I feel guilty when DH is rude to his mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree OP needs to run off to therapy because she feels badly about a family situation.

The husband behaved like a brat, but it may be part of a long-running drama between the two.

I don't see the problem with going on this vacation with MIL. It's not like you are committing to do this every year, right? Sounds like she wants some time with her family. I would suck it up and go this time. If you all behave, you will earn points. ?

You don't see a problem with the MiL committing OP and her husband's money and time to something they'd already expressed reservations about?

Perhaps you're the one who needs therapy.

For Chronic DCUM Doormat Syndrome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have booked without talking to you first.

He shouldn't have fired off like that, especially if she's generally a nice woman and respects boundaries.

Both need to talk to each other.

We have a winner here, OP. They need to talk.

This is their relationship, not yours. But I totally get your feelings of being embarrassed by his response. He didnt' act like an adult. Do you on some level worry that MIL is going to believe that while he tossed off the idiotic reply, you are actually the one prompting him to say no? Anything in your own dynamic with her where she might blame you (or you might just fear she'll blame you, even if she does not) for his jackassery?

One other thing. Though this is about him and her (and clearly there is some bad history between them as you note in a follow-up post), why can't you tell your DH straight out, "The reply you sent your mom was rude, and frankly I"m embarrassed by how rude you were. I know you and she have issues, but she has done some good things for our family, and generally respects boundaries. Yes, she should not have booked without consulting us, I agree. But your reply was rude. I'm not defending her actions, but I also can't defend yours in my own mind. It upsets me."

A wife should be able to call out her husband when he's out of line (and vice versa) and not have it blow up. If you feel things would blow up between you and him if you frankly say he embarrassed you and that YOU are hurt by his rudeness -- then you and he might have larger communication issues than this one incident....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may see this as a rude reaction. On the other hand, he may have seen his mother emailing a picture of a vacation home as a passive aggressive controlling guilt tripping "code" experience from her that triggered a massive wave of anger and panic.

I find this a lot in my relationship with my mother and especially here on DCUM. Those who have not grown up with controlling parents will look at a situation -- grandma prepares a nursery in her home for the new baby -- and respond "How sweet OP, can't you just thank her?" and OP is panicking and angry. Those of us who grew up with controlling/borderline/passive aggressive parents know what these experiences are like and the feelings they trigger.

It's not your place to feel guilty when your husband is rude to his mom, or even to perceive this situation as your husband being in the wrong. You need to look at this "scene" as part of a lifelong drama. Step back, OP.

+100 He and his mom have a history which has nothing to do with you. She sneakily booked the rental and he passive aggressively tried to make her feel bad for booking it, maybe because of you not wanting to go. This makes you out to be the bad guy which makes you feel guilty. Don't mistake this as your problem. Neither one of them can communicate openly and honestly with each other apparently. Go if it would make you feel better, but it doesn't sound like he particularly wants to go either. It's up to him to see his mother or not. That's her tough luck if she presumed you guys would go not taking into account your situation. Sometimes it's better to communicate directly with the MIL because letting your DH do the communicating seemed to backfire onto you.