, at least, it was a combination of being anxious, unhappy and tired. Oh, so tired. I didn't know how to effectively articulate my feelings and my needs.

My husband didn't know what was going on with me, at all. I taught myself to say things like, "I cannot stay up with you until 11 and then get up with the kids at 6 am. That's not enough sleep for me. Is it okay if you get up with the kids every other morning so I can sleep later? Also I am going to go to bed earlier than you do some nights, even if it means less couple time."

I stopped waiting for permission to pay for the house to be cleaned by someone else, for the groceries to be delivered. I told DH what he needed to do around the house. I started taking time off work for down time, and not to get caught up on house work.

I'm so much happier, and when I complain now it's a specific, directed complaint.

Thanks for posting this. I've steadily become more negative and critical about other people (not my husband) and this has given me some ideas on how to change.

[Anonymous]

Bumping this to see if you ever found a resolution OP.