Feel like I can't divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what? Divorce isn't actually that hard. I am not going to sugar-coat it, it does suck -- but it isn't something to be so afraid of. You don't have to tear your kids away from one another, you can share custody and let them have quality time with each of you.

I can tell you that your divorce will likely be slightly easier than most. You and your DH have no passion for one another. Passion is what creates the most animosity in a divorce.

Your kids will be able to thrive in another school. It's not the end of the world.

You sound very afraid of life and of the changes that it can bring? Kids don't magically cope with divorce better when they are out of high school. If you wait until they are out of the house, they will be away from both of you when you split. They can't see how you are coping. They won't know whether you are okay.

So they should divorce without making any effort whatsoever to save their marriage?

[Anonymous]

A lot of people here feel like divorce is not possible because of kids and money. You can make significant changes in your relationship on your own. Stop arguing right now, just stop. Don't take the bait. Don't discuss things that don't need to be discussed because a contrarian dh will use these as things to fight over. Do you really need to discuss which camps you're signing the kids up for if you sign them up every summer? Just do it, don't discuss. Do fun things with the kids on your own unless he insists on coming along. Do nice things for yourself. Develop your own interests/hobbies. Stay in shape. Buy and cook healthy food. Eventually, dh may come around and be a nicer person to live with. Even so, he'll never be the person you want him to be. It's a damn lonely way to live, but if you're doing it for the kids, do the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Get the gotttman book about steps to healthy marriage. He talks about finding ways to rediscover the friendship that was your early relationship. Even in small ways. I can relate to what you're saying. For me it's up and down but there are more ups lately. Try to get alone time or a vacation away to regain some connection. Try to see the good. Like in him as a dad since your kids are fond of him. When you disagree think of the big picture and pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Divorce isn't actually that hard. I am not going to sugar-coat it, it does suck -- but it isn't something to be so afraid of. You don't have to tear your kids away from one another, you can share custody and let them have quality time with each of you.

I'm glad that you feel that your divorce was not that hard. Mine was. I hated having to take DS out of his school, it was very hard for him to make friends at his new school, and we can't afford many of the opportunities for DS (lessons, camps etc.) that we used to when we were combining our incomes to support one household.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you just need to separate for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Divorce isn't actually that hard. I am not going to sugar-coat it, it does suck -- but it isn't something to be so afraid of. You don't have to tear your kids away from one another, you can share custody and let them have quality time with each of you.

I'm glad that you feel that your divorce was not that hard. Mine was. I hated having to take DS out of his school, it was very hard for him to make friends at his new school, and we can't afford many of the opportunities for DS (lessons, camps etc.) that we used to when we were combining our incomes to support one household.

It depends on the circumstances of the divorce, of course. But living a life of misery because you are afraid that you won't be able to live in the same neighborhood and send your kids to the same school is a bit daft. If it's not that bad, then you don't divorce. I am simply saying that if you are truly miserable, there is an option. Sure, you will be choosing to live a different life and finances won't be as easy, but I accept that over being miserable and unhappy. I can live a perfectly functional, great life with less money (in my case a whole lot less money). But that's why it's an individual decision. I chose to divorce, so maybe it seemed easier to me.

[Anonymous]

It seems as if you have communication issues which could be resolved.
If you are not ready for counseling yet, read up on positive and constructive communication (get books from your library).

This is how I stayed married. DH did not want to go to counseling. I learned how to argue dispassionately and stick to my bullet points without going into insults or hurtful generalizations. Controlling one's emotions is very important because it allows you to think clearly and directly counter all the other person's arguments with respect. DH took two years to retrain his attitude - it was hard, but we have saved so much of our lives by not divorcing. We do have a lot of affection for each other, despite being very dissimilar.

[Anonymous]

But staying in a bad marriage is hurting your kids. They are learning what a 'normal' marriage relationship is. So they are being wired that 'love is' fighting or arguments or disinterest or whatever you are modeling.

