Feel like I can't divorce

[Anonymous]

We argue all of the time and never have any fun. I hope he works late because the house is so much more pleasant without him around. I'm sure he feels the same about me. No one cheats, drinks or hits but we don't even like each other much anymore. Divorce seems so difficult and would tear the children apart. They love us both very much and we try to shield them from the arguments but they are getting older and pick up on the tension. Sometimes I think about how are lives will be when they go to college and we can go our separate ways. I'm sad right now and really only venting. No, we haven't gone to counseling because we don't have time. It's an excuse. We rarely go out and don't want to anymore. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We argue all of the time and never have any fun. I hope he works late because the house is so much more pleasant without him around. I'm sure he feels the same about me. No one cheats, drinks or hits but we don't even like each other much anymore. Divorce seems so difficult and would tear the children apart. They love us both very much and we try to shield them from the arguments but they are getting older and pick up on the tension. Sometimes I think about how are lives will be when they go to college and we can go our separate ways. I'm sad right now and really only venting. No, we haven't gone to counseling because we don't have time. It's an excuse. We rarely go out and don't want to anymore. Thanks for listening.

So you're writing my biography?

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry and wish you the best. I think something has to be more wrong than that to warrant divorce though. Divorce is tremendously hard. Could you take a trip alone together?
-divorced from a chronic cheater/lazy spendthrift who also crappy in the way you describe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry and wish you the best. I think something has to be more wrong than that to warrant divorce though. Divorce is tremendously hard. Could you take a trip alone together?
-divorced from a chronic cheater/lazy spendthrift who also crappy in the way you describe

What more wrong should there be? Life is way too short to stay in an unhappy marriage. Once the kids become adults, which they will spend the majority of heir lives being, they will understand better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know divorce is incredibly hard and worse than we could ever imagine. That's why we are still here. This isn't great but I don't want to tear the family apart and have the children bounce between two houses. And it's expensive. I wouldn't be able to afford this neighborhood so it would also be switching them out of school. I am sorry others are going through something similar but take comfort that I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies, OP. A lot of people will tell you to get divorced, but I understand what you are saying. Sometimes the difficulties of divorce are just not as appealing as the status quo. It really is just trading one set of problems for another, so there's nothing wrong with staying together if that's what you prefer.

[Anonymous]

So what are you doing to change things? What is your spouse doing to change things?

[Anonymous]

You have far more control over yourself and your relationship than you want to believe. Arguments are attempts to resolve conflict. Figure out what the source conflicts are and address them directly without anger. Truly question yourself on what part you play in escalating and perpetuating the turmoil. Work together first to save your marriage because divorce will still be an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really sorry and wish you the best. I think something has to be more wrong than that to warrant divorce though. Divorce is tremendously hard. Could you take a trip alone together?
-divorced from a chronic cheater/lazy spendthrift who also crappy in the way you describe

Male or female?

[Anonymous]

I was in your place for a few years until I found out about his cheating and lying. Even then, it still took me a couple of years of keeping up the facade of a marriage before I was able to pull the plug, because of the kids. Eventually, I got to the point where I was so miserable that I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be. At that point I knew that keeping it up "for the kids" was counterproductive.

After a few months on my own, I often feel very lonely and have had some very emotionally rough times. But being lonely in a dead marriage for years was a special kind of awful. At least now I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can see some hope of moving forward and things getting better eventually.

We did couples counseling before I knew of the cheating and it helped some. Without the infidelity, the marriage may have survived in somewhat decent shape for longer. You may want to consider counseling and making efforts to get closer again. It might work if there is no irremediable issue like infidelity, abuse, substance abuse.

Good luck. It's a hard place to be.

[Anonymous]

First, I'd think twice about whether divorce will be easier on your kids if you wait until they're in college. That's still a pretty emotionally complicated time for kids, and separating, changing up their home, and everything else can be a big deal for them, creating anxiety about what else is going to change as soon as they leave the house. There's never a good time to divorce relative to the emotional impact on your kids, so I wouldn't assume that waiting is better.

Second, when it comes to the financial side of it, if you decide to wait until the kids are in college to divorce, I hope you've adjusted your retirement planning to account for needing two wholly separate retirements down the road. That's a piece a lot of people don't think about until they divorce when they expect to be about ten years from retirement and suddenly realize that what would have been sufficient for two people retiring together isn't nearly enough for two people retiring separately.

[Anonymous]

Oh please OP, and just stop with the "we don't have time for counseling" excuse. It's a hell of lot cheaper than divorce and more importantly, your kids deserve to live in a home where both parents are at least doing everything they can to make their relationship work.

You get one shot at this life. Why would waste it just sitting there making excuses?

[Anonymous]

I was in your same situation and still sort of am. I realize that my marriage is probably not ever going to be good, but have put a lot of effort into finding ways to make it more tolerable. And it has become more tolerable. We try to go out with other couples at least once a month, and by ourselves (usually a movie) once a month. We just have VERY different approaches on the house, childrearing issues etc. Just getting out to do something sort of fun regularly has made us both a bit more compromising about our many, many areas of disagreement.

[Anonymous]

You know what? Divorce isn't actually that hard. I am not going to sugar-coat it, it does suck -- but it isn't something to be so afraid of. You don't have to tear your kids away from one another, you can share custody and let them have quality time with each of you.

I can tell you that your divorce will likely be slightly easier than most. You and your DH have no passion for one another. Passion is what creates the most animosity in a divorce.

Your kids will be able to thrive in another school. It's not the end of the world.

You sound very afraid of life and of the changes that it can bring? Kids don't magically cope with divorce better when they are out of high school. If you wait until they are out of the house, they will be away from both of you when you split. They can't see how you are coping. They won't know whether you are okay.

[Anonymous]

At the very least, get into individual counseling. You are half of this equation. Figure out what your part in this is. Work on being a better spouse, better parent, a better YOU.