DE Moms: psychological considerations

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I'm a DE mom, with two kids now 6 and almost 9. I think, looking back, I would have shared less about all of my infertility struggles with various random people. I was so blindsided by the whole infertility diagnoses and all the choices and decisions that I talked A LOT about it to anyone who would listen. I found people to be generally ignorant, sometimes judgmental, and occasionally cruel. As time went on, I became much more choosy about who I told and how much I shared. We have and continue to share with our children quite openly how they were conceived, although they are only marginally interested at this point. We do not believe that keep it a secret from them is fair as they have a right to know, and secrets have a way of coming out anyway. I would hate for them to find out sometime far down the road and feel that we had lied or misled them. We did share openly with our families, however they were not a party to the donor selection process. We believed that that should be private between DH and me. I didn't need anyone nitpicking our choices. Our families were very supportive and understanding, but even they had a few less than supportive reactions. My father made some statement about how "his line was ending" or some such crap. That stung, but I let it go. Going on 10 years down the line from making these decisions, it really is a non-issue most of the time. My oldest does have a few more questions as he gets more aware of how things work, but it is more curiosity than any negative feelings about donor conception. We just answer truthfully and simply and move on.

I wish you all the best of luck with your journey. I know it is tough, but there is hope and joy possible at the end of the line. Sending you tons of good luck vibes!!!

[Anonymous]

Op again. Thank you all so much for continuing to provide input, things to consider, and how/when you told your kids.

PP, your experience really resonates with me. Through attrition, more people wound up finding out about our infertility struggle and IVF than we are comfortable with now. We're using our last failed cycle to create a tabula rasa for ourselves. We're telling 90% of folks including my parents that IVF failed, we have no more embryos, and are stopping treatment. And absolutely no one except for us gets any input in the DE process. I'm glad that you were able to channel your openness in conversations with your kids. It is a relief to hear that they have only been marginally interested bc it's only a part of their life-long story. I hope your dad has been keeping his comments to himself.

RE # of eggs. Thanks for clarifying. At first I didn't understand bc we're doing DE in my country of origin. If the anonymous donor doesn't produce a minimum of six, the clinic provides a new donor free of charge. Of course, that doesn't guarantee the number of blasts. It's easy to get enchanted, so thanks for the reminder to manage my expectations.

[Anonymous]

DE mom here 20 years on. Just did not want to share anymore with people for several reasons.
-- the required counselling seemed like a business plan for the psych group to me. Relentless -- no choice and tell, tell, tell. At that time door sperm were Ok with not telling, which seemed a bit sexist to me. I thought it was ridiculous especially after having been a teacher and heard all the "adoption stories" from my students. Did not seem to be helping them much.
-- we found in telling about our RE experience in general that you have no control over who tells what to whom -- even best friends fell it is OK to tell "just one person". So we would have friendly neighbors/ community members coming up and asking us how things were going. Since we had a several miscarriages, that was ...awkward and painful.
-- as for depriving our kids of their "right to know" our family has been blindsided by genetic issues that could not have been predicted anyway. So more information does not always give you a free pass in genetics.
-- what and who to tell during the process felt very different when they were preschoolers and the whole infertility was a thing of the past. We are not ashamed -- just want to maintain our privacy.
-- we have to discuss it at some point because there are genetic issues. Some good and some bad -- but that is a topic for an adult, not a preschooler/ baby/ child/ our friends
-- note the PPs who are vehement about "your obligation" -- is it any of their business?
-- never have had one single regret about this decision.
This worked for us, maybe you have a different perspective. The years go very quickly and being a good parent is hard work. Best of luck to all.

[Anonymous]

Tell soon, tell all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been better prepared for terrible outcomes. Sometimes even proven donors produce only 3 eggs.

Yikes, what was the clinic able to do for you?

I don't understand this question. I don't expect the clinic to do anything. Sometimes you get a bad draw. I wish I had been better prepared for this possibility going in, however -- because a bad draw like this is a blow when you have spent tens of thousands on a donor egg cycle.

This. Just had my first DE cycle that failed. A healthy 23 year old donor got us one Day 5 blast out of 8 mature eggs. I knew theoretically that failure was an option, but was no where near mentally and emotionally prepared to actually have it happen. DE is supposed to be the solution to your own fertility problems, and its harder than I thought to have it become a new source of heartbreak.

PP I am sorry for your lost cycle. BTDT. Everything about it is ore heartbreaking because you feel like it is the last option. Not too many women start out with DE.