As an adult how do you get over a relationship with your parents that you will never have?

[Anonymous]

I haven't talked w my mom for 6 years. Sad but you go on. Her choice to part ways but we always had it bad. It's just a bad scene with my parents who couldn't get along either. Therapy did not help me - living my life as best I can helped. That is, try to love my work. Try to enjoy my kids and be grateful for my DH. Try to remember I'm not alone. Being sad about my cross to beat, being angry that I don't have parents who act like parents, being resigned to the fact that on the family front I lost out. Be honest to yourself and then you let it go. If I told you my story you'd never believe it because it look so normal. Everyone has some story even if it's not to do w parents. It sucks but one day there may be a resolution. Until then you have to suck it up. Most people will not understand and after years of therapy I assure you- continuing to talk about it will not change it. If you feel certain your mom will not change and if you don't like the relationship, walk away - you can be free of it. You got zero chance to heal or change otherwise anyway . Try your best to find others with family oriented issues to not feel too alone. Know it's not you. That's really how I cope. One day maybe I can forgive but I'm not ready yet so I accept that my choice is to distance myself from my mother. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and I have a really bad relationship. She is extremely controlling, manipulative, judgmental and she will talk about badly me behind my back, yet I feel forced to interact with her. She demands to be treated like a queen. When I say anything against this she plays the victim and says that I am being disrespectful. My dad used to stand up against her and over the years he has started to side with her because she will drive him crazy until he agrees with her. My dad has now turned into a hateful person. He thinks everyone is out to get him and hates anyone that is not just like him. They are both extremely hard to be around, If my kids don't act extremely happy to see them they take it personal. There is a long list of things my kids have to do while they are here and if they mess it up while my parents are here, we never hear the end of it. I am so sick of it.

When I see other people that love having their moms/dads visit or come over and they like their parents I just feel a sense of loss or hurt. When I forget how damaging she can be I try to get close to her and always get crushed. How do I get over the fact that I will never have a good relationship with either my mom or dad while still having to talk to them?
(Sorry for the grammar and spelling.)

You should accept that you don't know what's going on behind each house's door or in other people's minds. No relationship is without its low points, trials, and challenges. What you see is rarely what you get, I assure you.

I agree with PPs on the rest: limited contact, therapy if you feel you need it. (I hate it and find it useless, but Americans love their therapists, what can I say.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

I had not heard this, but am going to remember it. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

I have heard this as well. Thanks for posting this PP. It is definitely true for my wife. She witnessed some crappy things in her childhood. Her relationship with our children is amazing and has been an avenue for her to overcome the hurt she experienced as a child.

+2. I had a great relationship with my parents once I was grown, but it took a lot of therapy and I had to make the step of seeing them as people in their own right, with lives before me, and recognizing that their childhoods were pretty horrible, even worse than mine. They did the best they could and gave me better than what they had.

Even so, there was a lot of residual pain until I became a mom, and, quite unexpectedly to me, discovered that parenting my own child is in a weird sense like re-parenting myself -- I derive a real sense of comfort from being the mom I wanted. Not that I am perfect by any means, but DD is feels secure and is a happy kid overall, smart with lots of interests and friends. Creating a nurturing environment for her has turned out to also give me things I didn't even know I needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

OP here, I thank you for this post and everyone else's. I have considered cutting them off, but that would be an uphill battle. I may still do that in the future. My parents try putting themselves at such a high level in my life. Meaning they feel they should be allowed to say anything and do anything in my house. An example, when my 7 year old was doing homework and my mom kept telling him he has to study hard so that he's not stupid and she kept asking him if he wants to be stupid when he grows up. I said mom he'll be ok no matter what. She said, what i can't talk to him??? He's my grandson I can say whatever the hell I want to him. It's so frustrating for me.

I have stopped looking forward to their visits and now hate it when they are here. I have to prep the kids into acting a certain way (make sure you say thank you and please over and over again, make sure you say good morning first to grandma, make sure you answer grandma immediately) for things to run smoother when they are here, but crap still hits the fan.

My mom is like this as well. Sorry, OP. I know how much it sucks.

I have cut down on their visits. They can come here once a year, or else we meet at another family member's house. I just don't want that kind of toxic behavior around me anymore (or my kids). That part in bold is exactly like something my mom would/does say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

Thanks for posting this.

Another poster here who had a terrible relationship with my mom. My dad is better, thankfully so at least one parent is decent. I cut off my mom completely and totally. It has made my life so much better, but I do still feel sad about the loss of that relationship. Someday I'll try therapy when I have more time and money!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

Not OP but -- wow, thank you. I needed to read that. Karma +1 to you, I hope.

I would say that we have a third chance to experience it -- to parent ourselves as we would have wished to be parented. Whatever it is you thought you missed from your parent -- build it for yourself. Find some older peers who can advise/mentor you as a person and parent. Find a therapist. Do things for yourself that your parent should have (i.e. get educated, save, etc.) Build a stable adult family relationships with a partner, in-laws or other relatives or friend circle.

[Anonymous]

After talking with friends and siblings over the years, I realized few people get the parents they wanted.

What helped me accept my parents as they were, and not as I wanted, was to understand them as people. I asked about their lives during their childhoods, young adult years, early marriage years, and parenting years before I arrived. My dad didn't want to talk much, so his mother and my mother helped fill in the pieces. Live wasn't easy for them, just like it's not easy for me. By seeing them are people who struggled, I learned to forgive them for not being the parents I needed. I also learned to value their strengths of loyalty, honesty, and consistency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with therapy, OP, and here is something that I once heard about this:

The parent-child relationship is probably the most sacred of all relationships and in life, if we are lucky, we have two chances to experience it as it should be lived. The first is almost totally out of our control. The second -- our relationship with our own kids -- is almost completely within our control.

The more you build strong and loving relationship with your own children, the more you will experience healing in the deficiency of the relationship with your own mother.

Agree. And you said it so well.

[Anonymous]

Another recommendation for therapy. I found it very helpful to have an outside party walk me through the dynamics of my family relationships.