I feel guilty when DH is rude to his mom

[Anonymous]

My ILs are planning a group vacation (DH's siblings and their kids), for which ILs are paying. DH and I are not really interested in a long drive with our two-year-old to a un-babyproofed vacation rental, but we're trying to balance the time we spend with his family and mine so we'd just said we'd discuss it. The next day MIL forwarded the lovely and rather expensive vacation home she'd just booked. DH replied very rudely, to the effect of "sorry you're paying for our empty room." MIL has not replied and I'm certain her feelings are hurt.

I had previously opposed our going -- DH had been more in favor -- but his rudeness makes me feel like we should go on the vacation in order to keep the peace. We also owe her BIG TIME for all the wonderful things she does for our family, including child care, so I'm embarrassed by his tone.

On the other hand, I genuinely would not have gone before this interaction. We can make it work, but it will create added stress at home and at the office.

Advice?

[Anonymous]

DH doesn't want to go. Don't go.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe everything has to be equal, at ALL. So if it wouldn't be a relaxing vacation for you, then don't go. Vacations are supposed to be relaxing.

Your DH is an adult and responsible for his own behavior. Do not feel guilty. Feel sorry for her and sorry for yourself, because if he's not already he will wind up talking to you the way he is talking to his mother.

[Anonymous]

No need to be a jackass about it. What a jerk =( Is he rude to her (or you?) often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No need to be a jackass about it. What a jerk =( Is he rude to her (or you?) often?

No, he never speaks to me like that. He is usually kind to her but this is not the first time I've seen him lash out with something rude or at least tone-deaf, and they had a period some years ago when they did not speak. She has her own issues with pushing at the exact wrong time -- things that aren't wrong or over the line in the abstract, but just really poorly timed, which this was. DH was still wrong, though.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing your MIL just sent it so you could see the place but your DH took it as 'here is where you are staying!'? I think some parents book and just hope that the kids will show up. I get where they are coming from but it sets up a guilt trip that whether intentional or not isn't always fun to deal with.

I would let it cool off for a little bit and then decide. I think if you go just because you feel badly about this exchange you will be resentful which won't be fun for anyone.

I would also re-evaluate the balance of time between families. It is a losing battle.

[Anonymous]

OP, stop managing everyone else's feelings and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop managing everyone else's feelings and relationships.

I want to stop! How do I stop? Serious question, this is a problem for me.

Thanks all for the advice / opportunity to vent. I will let it lie for a while, as PP suggests.

[Anonymous]

You may see this as a rude reaction. On the other hand, he may have seen his mother emailing a picture of a vacation home as a passive aggressive controlling guilt tripping "code" experience from her that triggered a massive wave of anger and panic.

I find this a lot in my relationship with my mother and especially here on DCUM. Those who have not grown up with controlling parents will look at a situation -- grandma prepares a nursery in her home for the new baby -- and respond "How sweet OP, can't you just thank her?" and OP is panicking and angry. Those of us who grew up with controlling/borderline/passive aggressive parents know what these experiences are like and the feelings they trigger.

It's not your place to feel guilty when your husband is rude to his mom, or even to perceive this situation as your husband being in the wrong. You need to look at this "scene" as part of a lifelong drama. Step back, OP.

[Anonymous]

God, no! You didn't want to go and DH said no! You are done here. Sure, he was a bit rude, but your MIL was a bit presumptuous to book a place without knowing if you would come and just expecting you to say yes. There is already tension and conflict.

Keep the peace in your own house by using your vacation time for something you and DH will enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop managing everyone else's feelings and relationships.

I want to stop! How do I stop? Serious question, this is a problem for me.

Thanks all for the advice / opportunity to vent. I will let it lie for a while, as PP suggests.

Therapt is a place to start.

There are also books like "when I say no, I feel guilty" or "boundaries."

[Anonymous]

Your MIL ran roughshod over you guys by booking a vacation for you after you'd already told her you needed to discuss it. That was very calculated on her part, the try to make you feel like you couldn't say no since she'd already put down the money.

Your husband responded in a very emotionally healthy way by refusing to be manipulated like that, and heading off any guilt trips about how she's now going to be stuck paying for an extra room she can't afford by making it clear that booking the room without your consent was her choice, and hers alone. Based solely on the fact that she booked the space for you while knowing you were undecided, I can tell you quite definitively that any response from your husband that was more subtle or "polite" would have led to her arguing the point and trying to guilt-trip you further.

I would strongly recommend you try some therapy to get more comfortable with healthy boundaries and how to assert them.

[Anonymous]

She shouldn't have booked without talking to you first.

He shouldn't have fired off like that, especially if she's generally a nice woman and respects boundaries.

Both need to talk to each other.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree OP needs to run off to therapy because she feels badly about a family situation.

The husband behaved like a brat, but it may be part of a long-running drama between the two.

I don't see the problem with going on this vacation with MIL. It's not like you are committing to do this every year, right? Sounds like she wants some time with her family. I would suck it up and go this time. If you all behave, you will earn points. ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree OP needs to run off to therapy because she feels badly about a family situation.

The husband behaved like a brat, but it may be part of a long-running drama between the two.

I don't see the problem with going on this vacation with MIL. It's not like you are committing to do this every year, right? Sounds like she wants some time with her family. I would suck it up and go this time. If you all behave, you will earn points. ?

You don't see a problem with the MiL committing OP and her husband's money and time to something they'd already expressed reservations about?

Perhaps you're the one who needs therapy.