Grieving while dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Death of a friend, a close friend, is like a death in the family and can take a long time to get over- if ever, really. In my case a friend died unexpectedly 18 months ago and I can still cry. I don't know when I feel non-rocky when thinking about her.

+1.
And please ignore the people who say what does the death of a friend have to do with dating. You are a complete human being and are reacting appropriately for a deep lost. That takes time and grieving - and maybe help. You would be totally heartless of the death of a close friend left you unaffected.

If however it does take more than a 2-3 months, you may have gone into a depression and seeking medical help would be appropriate thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Death of a friend, a close friend, is like a death in the family and can take a long time to get over- if ever, really. In my case a friend died unexpectedly 18 months ago and I can still cry. I don't know when I feel non-rocky when thinking about her.

+1.
And please ignore the people who say what does the death of a friend have to do with dating. You are a complete human being and are reacting appropriately for a deep loss. That takes time and grieving - and maybe help. You would be totally heartless if the death of a close friend left you unaffected.

If however it does take more than a 2-3 months, you may have gone into a depression and seeking medical help would be appropriate thing to do.

Sorry about the typos - on my phone .

[Anonymous]

You should date for fun, but avoid making commitment. Humans are programmed to multi-task.

[Anonymous]

I think some of you are missing the obvious, here - that when someone close to you dies unexpectedly and dies young, it hits harder than when someone older dies, or when someone dies after a long illness. Because it could be you. It forces you to evaluate how you want to live your life, and if you're happy with the way things are, or what you could do differently. If OP is unhappy in her dating patterns - or unhappy to be dating (and not married) as the case may be, she's going to be doing some thinking about this.

I lost my mom when she was 41. So hitting 41 and then 42 was a little surreal for me. I think I subconsciously thought I might suffer the same fate and also die young. It was just kind of out there, hanging over my head a little. When I lived past the age at which she died, it was a little weird - it's like I have bonus years now that I never really 100% expected.

[Anonymous]

I had a close friend die very suddenly at the age of 34. What helped me sometimes was to think of how she would want me to react in the wake of her death. She was so full of light and was so much fun to be around. I knew she'd want me to keep having a blast, even if I was sad about her being gone.

I'm so sorry about your loss. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly does your friends death have to do with dating men?

+1

Grief is so emotionally draining, it makes it impossible to even see outside yourself. You simply don't have it to give. I completely understand why you would stop dating and totally get your frustration at the idea of giving time to men or anyone who isn't able to offer you significant support.

It's unrealistic to think that you could date right now. My god, take that off your plate for the moment. You should not feel any pressure to "get back out there."

Grieve. In our culture, we give family and friends the time between death and the funeral to mourn. That's it. And it's completely ridiculous. The Jewish tradition gives a year of remembrance. Other cultures extend it even further.

I am two years out from experience tremendous loss. It's only now that I am able to walk through my day without a huge effort. Grief absorbs everything. Death is a monster. Please take care of yourself and don't you dare pathologize your experience. What you are feeling is NORMAL.

If you have a religious community, embrace it. Therapy---specifically grief counseling---is a great idea. It really helps by giving your something to do with all of the emotions swirling around.

I just fell down a deep, deep hole. I focused on my children and gave nothing to anyone else. I walked through probate like a zombie. I donated things while weeping for my loss. People understood because of the magnitude of my loss. I say the sudden loss of your dear friend is no different.

Grieve. Take care of yourself. Feel every emotion, then release it. Give yourself time. Time.

I cannot imagine dating while going through this experience. You will change in many ways by the time you're done with the worst part of grieving. The men you will seek out after a period of mourning are not the ones you would have dated before you lost your friend. They'll be better.

Sending you my deepest condolences. Wishing you well on your journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe your friend died unexpectedly, and the emotions from processing that are getting pulled into all the other areas of your life.

Agree with the idea to find help, probably a grief counselor. Just let yourself be with your grief for a bit.

And I am so sorry for your loss.

Agree with this, and it is natural to need outside help with a loss like this. It's better than the alternative- why try to muddle through and suffer when you can get help. Dating at a time like this, before you've dealt with your grief, makes you ripe for bad decisions. For clinging to men who wouldn't be on your radar screen if you were feeling more like yourself.
I am very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

i lost a very close friend two years ago, just when i was starting to date. does make it hard as you feel so emotionally raw and it's hard to share that with someone you don't know well or who knows you through lots of different times in your life. and the issues around dating seem inconsequential when you realize how tenuous life is. i think it just threw myself into dating for a bit to block out the grief and sense of loss of my friend. filled the gap for a bit. at some point though i had to deal with the loss and my own sense that everything could just fall apart at any minute. i think everyone reacts differently and if you feel like you needs some time you probably do. i think what you're feeling is normal but you might want to see a therapist if you don't think talking about it with close friends is enough. it does take some time….