DH is short when speaking to others

[Anonymous]

I'm putting this in Family forum because it involves not just me, but DC and others.

DH is a wonderful loving person. Very family oriented. Accomplished at work.

BUT the way he expresses himself to others can come off as irritated, impatient, condescending. He has been like this for years. He blames it on a headache, or hunger or work stress or irritation at the actions of others. When it happens to me I will stop him and say, "I cannot hear what you're saying when you speak to me like that." or "Do you realize that you're using a condescending tone with me?" or "Please don't talk to me like that."

I'm not trying to shame him or treat him like a child, but it needs to change. FIL was/is the same way if it matters.

I'm looking for resources. Books or techniques? I'm not sure he would sit down and speak with someone about it.

[Anonymous]

What does he say when you point out what he's saying, per the examples you gave?
Is he receptive? Does he say it again in a better tone?
If he does, that is probably the best you can do between the two of you
Are you concerned he does this to others and want to help him with that?

[Anonymous]

American Management has a course called something like "Diplomacy and Tact."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you point out what he's saying, per the examples you gave?
Is he receptive? Does he say it again in a better tone?
If he does, that is probably the best you can do between the two of you
Are you concerned he does this to others and want to help him with that?

To answer you first two questions, he justifies his tone by explaining why he was irritated, impatient, etc. His justifications are spoken in a measured tone, I'll give him that. He's not a yeller, it's more of the tone and delivery, not volume.

And yes, I'm concerned about how he speaks to others and would like to help because he can't be received well.

Other pp, thank you for the American Management course rec. I'll check it out.

[Anonymous]

I personally am a little tone deaf. It's a struggle. Kind of like bitchy resting face for the voice. I don't mean to be...it just is. And it is incredibly hard to alter who you are, your voice modulation, whatever you call it.

I try to preempt it by poking fun at myself over it. But ultimately you have to look at the whole package. Everyone has good points and crappy points. Do the math and see if the good outweighs the bad for you.

Plus...his interactions with other people are NOT your responsibility. You aren't his mom. Remind yourself of that as often as needed.

[Anonymous]

My DH does this too. It seems to be getting worse as he gets older, I don't really understand it. And yes, his father speaks like this, too. It really shuts down conversations sometimes. It actually bothers me more when he does it with the kids or with other people than when he does it with me, because I call him out immediately and usually he corrects his tone/behavior. Other people are obviously not going to do that and simply will assume, at best, that he's disinterested in what they have to say or, at worst, that he's an arrogant ass. And the kids are obviously at a disadvantage.

I was struck many years ago by an article about a relationship researcher who could predict with great accuracy which couples would endure and which would divorce. Basically, when one half of the couple treated the other with condescension (eye rolling, etc) , that was a bad, bad sign. I frequently remind DH of this, that there is no relationship killer more potent than condescension. Even if he doesn't mean to be condescending, if he comes across that way, he is putting up a barrier to connection with others. I know he doesn't want that with our kids especially. His own father is actually Exhibit A on this phenomenon, so this serves as a useful example.

The PP who says that you aren't his mom is right, but the real rub comes when your DH treats his kids this way. I'm not going to sit by and watch DH drive a wedge between himself and our children.

[Anonymous]

^^sorry, I used the word "condescension" above, what I mean to say is "contemptuousness."

[Anonymous]

My wife is like this. It really takes a toll on the spouse, and even worse, the children.

[Anonymous]

People who act like this always seem to me like they must be off their medications.

[Anonymous]

I know a few people like this, including my husband. They all have this in common: they are socially clueless and seem to have Asperger's tendencies. Very technically minded and highly intelligent - just not on human matters, if you see what I mean

There isn't much you can do about it, except what you're already doing. Good job, by the way. I do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Take record him and then play it back to him. Or speak to him in the tone he speaks, and then say the exact same wording without the attitude and see if he senses a difference.

But honestly, he is responsible for his own actions. People will simply not want to be around him when he speaks this way. So he'll lose friends, customers, good will, etc. That's his problem.

[Anonymous]

The way you talk to your husband is the way I talk to a bratty 3 yr old. Op I think you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I know a few people like this, including my husband. They all have this in common: they are socially clueless and seem to have Asperger's tendencies. Very technically minded and highly intelligent - just not on human matters, if you see what I mean

There isn't much you can do about it, except what you're already doing. Good job, by the way. I do the same thing.

Stop with the diagnosing. Please. You are not a doctor. That being said, it's learned behavior. It can be unlearned. If one wants it to.

When I hear anyone using the tone described I say excuse me and rephrase the statement. I don't point it out or expect an apology. I sure don't diagnose them.

Your husband is just plain rude.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

To answer pp, I'm not trying to control how he deals with others outside of the family, but if he changed how he expressed himself, in general, it would carry over to situations outside of our family, too.

And to the pp who suggested recording him, I do wonder if he "hears" the way his tone comes out to others.

[Anonymous]

I'm probably in your husband's situation a lot of the time. Rather than say "I can't hear you when you talk like that" - just walk away if you don't have to have the conversation right that minute. You don't have to engage with him when he's being short and starting up an argument, policing his form of expression isn't going to snap him out of it. When you know you need to discuss something that requires both his & your full attention, give him a headsup so he can come into it well hydrated or whatever it is he needs.

If you want to be helpful, you could bring him water & a snack when you start to see the "hangry" side come out. If you're fed up, walk away. But starting up a conversation he finds annoying and then policing his reaction really isn't helping anyone.