DE Moms: psychological considerations

[Anonymous]

Hello! We're beginning a DE cycle in a few weeks. In the happy event that we are successful, what are some things that you wish you had known or anticipated? Are there any books or resources that you recommend? I've found PVED to be moderately helpful. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I'm a wanna-be DE mom and just had a quick question on your post - what does PVED mean? I don't know of any books or resources to recommend, but I'll be reading responses to your post with interest. Thanks for posting!

[Anonymous]

PVED is an online forum/resource for parents via egg donation.

My best support network came from Fertile Thoughts - I found a great community of people there cycling at the same time as me. It was tremendously helpful.

Re what I found useful, I didn't do any significant reading or research (beyond the medical stuff) - I mostly just needed people to talk to anonymously (since we had differing levels of openness with friends and family throughout the process.) I needed a place to talk about my worries or regrets, beyond just perpetually burdening my husband - so the online community was my best resource.

Other than that, DE worked really well for us and it was easy compared to the endless IVF cycles we had tried in vain. So that part was a relief, and dealing with a normal pregnancy after all we'd been through was kind of a treat.

The toughest part, for us, was figuring out how open to be about DE, and how soon. Once we got through that there really hasn't been much else that is DE specific. Occasionally I still have a pang or two when I look at one of my kids (twins) and see a stranger's features, but most of the time I don't even think about it.

Good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm not yet thinking about DE but may in the future. I've had a few friends that are in the midst of doing it.
I am not sure where you live but Shady Grove Fertility has a variety of free support groups (well, most of them are) and you don't have to be a patient of theirs. For some reason I can't paste the link to the groups. I think if you google Shady Grove Fertility Support Groups you will find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not yet thinking about DE but may in the future. I've had a few friends that are in the midst of doing it.
I am not sure where you live but Shady Grove Fertility has a variety of free support groups (well, most of them are) and you don't have to be a patient of theirs. For some reason I can't paste the link to the groups. I think if you google Shady Grove Fertility Support Groups you will find it.

This is very nice to know. We are not using SGF but have been patients in the past. Thanks for the suggestion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PVED is an online forum/resource for parents via egg donation.

My best support network came from Fertile Thoughts - I found a great community of people there cycling at the same time as me. It was tremendously helpful.

Re what I found useful, I didn't do any significant reading or research (beyond the medical stuff) - I mostly just needed people to talk to anonymously (since we had differing levels of openness with friends and family throughout the process.) I needed a place to talk about my worries or regrets, beyond just perpetually burdening my husband - so the online community was my best resource.

Other than that, DE worked really well for us and it was easy compared to the endless IVF cycles we had tried in vain. So that part was a relief, and dealing with a normal pregnancy after all we'd been through was kind of a treat.

The toughest part, for us, was figuring out how open to be about DE, and how soon. Once we got through that there really hasn't been much else that is DE specific. Occasionally I still have a pang or two when I look at one of my kids (twins) and see a stranger's features, but most of the time I don't even think about it.

Good luck!!!

Which boards did you find to be helpful at fertile thoughts? I agree that online communities are really helpful, esp since the issue is so specific and I'm an introvert. I'm like you...I don't want to read/invest too much in case it doesn't wind up working but I'd still like to feel informed.

Did you do family counseling when you were cycling? Or at what point did you think counselig was the most helpful/effective? We are also juggling who gets to know. It's a tough call bc I don't believe that kids are equipped to understand donor eggs at a super young age and i don't want them conflating it with adoption. Any advice in this area? I'm glad it seems like you're happy with your decision overall. Best to you and yours!

[Anonymous]

I wish I had been better prepared for terrible outcomes. Sometimes even proven donors produce only 3 eggs.

[Anonymous]

I approached DE as if I was using my own eggs as much as possible and tried not to focus on the DE part. So, I didn't. I haven't felt the need for any special books or websites to help me through anything, and I am not one who plans to tell my child their origins ever. I want my child to always feel 100% ours. I know that goes against the common idea of the day that all must always be revealed, but I don't care. Anhyway, that's what we are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been better prepared for terrible outcomes. Sometimes even proven donors produce only 3 eggs.

Yikes, what was the clinic able to do for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I approached DE as if I was using my own eggs as much as possible and tried not to focus on the DE part. So, I didn't. I haven't felt the need for any special books or websites to help me through anything, and I am not one who plans to tell my child their origins ever. I want my child to always feel 100% ours. I know that goes against the common idea of the day that all must always be revealed, but I don't care. Anhyway, that's what we are doing.