So let's say there is just a lot of tension between you and DH. When your kids get older, they will meet a great person, but not feel "love" for them because there isn't any tension. They will break up with them and find a person that mirrors what you taught them. They will only feel romantic love with someone that they have tension with.

How would you feel in 20-25 years to see your kids in the same marriage you are in now?

Either go to therapy (with or without him), read a John Gottman book or see if you can go to a Gottman Institute weekend retreat or pull the trigger and get a divorce.

Every person I know that went through a divorce says that going through it was hell, but life on the other side was 1000 times better. You just dont realize how much energy you are wasting with that daily stress.

[Anonymous]

No matter how much you think you cannot, believe that you CAN.

Yes, divorce is tough, no bones about it. But living the life you are leading now OP is much tougher. And you are doing your children no favors by raising them in a home where both parents cannot show a good model for how a healthy marriage should look like.

Unfortunately they are going to grow up thinking this is how normal marriages are. And so when they get older, they will think this way of living is perfectly an acceptable way to live and not blink an eye when things get this miserable.

Can you really live with yourself knowing that you didn't put an end to this vicious cycle when you still had the chance??

I say show your kids what a strong and independent woman you are. Advocate for yourself as well as for them. Advocate for happiness for everyone in the family.

You all will get through it together. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Unless you make a move toward it, you will forever live in pure darkness. Step forward toward that light, let it illuminate you at the very least as you ponder the what can you do and how can you do it, etc.

Let the light guide you in making the right decisions for your family.

It will be there waiting for you and so will the darkness.
You have two options.

I know what I would choose.

[Anonymous]

If you have time to argue so much, you have time to go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

I thought someone posted here:

"The only way to see the light at the end of the tunnel is to go through the tunnel."

It sounds silly, but it helped me see the point of choosing a difficult path. In my case, it was divorce from a highly intelligent, charming, lying ASPD DH - which is one of the worst. For you, your path may be staying in an unfulfilling marriage, or not. I don't know.

FWIW, Someone here also recommended a book called "splitting" which doesn't apply to you but if any one else here is trying to leave a BPD or NPD person, I found it very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have time to argue so much, you have time to go to counseling.

+1
Your kids deserve better than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It seems as if you have communication issues which could be resolved.
If you are not ready for counseling yet, read up on positive and constructive communication (get books from your library).

This is how I stayed married. DH did not want to go to counseling. I learned how to argue dispassionately and stick to my bullet points without going into insults or hurtful generalizations. Controlling one's emotions is very important because it allows you to think clearly and directly counter all the other person's arguments with respect. DH took two years to retrain his attitude - it was hard, but we have saved so much of our lives by not divorcing. We do have a lot of affection for each other, despite being very dissimilar.

This is great advice and I would add that it is not easy to switch to dispassionate discussions by there is a way to jumpstart it: instead of responding to provocation with a statement of your own, ask a question to clarify what he's saying. Keep asking things that help you fully understand him. It might take a few questions before he calms down but if you're sincere he WILL calm down and the voila, you'll be discussing, not arguing.

[Anonymous]

Feeling the same way. Except there was an incident of cheating last year.

I am at my breaking point today. I realized I live my life walking on eggshells to a critical, selfish narcissistic aasshole.

The phantom family man. Yet- all that goes out the window if something better comes along.

Immature, mid-life crisis. I am ready for a grown-up. I have a constant pit in my stomach whenever he's home.

But boy can he keep up appearances outside the house. Real f-ing gem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feeling the same way. Except there was an incident of cheating last year.

I am at my breaking point today. I realized I live my life walking on eggshells to a critical, selfish narcissistic aasshole.

The phantom family man. Yet- all that goes out the window if something better comes along.

Immature, mid-life crisis. I am ready for a grown-up. I have a constant pit in my stomach whenever he's home.

But boy can he keep up appearances outside the house. Real f-ing gem.

Sick. I know how hard it is. Be strong, be well, you will know when your ready.