I feel like I don't have anything to offer men....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will admit that I have slept around quite a bit. But I have been monogamous for the past year, so it's a start. Although ideally I'd like to be celibate, of course harder said than done.

Are you op?

Yes

I'm so confused. Are you saying you went from just sleeping around with anyone to having more exclusive friends-with-benefits situations, and would prefer to not sleep with anyone until you found a real relationship but are having a hard time doing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will admit that I have slept around quite a bit. But I have been monogamous for the past year, so it's a start. Although ideally I'd like to be celibate, of course harder said than done.

Are you op?

Yes

I'm so confused. Are you saying you went from just sleeping around with anyone to having more exclusive friends-with-benefits situations, and would prefer to not sleep with anyone until you found a real relationship but are having a hard time doing it?

Exactly. I do have a fwb now. we dated for about 3-4 months last year, but things didn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will admit that I have slept around quite a bit. But I have been monogamous for the past year, so it's a start. Although ideally I'd like to be celibate, of course harder said than done.

Are you op?

Yes

You might have a reputation for doing just that so those men might think you're ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Most of the guys I slept with were in my college years. I live in a totally different city now. I have met most of the guys in my current city via OLD. Their profiles state that they are looking for a relationship, so I am confused about that.

[Anonymous]

What do your friends see in you? Why do your girlfriends and family like you? THAT's what you have to offer a man. Search for an intellectual/mental connection. The physical intimacy will follow in the right relationship.

This is an easy pattern to break. No sex without commitment.

Your self esteem regarding men is low, so you use your physical attributes more than your emotional and intellectual. When you sleep with guys too early or appear willing to do so, they aren't valuing you as a potential life partner. Don't take this personally. Guys just really want sex. But, the RIGHT guy will want both.

[Anonymous]

I would stop these fwb situations and try actually being celibate while dating for a while. Not because I have anything against casual sex, but because the way you're engaging in casual sex doesn't seem to be working for you. So take a break for a while and see what happens when you don't jump into sex with whomever happens to come along for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will admit that I have slept around quite a bit. But I have been monogamous for the past year, so it's a start. Although ideally I'd like to be celibate, of course harder said than done.

Are you op?

Yes

I'm so confused. Are you saying you went from just sleeping around with anyone to having more exclusive friends-with-benefits situations, and would prefer to not sleep with anyone until you found a real relationship but are having a hard time doing it?

Exactly. I do have a fwb now. we dated for about 3-4 months last year, but things didn't work out.

How on earth are you going to meet a boyfriend if you have a FWB you're involved with? Drop him NOW. Unless you want to waste valuable time with a man who will never date or marry you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For right now, the best step forward is to make friends. Do not allow a man to use you for sex, even if it means not having them ask you out. I promise the right man is out there. Focus on building hobbies and making friends, including with men.

I am a DH, but I think this is excellent advice. Be yourself, but "don't hide your light under a bushel" - get out there and do the things you like to do. Also: be open to meeting and talking to guys. All the women I've ever known who are single long term (not by choice) have a way of pushing people away or being too picky (looking for reasons to disqualify a guy)...avoid having a checklist.

I know several "ordinary" women who are quite happily married, and they were never being pursued for the bodies/looks, several of them to guys who are objectively "hotter"...it is about personality, and if you are a nice person and not too picky, there is someone for you.

[Anonymous]

^^^ how exactly do you find these guys "hotter?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stop these fwb situations and try actually being celibate while dating for a while. Not because I have anything against casual sex, but because the way you're engaging in casual sex doesn't seem to be working for you. So take a break for a while and see what happens when you don't jump into sex with whomever happens to come along for a while.

I agree with the above.

I just skimmed this thread but just wanted to let you know that not all guys are like that.

A lot of it is building respect as well and it may be hard to change a relationship from the basis it started.

ie if you sleep with someone a little bit too soon, it may be hard to get them to respect you and it will be hard to gain that respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do your friends see in you? Why do your girlfriends and family like you? THAT's what you have to offer a man. Search for an intellectual/mental connection. The physical intimacy will follow in the right relationship.

This is an easy pattern to break. No sex without commitment.

Your self esteem regarding men is low, so you use your physical attributes more than your emotional and intellectual. When you sleep with guys too early or appear willing to do so, they aren't valuing you as a potential life partner. Don't take this personally. Guys just really want sex. But, the RIGHT guy will want both.

Man here. This is probably as close to correct as we'll get here with the limited info provided.

OP, I don't know why you feel as if you don't have anything to offer men, but not even knowing you I'm confident that you're wrong. Not sure if you said how old you were, but sometimes it can take awhile for people to get comfortable enough with themselves and recognize that they really do have much to offer to a partner.

I won't tell you what to do, but I will tell you that you're unlikely to land the man you're looking for by using sex as a hook.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. I'm almost 30, so I have somewhat of an idea of who I am. But I may be interested in guys that are higher than me on the totem pole in terms of career and education. I really admire intelligence and ambition in a guy; but I may not be on an equal wavelength with them. I honestly want to try celibacy and I have before so I know it's possible with the semi high sex drive that I have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice. I'm almost 30, so I have somewhat of an idea of who I am. But I may be interested in guys that are higher than me on the totem pole in terms of career and education. I really admire intelligence and ambition in a guy; but I may not be on an equal wavelength with them. I honestly want to try celibacy and I have before so I know it's possible with the semi high sex drive that I have

In what sense do you feel like you're not on an equal wavelength with them? Here's something I realized in my 20s -- those traits I kept looking for in guys over and over again were traits I wanted to cultivate more in myself, and seemed to be looking for men who had them in the hopes they would bring it out in me. Maybe seeking this out so strongly in a guy is a sign you wish you were more ambitious and more intellectual. Perhaps instead of sleeping with random guys, put that energy into being more of the kind of person you admire. Along the way, you might inadvertently find yourself attracting the kind of guy you want.

[Anonymous]

You are a testament to the adage "you can't turn a ho into a housewife."

Seriously, cut out the FWB thing. And find a group of friends that doesn't know about your past.

[Anonymous]

Having your FWB is fine OP unless and until it distracts you from finding the relationship you want. And based on your original post, feeling like you body is all you have to offer, having an FWB is probably solidifying that thought, so I'd go for celibacy for a bit if I were you.

Also, just because a man says he's seeking a relationship on his online dating profile doesn't necessarily make it true.

I agree with all of the PP's about making more friends, cultivating your interests, and getting to know/comfortable with yourself outside of the context of a relationship with a man. There is no reason to believe you won't find what you are looking for , you just need to break out of this pattern first.