OP here. I respect your decision. I do believe the less people that know the better. I'm tempted not to tell my parents (we're not close anyways) but my husband told his. It's very personal and hindsight is 20/20. My wedding guest list would look a hell of a lot different a mere 3 yrs later. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been better prepared for terrible outcomes. Sometimes even proven donors produce only 3 eggs.

Yikes, what was the clinic able to do for you?

I don't understand this question. I don't expect the clinic to do anything. Sometimes you get a bad draw. I wish I had been better prepared for this possibility going in, however -- because a bad draw like this is a blow when you have spent tens of thousands on a donor egg cycle.

[Anonymous]

If you go with frozen de you know exactly how many eggs you are going to get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I approached DE as if I was using my own eggs as much as possible and tried not to focus on the DE part. So, I didn't. I haven't felt the need for any special books or websites to help me through anything, and I am not one who plans to tell my child their origins ever. I want my child to always feel 100% ours. I know that goes against the common idea of the day that all must always be revealed, but I don't care. Anhyway, that's what we are doing.

Denying your child access to his complete medical history because of your own insecurities is so, so wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had been better prepared for terrible outcomes. Sometimes even proven donors produce only 3 eggs.

Yikes, what was the clinic able to do for you?

I don't understand this question. I don't expect the clinic to do anything. Sometimes you get a bad draw. I wish I had been better prepared for this possibility going in, however -- because a bad draw like this is a blow when you have spent tens of thousands on a donor egg cycle.

This. Just had my first DE cycle that failed. A healthy 23 year old donor got us one Day 5 blast out of 8 mature eggs. I knew theoretically that failure was an option, but was no where near mentally and emotionally prepared to actually have it happen. DE is supposed to be the solution to your own fertility problems, and its harder than I thought to have it become a new source of heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PVED is an online forum/resource for parents via egg donation.

My best support network came from Fertile Thoughts - I found a great community of people there cycling at the same time as me. It was tremendously helpful.

Re what I found useful, I didn't do any significant reading or research (beyond the medical stuff) - I mostly just needed people to talk to anonymously (since we had differing levels of openness with friends and family throughout the process.) I needed a place to talk about my worries or regrets, beyond just perpetually burdening my husband - so the online community was my best resource.

Other than that, DE worked really well for us and it was easy compared to the endless IVF cycles we had tried in vain. So that part was a relief, and dealing with a normal pregnancy after all we'd been through was kind of a treat.

The toughest part, for us, was figuring out how open to be about DE, and how soon. Once we got through that there really hasn't been much else that is DE specific. Occasionally I still have a pang or two when I look at one of my kids (twins) and see a stranger's features, but most of the time I don't even think about it.

Good luck!!!

Which boards did you find to be helpful at fertile thoughts? I agree that online communities are really helpful, esp since the issue is so specific and I'm an introvert. I'm like you...I don't want to read/invest too much in case it doesn't wind up working but I'd still like to feel informed.

Did you do family counseling when you were cycling? Or at what point did you think counselig was the most helpful/effective? We are also juggling who gets to know. It's a tough call bc I don't believe that kids are equipped to understand donor eggs at a super young age and i don't want them conflating it with adoption. Any advice in this area? I'm glad it seems like you're happy with your decision overall. Best to you and yours!

On fertile thoughts there is an infertility forum, in which there is a section for Donor Issues (egg and sperm) and we had a thread of folks who were all cycling around the same time. It was such a fantastic support group.

The only counseling we did was the clinic required meeting with a social worker before we cycled. I thought it was silly but it actually was useful - especially in terms of thinking through how one discusses these issues with friends/family and especially any children that might result. It was very helpful for that. We haven't done any counseling since.

My kids are still preschoolers so their grasp on how babies are created is pretty slim but we have started telling them the story. I basically am using something like "Mommy and Daddy wanted you so badly that we ended up getting help from a nice doctor and another lady who gave us some eggs. Then the doctor took those eggs, mixed them with Daddy's sperm and put them inside MOmmy to grow. Then my tummy got so so big and one day we went to the hospital etc....."

They don't understand anything of course, but they will grow up having heard the story like it's no big deal, and the whole thing being about how much they were wanted.

Ask me in 20 years if this approach worked.

I do believe all the advice and research that supports full disclosure to the kids. I never want them to feel any shame about how they were created. We are incredibly blessed to have had the option and I can't imagine any other children in their place. So it actually has gotten a little easier for me as I figure out how I want them to feel. There is no other combination of sperm/egg/mother that would have yielded these two specific people and I can't imagine them not being here.

So that's what I remind myself of when I have the occasional pang (which does still happen.)

Good luck to you OP!