DH is short when speaking to others

[Anonymous]

It's who he is, op. Probably others have been a bit turned off during your entire marriage. People manage to get along anyway, even if they don't really like him.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have my honest sympathy, but can I offer a different perspective, and one against the idea that his behavior needs to be corrected? I am the daughter of a man who sounds similar to your husband, and married to a guy with a similar temperament, too. Both my dad and my husband are devoted to their immediate families and some solitary hobbies, like reading and exercise. They're just introverts, and have neither the social graces or give-a-damn to small talk or show interest in people other than those they are genuinely close to.

Caveat: Treating you disrespectfully or talking down to you--his spouse, his equal--isn't okay, and it warrants therapy or a class or whatever if it's more than a rare thing. But as far as how he treats people outside your family, that's on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you point out what he's saying, per the examples you gave?
Is he receptive? Does he say it again in a better tone?
If he does, that is probably the best you can do between the two of you
Are you concerned he does this to others and want to help him with that?

To answer you first two questions, he justifies his tone by explaining why he was irritated, impatient, etc. His justifications are spoken in a measured tone, I'll give him that. He's not a yeller, it's more of the tone and delivery, not volume.

And yes, I'm concerned about how he speaks to others and would like to help because he can't be received well.

Other pp, thank you for the American Management course rec. I'll check it out.

It's great that you don't put up with this way of speaking to you. That's the first and foremost thing.

On the issue of how he speaks to others, I am torn. On one side, I want to say you're not his mother and to let him suffer the natural consequence of his actions, i.e. people won't want to interact with him if they're spoken to in a rude or condescending way. On the other hand, the crux of the matter, I think, is that you have a child together. No way should your child get the idea that what Daddy does is ok, or you'll have a very rude, widely disliked child on your hands. And trust me, your children *will* imitate Daddy. That's why I'm inclined to say you should put it in terms of not wanting your kid to pick up bad manners from Dad, and tell in no uncertain tones to your husband that he needs to get help for that issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does this too. It seems to be getting worse as he gets older, I don't really understand it. And yes, his father speaks like this, too. It really shuts down conversations sometimes. It actually bothers me more when he does it with the kids or with other people than when he does it with me, because I call him out immediately and usually he corrects his tone/behavior. Other people are obviously not going to do that and simply will assume, at best, that he's disinterested in what they have to say or, at worst, that he's an arrogant ass. And the kids are obviously at a disadvantage.

I was struck many years ago by an article about a relationship researcher who could predict with great accuracy which couples would endure and which would divorce. Basically, when one half of the couple treated the other with condescension (eye rolling, etc) , that was a bad, bad sign. I frequently remind DH of this, that there is no relationship killer more potent than condescension. Even if he doesn't mean to be condescending, if he comes across that way, he is putting up a barrier to connection with others. I know he doesn't want that with our kids especially. His own father is actually Exhibit A on this phenomenon, so this serves as a useful example.

The PP who says that you aren't his mom is right, but the real rub comes when your DH treats his kids this way. I'm not going to sit by and watch DH drive a wedge between himself and our children.

Amen to the bolded. No one likes to be condescended to, and to have it come from your life partner? Not good *at all*.

Please do keep calling him out on the issue, esp. when he speaks in a not-OK tone to your DC. A parent should model respect and, no matter how a child is behaving, be the adult in the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably in your husband's situation a lot of the time. Rather than say "I can't hear you when you talk like that" - just walk away if you don't have to have the conversation right that minute. You don't have to engage with him when he's being short and starting up an argument, policing his form of expression isn't going to snap him out of it. When you know you need to discuss something that requires both his & your full attention, give him a headsup so he can come into it well hydrated or whatever it is he needs.

If you want to be helpful, you could bring him water & a snack when you start to see the "hangry" side come out. If you're fed up, walk away. But starting up a conversation he finds annoying and then policing his reaction really isn't helping anyone.

Walking away without a short, to-the-point explanation or warning is just as rude as speaking in a disrespectful tone.

I don't see anything wrong in what the OP is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way you talk to your husband is the way I talk to a bratty 3 yr old. Op I think you are the problem.

He *is* acting as a bratty three year old. So he should be dealt with in the same way.

And OP is most certainly not the problem. They have a child. Would you be ok with your child picking up that way of talking to others? Because rest assure that OP's child will. Children just love imitating Daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you talk to your husband is the way I talk to a bratty 3 yr old. Op I think you are the problem.

He *is* acting as a bratty three year old. So he should be dealt with in the same way.

And OP is most certainly not the problem. They have a child. Would you be ok with your child picking up that way of talking to others? Because rest assure that OP's child will. Children just love imitating Daddy.

+1000
OP's response to him when he starts talking down to her is excellent. The quoted poster needs to provide an alternate response if he/she thinks it's not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

When I encounter people like this I think it is shows how much contempt they have for those around them. To me their actions/words are nonverbally communicating the following: "I think you are stupid, why do I need to waste my time on you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably in your husband's situation a lot of the time. Rather than say "I can't hear you when you talk like that" - just walk away if you don't have to have the conversation right that minute. You don't have to engage with him when he's being short and starting up an argument, policing his form of expression isn't going to snap him out of it. When you know you need to discuss something that requires both his & your full attention, give him a headsup so he can come into it well hydrated or whatever it is he needs.

