MIL gives us crap, gives SIL heirlooms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she figures her daughter will treasure the family heirlooms more than her son.

OP here. I agree with your statement, but it is obvious that is not the case. MIL favors her daughter (one more than the other), but the family has always been abusive to this son. He has done well because of (in spite of?) their abuse. Any favoritism has backfired (enabled the daughter/SIL), and so has any abuse (propelled this son). I suppose MIL does not see what effect she has. DH is afraid to approach them, due to abuse issues. Obviously, I would like to help him. MIL has other issues, so I do not interact with her too much.

Way to bury the lede.

Yes, I think we're done here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she figures her daughter will treasure the family heirlooms more than her son.

OP here. I agree with your statement, but it is obvious that is not the case. MIL favors her daughter (one more than the other), but the family has always been abusive to this son. He has done well because of (in spite of?) their abuse. Any favoritism has backfired (enabled the daughter/SIL), and so has any abuse (propelled this son). I suppose MIL does not see what effect she has. DH is afraid to approach them, due to abuse issues. Obviously, I would like to help him. MIL has other issues, so I do not interact with her too much.

Given this background, I would encourage your DH to reframe this whole issue. Your MIL's pattern of giving your DH crap and your SIL heirlooms is simply a continuation of the abuse, and will not change. Any attempt to raise this with your MIL is likely to just heighten the abuse, because abusers really hate being called out on it. While I can understand how hurtful it is to not be able to share in treasured heirlooms, hopefully in time your DH can come to see the bigger picture, that in the end he is the winner in this, because he is the one who has become strong and successful as a result of the abusive dynamic, whereas his sister has become stunted.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, given your follow up post, I think you should let this go and say good riddance.
Originally, I was going to say that I know sometimes mothers feel like daughters are more likely to keep it in the family. My mom had bad experiences with daughter in laws who divorced and took family heirloom with them (and I know other families that had the same problem, including someone who can't get back her grandmother's jewelry from her ex-stepmom).
If there are specific things that your husband or kids would want, they should say something to MIL -- like "I always loved grandpa's watch collection. I would really love to have one as a memory of grandpa." If your kids have a good relationship, they can ask directly. But once you say that the relationship is/was abusive, I say let it all go. It won't bring happy memories anyway.

Thanks for your kind post! There is part of me that wants DH to let it go, but he really wants a medal or two or significance from his father. He knows his father would be extremely proud of him, and would want him to have it. All MIL has ever given him is crap, literally and figuratively. I think he is afraid if he comes out and asks for the item (of no monetary significance, BTW), she would delight in saying that she has given it to (BIL); citing some arbitrary, illogical reason of hers. I can see DH's point, that logically, one or two should go to DH. (The other brothers are not married, and have no kids, nor will they be, if this matters). MIL is very passive aggressive and biting, and delights in being mean and nasty, quite simply (hence my distance).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, given your follow up post, I think you should let this go and say good riddance.
Originally, I was going to say that I know sometimes mothers feel like daughters are more likely to keep it in the family. My mom had bad experiences with daughter in laws who divorced and took family heirloom with them (and I know other families that had the same problem, including someone who can't get back her grandmother's jewelry from her ex-stepmom).
If there are specific things that your husband or kids would want, they should say something to MIL -- like "I always loved grandpa's watch collection. I would really love to have one as a memory of grandpa." If your kids have a good relationship, they can ask directly. But once you say that the relationship is/was abusive, I say let it all go. It won't bring happy memories anyway.

OP I agree with bringing it up. DH is very hesitant to ask his parents for anything. He is in the military and always dreamed about hanging his grandpa's WWII uniform on his office wall. He was ready to cry when his mom donated it because "no one wanted it." Even after that, he still can't bring up stuff, so I do. When they ask what DH wants for Christmas/birthday, I tell them how he wants his grandpa's medals of honor and such.

It's just a different relationship than in my family. My sister and I openly talk about what's going to be ours when our parents are gone and what has the most meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she figures her daughter will treasure the family heirlooms more than her son.

OP here. I agree with your statement, but it is obvious that is not the case. MIL favors her daughter (one more than the other), but the family has always been abusive to this son. He has done well because of (in spite of?) their abuse. Any favoritism has backfired (enabled the daughter/SIL), and so has any abuse (propelled this son). I suppose MIL does not see what effect she has. DH is afraid to approach them, due to abuse issues. Obviously, I would like to help him. MIL has other issues, so I do not interact with her too much.

