Do you know any married couples w/ children who live apart?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this for a while because my wife refuses to move out of a Rust Belt hellhole with little opportunity because she is attached to her mother. Will do this again once youngest leaves for college. As you can tell, not planning to stay in this marriage. In 15 months comes the big payback.

Throwing you my support. DW refused to move for opportunities when we were young. Now as we have aged and our opportunities are less, she says where are all the opportunities. Honey, I told you that we should move to a part of the country with organic growth, preferably with a lower cost of living. You refused to discuss because of your (controlling) mother. Now that we made our bed we have to do the best we can. Then I get told I never took her to visit, etc. Outright refused fantastic opportunities and refuses to admit she should have stood up to her Mother. And this is from a women who doesn't want to work. After 20 plus years I don't have alot if sympathy.

+1. There are probably times where a spouse should just say I'm taking the offer and if you don't like it, too bad!

[Anonymous]

Separations can be good for a marriage. A chance to break out of not so positive cycles. Regain sense of self. Appreciate each other more. connect on short visits. Less is more.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend whose husband lives in their guest house on their property and she and kids live in main house. Weird yes but it works for them. They were on the brink of separating and decided to try this arrangement and its worked for them, go figure!

[Anonymous]

I grew up with this. My dad worked in another state and came home every other weekend. It was a bit rough on my mom, but they were doing it to keep us in good schools and so he could support the family. The did it for like 10 years though, and moving back in together was tough. They both had a lot of independence, different friends, etc.

My recommendation would be to keep it temporary and set an end date. Don't make it the new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this for a while because my wife refuses to move out of a Rust Belt hellhole with little opportunity because she is attached to her mother. Will do this again once youngest leaves for college. As you can tell, not planning to stay in this marriage. In 15 months comes the big payback.

Throwing you my support. DW refused to move for opportunities when we were young. Now as we have aged and our opportunities are less, she says where are all the opportunities. Honey, I told you that we should move to a part of the country with organic growth, preferably with a lower cost of living. You refused to discuss because of your (controlling) mother. Now that we made our bed we have to do the best we can. Then I get told I never took her to visit, etc. Outright refused fantastic opportunities and refuses to admit she should have stood up to her Mother. And this is from a women who doesn't want to work. After 20 plus years I don't have alot if sympathy.

+1. There are probably times where a spouse should just say I'm taking the offer and if you don't like it, too bad![/quote

PP here. Ironically at the time I knew a bunch of folks that I worked with that did just that and divorced. I remember thinking that they were being very shallow. I realize now that they knew that if their spouse did not support them in going after what really were dome neat opportunities that their spouse really wasn't being s very good spouse. So, yeah at some point it becomes a litmus test for the values of the marriage partners. Water over the dam at this point for me.

[Anonymous]

My aunt and uncle did this. Technically, they separated, uncle moved to a house within bike-riding distance and kids split their time. At the time, I think it was meant to be a permanent split. Aunt basically told uncle she couldn't live with him anymore and he had to move out. But neither made any effort to get a divorce or see other people, they spent all holidays together, vacationed together and still went out socially as a couple. Years later, once the kids were grown, they sold uncle's house and he moved back in with aunt. They get along wonderfully now. I'm sure living apart saved their marriage.

There have been many times in my marriage when I've thought about how this seems like the ideal arrangement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My supervisor. He lives in DC during the week for work and goes home to VA Beach on the weekend. They have a 5 year old. They have been doing this for a year and a half and will continue to do it for the next 3 years.. #military

You know hashtags don't work on DCUM, right?

#yes

[Anonymous]

We're considering this for 4-8 months. Glad to see it works for some.

[Anonymous]

I know a family whose dh works in a different country and only comes back once a year. They has been doing this for 8 years. The wife used to complain a lot about it but the husband seems to be happy with the arrangement though I suspect he has sex with other women. They has one child who is in HS now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family whose dh works in a different country and only comes back once a year. They has been doing this for 8 years. The wife used to complain a lot about it but the husband seems to be happy with the arrangement though I suspect he has sex with other women. They has one child who is in HS now.

This needs to be a s/o thread. That was my next question.

[Anonymous]

I know some foreign families in the biomedical research field who live in different cities for professional reasons. Even more difficult, the Chinese scientists sometimes send their infants home to be raised by their grandmothers because they work insane hours here and feel their families can take better care of them. So sad. I used to work in the same field, and come home at 10pm. DH used to do all pick and drop-off at daycare. Not a family-friendly field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this for a while because my wife refuses to move out of a Rust Belt hellhole with little opportunity because she is attached to her mother. Will do this again once youngest leaves for college. As you can tell, not planning to stay in this marriage. In 15 months comes the big payback.

Throwing you my support. DW refused to move for opportunities when we were young. Now as we have aged and our opportunities are less, she says where are all the opportunities. Honey, I told you that we should move to a part of the country with organic growth, preferably with a lower cost of living. You refused to discuss because of your (controlling) mother. Now that we made our bed we have to do the best we can. Then I get told I never took her to visit, etc. Outright refused fantastic opportunities and refuses to admit she should have stood up to her Mother. And this is from a women who doesn't want to work. After 20 plus years I don't have alot if sympathy.

NP here who is a wife. I'm sad that both your wives acted this way. Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman, not a man and a woman and a MIL. She should have deferred to you, but you quickly found her true loyalty wasn't to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did this for a while because my wife refuses to move out of a Rust Belt hellhole with little opportunity because she is attached to her mother. Will do this again once youngest leaves for college. As you can tell, not planning to stay in this marriage. In 15 months comes the big payback.

Throwing you my support. DW refused to move for opportunities when we were young. Now as we have aged and our opportunities are less, she says where are all the opportunities. Honey, I told you that we should move to a part of the country with organic growth, preferably with a lower cost of living. You refused to discuss because of your (controlling) mother. Now that we made our bed we have to do the best we can. Then I get told I never took her to visit, etc. Outright refused fantastic opportunities and refuses to admit she should have stood up to her Mother. And this is from a women who doesn't want to work. After 20 plus years I don't have alot if sympathy.

NP here who is a wife. I'm sad that both your wives acted this way. Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman, not a man and a woman and a MIL. She should have deferred to you, but you quickly found her true loyalty wasn't to you.

PP here. Thanks for your note. As my mother used to say youth is wasted on the young. I should have handled differently. We met young and while we were dating I told DW that I wanted to leave the area and that her Mom was welcome to come with us. I never had a clear conversation with my MIL before marriage and I should have. Once we were married that became we can't leave - what about my mother ? Also impacted any housing de isions - where's my Mothers room ?

hard to divorce once I knew the dynamic as I felt that would have robbed my wife of any chance to be a Mom; I really did not want to hurt her. She was somewhat between a rock and a hard place. In hindsight I should have had a come to Jesus with both of them. So, sad thing is has hurt my desire to grow old with my wife. She also has a brother on disability and I suspect that will be the next "what about my brother?" dynamic as we age but while I try to live up to my vows I'm done. Time to be selfish - which I learned from them.

[Anonymous]

We did it and it was hard at first, but then over the years I became very independent, had my routine, made friends, etc. When he came back, it was a big adjustment. We are fine now, but it wasn't easy.

[Anonymous]

What is a s/o thread ?