If you want to be helpful, you could bring him water & a snack when you start to see the "hangry" side come out. If you're fed up, walk away. But starting up a conversation he finds annoying and then policing his reaction really isn't helping anyone.

Walking away without a short, to-the-point explanation or warning is just as rude as speaking in a disrespectful tone.

I don't see anything wrong in what the OP is doing.

Saying "I can't hear you when you talk like that" is fighting fire with fire. It starts a fight. It doesn't curtail the obnoxious behavior; it escalates the situation from mild annoyance to hostility. I think there is something unproductive and wrong with that approach.

She could say "let me know when you're up for a proper conversation" as she walks away, but disengaging and exiting sets a healthy boundary and lets her husband know that she's not going to sit around to be spoken down to. It's not up for discussion, so don't stand around discussing it. OP has already made her point numerous times to no avail, so stop explaining it over & over again. Just don't tolerate it. Get up & exit the situation. Re-engage when DH is being respectful.

[Anonymous]

My SIL answers everything I say with a sarcastic or cynical response. So I just gave up trying.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this. I point it out every time, though I mostly just say 'stop being an ass". This is the biggest issue in our marriage right now. In actions, he is a great husband. It's just his words/tone that are an issue. And I am more Aspbergerish than he is. I think part of it is this is the way he gets results professionally. He owns his own successful business and is hard line about how he wants things done. I am a nurse so I am much more about working with people rather than giving orders. He fully admits that I am smarter than him, but it is much harder to get him to understand that just because someone does something a different way than him, that doesn't mean it's the wrong way.

If we get a divorce, this will be why.

That said, everyone thinks my dad is a jerk. He was the guy yelling on the sidelines at our soccer games and getting kicked out for being obnoxious. And yet, he is the greatest dad. His yelling was just yelling, not scary to me in the least because that's just how he was. People are rarely perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably in your husband's situation a lot of the time. Rather than say "I can't hear you when you talk like that" - just walk away if you don't have to have the conversation right that minute. You don't have to engage with him when he's being short and starting up an argument, policing his form of expression isn't going to snap him out of it. When you know you need to discuss something that requires both his & your full attention, give him a headsup so he can come into it well hydrated or whatever it is he needs.

If you want to be helpful, you could bring him water & a snack when you start to see the "hangry" side come out. If you're fed up, walk away. But starting up a conversation he finds annoying and then policing his reaction really isn't helping anyone.

Walking away without a short, to-the-point explanation or warning is just as rude as speaking in a disrespectful tone.

I don't see anything wrong in what the OP is doing.

Saying "I can't hear you when you talk like that" is fighting fire with fire. It starts a fight. It doesn't curtail the obnoxious behavior; it escalates the situation from mild annoyance to hostility. I think there is something unproductive and wrong with that approach.

She could say "let me know when you're up for a proper conversation" as she walks away, but disengaging and exiting sets a healthy boundary and lets her husband know that she's not going to sit around to be spoken down to. It's not up for discussion, so don't stand around discussing it. OP has already made her point numerous times to no avail, so stop explaining it over & over again. Just don't tolerate it. Get up & exit the situation. Re-engage when DH is being respectful.

Poster you're quoting. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that OP did what you suggest for a long while, and it didn't help. Because nice manners never help with jerks. Only firm boundaries do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably in your husband's situation a lot of the time. Rather than say "I can't hear you when you talk like that" - just walk away if you don't have to have the conversation right that minute. You don't have to engage with him when he's being short and starting up an argument, policing his form of expression isn't going to snap him out of it. When you know you need to discuss something that requires both his & your full attention, give him a headsup so he can come into it well hydrated or whatever it is he needs.

If you want to be helpful, you could bring him water & a snack when you start to see the "hangry" side come out. If you're fed up, walk away. But starting up a conversation he finds annoying and then policing his reaction really isn't helping anyone.

Walking away without a short, to-the-point explanation or warning is just as rude as speaking in a disrespectful tone.

I don't see anything wrong in what the OP is doing.

Saying "I can't hear you when you talk like that" is fighting fire with fire. It starts a fight. It doesn't curtail the obnoxious behavior; it escalates the situation from mild annoyance to hostility. I think there is something unproductive and wrong with that approach.

She could say "let me know when you're up for a proper conversation" as she walks away, but disengaging and exiting sets a healthy boundary and lets her husband know that she's not going to sit around to be spoken down to. It's not up for discussion, so don't stand around discussing it. OP has already made her point numerous times to no avail, so stop explaining it over & over again. Just don't tolerate it. Get up & exit the situation. Re-engage when DH is being respectful.

Poster you're quoting. I'd bet you dollars to donuts that OP did what you suggest for a long while, and it didn't help. Because nice manners never help with jerks. Only firm boundaries do.

If firm boundaries don't include refusing to engage when he's rude and leaving the conversation when it's not acceptable, then what does that look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I encounter people like this I think it is shows how much contempt they have for those around them. To me their actions/words are nonverbally communicating the following: "I think you are stupid, why do I need to waste my time on you?"

Right, which is why OP is struggling here. IF she knows her DH doesn't actually feel contemptuous, but is acting in a way that could be perceived that way.

The question really is about whether and how much one should help out a partner. I suspect it has a lot to do with how open the partner is to advice and how willing he is to accept the advice and try to make changes.