Given this background, I would encourage your DH to reframe this whole issue. Your MIL's pattern of giving your DH crap and your SIL heirlooms is simply a continuation of the abuse, and will not change. Any attempt to raise this with your MIL is likely to just heighten the abuse, because abusers really hate being called out on it. While I can understand how hurtful it is to not be able to share in treasured heirlooms, hopefully in time your DH can come to see the bigger picture, that in the end he is the winner in this, because he is the one who has become strong and successful as a result of the abusive dynamic, whereas his sister has become stunted.

OP here. ITA, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, given your follow up post, I think you should let this go and say good riddance.
Originally, I was going to say that I know sometimes mothers feel like daughters are more likely to keep it in the family. My mom had bad experiences with daughter in laws who divorced and took family heirloom with them (and I know other families that had the same problem, including someone who can't get back her grandmother's jewelry from her ex-stepmom).
If there are specific things that your husband or kids would want, they should say something to MIL -- like "I always loved grandpa's watch collection. I would really love to have one as a memory of grandpa." If your kids have a good relationship, they can ask directly. But once you say that the relationship is/was abusive, I say let it all go. It won't bring happy memories anyway.

OP I agree with bringing it up. DH is very hesitant to ask his parents for anything. He is in the military and always dreamed about hanging his grandpa's WWII uniform on his office wall. He was ready to cry when his mom donated it because "no one wanted it." Even after that, he still can't bring up stuff, so I do. When they ask what DH wants for Christmas/birthday, I tell them how he wants his grandpa's medals of honor and such.

It's just a different relationship than in my family. My sister and I openly talk about what's going to be ours when our parents are gone and what has the most meaning.

Brilliant!

[Anonymous]

MIL knows exactly what she is doing. By showing overt favoritism to her daughter, she gets to inflict continuous rejection on her son. Disengage. Your husband has fought his way out of that trap by being successful and having a supportive wife. That is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, given your follow up post, I think you should let this go and say good riddance.
Originally, I was going to say that I know sometimes mothers feel like daughters are more likely to keep it in the family. My mom had bad experiences with daughter in laws who divorced and took family heirloom with them (and I know other families that had the same problem, including someone who can't get back her grandmother's jewelry from her ex-stepmom).
If there are specific things that your husband or kids would want, they should say something to MIL -- like "I always loved grandpa's watch collection. I would really love to have one as a memory of grandpa." If your kids have a good relationship, they can ask directly. But once you say that the relationship is/was abusive, I say let it all go. It won't bring happy memories anyway.

OP I agree with bringing it up. DH is very hesitant to ask his parents for anything. He is in the military and always dreamed about hanging his grandpa's WWII uniform on his office wall. He was ready to cry when his mom donated it because "no one wanted it." Even after that, he still can't bring up stuff, so I do. When they ask what DH wants for Christmas/birthday, I tell them how he wants his grandpa's medals of honor and such.

It's just a different relationship than in my family. My sister and I openly talk about what's going to be ours when our parents are gone and what has the most meaning.

Brilliant!

This is pp. Their response was it wouldn't be a "real present" (they're kind people, I'm not knocking my in laws). But they wrapped it up and put these things under the tree. DH was in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
MIL knows exactly what she is doing. By showing overt favoritism to her daughter, she gets to inflict continuous rejection on her son. Disengage. Your husband has fought his way out of that trap by being successful and having a supportive wife. That is plenty.

+1

[Anonymous]

can you talk to the other daughter? ask her if she can part with some of the items or if there are some she will let him at least hold onto for a bit?

the MIL may be crazy, but her daughter might be more reasonable? can you go around the MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is DH's issue not yours.

+1

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't DH talk to his sister or BIL, especially if he has a good relationship with BIL? Maybe neither of them care for the medals and they would gladly give him something, especially if it doesn't get back to MIL that your DH now has some of his father's medals.

Otherwise, you (and DH) just have to let it go, sadly.

[Anonymous]

I second the idea of going ot the sibiling and asking if they would split the medals. If they are resistant, I think I would even nicely offer to buy it off them or trade it for something non-sentimental that they might want more (like an ipad or something). I totally get that even though his mom was horrible, he wants something to remember his dad by.
I know someone in this situation that just went to the house when his mother was out and took a few sentimental things that were his father's. Of course, you need a key for that, and to know where the items are kept. Maybe next time you're there, you could distract MIL by getting her going on a good rant, while your husband goes to rummage in the basement.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should just ask his sister for the things he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think about this? Honestly, I think that you need to stay out of it and let your husband handle his family.

+1
And also just say thanks and give away or throw away accordingly.