Brother refuses to allow use of his room

[Anonymous]

OP, you ask, "why"?

Because he is scum
and can't get his life together
and the only power he has it to be an @aahole.

And you!
Go to the library.
It's free, study there.
And get the h*ll out of that house. Permanently.

It's sucking any thoughtful reasoning out of you.

[Anonymous]

We all agree your brother is in the wrong and also dangerous, and that it's not fair that you, comparatively more hard-working and high-achieving, should have the harder deal.

First, life is not fair.
Second, as a parent of one child with special needs and one high-achieving child, please understand that I will care for my troubled child for as long as I live, and that this will impact my other children, even if only in the more limited attention I can give to them.
I don't know where your father stands in all this, but I suspect he expects more from you than from him. It's not fair, but it's perhaps all he can give. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Which is a long way to say: don't engage with your brother, and deal with it another way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

what does your father say?


He wants there to be a compromise, as in, I get to use a small part of the room, a designated area, and not touch the rest.

My brother absolutely lost it at this suggestion. He does not want me to even walk in the room.

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Again, since it is your dad's house it is up to him and I can't see why his proposed solution would not meet your needs.

Yes, his proposed solution would be fine with me. Though I suspect my father wont follow through on it. I over heard my brother shouting at my father this morning. He overheard me venting to my father about how frustrated I was about it last night, while he walked upstairs with one of his buddies.

I heard him tell my father that if had heard me talking this way, he would have punched me in the face. Which I dont doubt. When he gets angry it's like he loses control. He also collects guns, which my father allows.

My father has said in the past that he is physically afraid of my brother, and I think he may give in. Which annoys me, because I am a non violent person, not to mention a 5'5 girl. So it seems to me like the most violent party wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

what does your father say?


He wants there to be a compromise, as in, I get to use a small part of the room, a designated area, and not touch the rest.

My brother absolutely lost it at this suggestion. He does not want me to even walk in the room.

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Again, since it is your dad's house it is up to him and I can't see why his proposed solution would not meet your needs.

Yes, his proposed solution would be fine with me. Though I suspect my father wont follow through on it. I over heard my brother shouting at my father this morning. He overheard me venting to my father about how frustrated I was about it last night, while he walked upstairs with one of his buddies.

I heard him tell my father that if had heard me talking this way, he would have punched me in the face. Which I dont doubt. When he gets angry it's like he loses control. He also collects guns, which my father allows.

My father has said in the past that he is physically afraid of my brother, and I think he may give in. Which annoys me, because I am a non violent person, not to mention a 5'5 girl. So it seems to me like the most violent party wins.

Study hard in your 10x10 space, do well on the LSAT and get out. This issue is bigger and more complex than you wanting to use the space, and is Not. Your. Battle.

Support your dad, be safe, and get out.

[Anonymous]

Why did you not call the police on your brother when he threw you down the stairs and put you in a headlock? I ask this as someone whose brother became physical in arguments well into his 20s, and he was older and considerably larger than I was. This is why I moved out at 17--surely as a 25-year-old woman (you're not a girl anymore) you can take care of yourself and remove yourself from a situation where you are unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Dope, guns, violence.

You need to move out yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you not call the police on your brother when he threw you down the stairs and put you in a headlock? I ask this as someone whose brother became physical in arguments well into his 20s, and he was older and considerably larger than I was. This is why I moved out at 17--surely as a 25-year-old woman (you're not a girl anymore) you can take care of yourself and remove yourself from a situation where you are unsafe.

+1 You need to call the police, and IMO, not just for the physical attack, but also the weed smoking. It's illegal and your brother needs to stop.

If it were me, I'd call the police and find somewhere else to stay. I know you're focused on studying for the LSAT right now, but you're in physical danger. Rent out a $500/month room in a group house - they do exist. Work part time while studying. I've studied for the LSAT too and it doesn't have to be a full time activity - most people studying for it are also full time students, so most people aren't taking months off the prepare for it, like you would for the bar.

[Anonymous]

My father has said in the past that he is physically afraid of my brother, and I think he may give in. Which annoys me, because I am a non violent person, not to mention a 5'5 girl. So it seems to me like the most violent party wins.

Ok, well if your dad is afraid of your brother, that's a larger issue and I wouldn't push your dad further on the issue of the room.

[Anonymous]

Can you go stay somewhere else on the weekends when he comes home?

As someone else mentioned, this is WAY bigger than just using your brother's space. Even if you do get to use a corner of the space, your brother will make life miserable (or worse) for you. It's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Why did your dad not do anything about your brother getting physical with you?
I don't care what special needs your brother has, that is bullshit and he shouldn't be allowed to get away with things like that.

[Anonymous]

Get out. Don't provoke your brother regardless of how "unfair" or "childish" he's being.

Yes, it isn't fair, but it's pretty hard to study if you are fighting, getting thrown down stairs, and being punched in the face.

And yeah, call the police next time.

[Anonymous]

And have a serious talk with your dad sometime when your brother isn't around. Tell him that you are worried about his safety. Ask if he has a plan to deal with your brother. Be supportive.

You have a good plan to move on, but it sounds like your dad is stuck with a time bomb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did your dad not do anything about your brother getting physical with you?
I don't care what special needs your brother has, that is bullshit and he shouldn't be allowed to get away with things like that.

Well, my father was physically violent with all of us and with my mother growing up. After she divorced him, I stupidly thought, given how he begged and pleaded for me to come stay with him, that he had changed. That was a mistake- he's largely the same as he was growing up, though he doesn't dare get violent with me now.

I suppose I thought I could handle things now, but I realize now I'm in over my head. I Have bad credit, which is why it was hard to find somewhere else to move. And he can be nice really frequently (I know, typical of abusive people, which makes moving into a group home seem like the less appealing option.

My father told me it was partially my fault for my brother getting physical with me. What prompted it was me going Into his room, so I guess it's Obvious he has had serious space issues for a while.

I guess I don't call the police on my brother, though I have threatened to many times, is because I feel sorry for him. I was always his protector/defender growing up, and I feel like shit really hit the fan for him when I went away to college and was no longer there for him. Writing that out it does seem silly, but it's sad because I will always see the little three year old brother I loved so much, and it's hard to totally cut him off even though I guess that's what I should do.

My father totally fans the flames and I think he tries to breed Ill will and conflict between us. Which is why I'm trying to leave.

Forgot to mention, I have set up a move to California. Moving in early April, have it set up with a friend. So there is an end in sight, it's just dealing with things until April comes.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is so much bigger than the room situation, and I'm sorry you are dealing with all of it.

Keep your head down until April. Stay out of your brother's room. It sucks, but do it. When you leave tell him you are sorry things didn't work out, and you look forward to seeing him again soon. He'll probably need your help someday.

And get out as much as possible. The situation sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

How close are you to a university library? You dont' usually need to be a student to get in, and their hours are better than regular public libraries for studying.