How to handle upcoming baby showers for friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did these same friends celebrate you becoming a new mom at your shower? I'd probably suck it up and go, while planning to leave early before the gift opening ooohs and aaaahs. If all goes well, you might find yourself staying even longer for the gift opening.

I'm a 4 year primary infertility warrior, who has been lapped and attended many baby showers over the 4 years. I can tell you that the 'thought' of attending these events has always been worse than the events themselves. The beginning of a shower is always mingling and eating; when conversations turned to kids, I just scooted over to another conversation as I didn't have any children on earth.

These girls were my friends. I don't think you mentioned it, but if it was just an acquaintance--I 'd skip it. If any of them are not for first time moms, I'd skip them, too. (Sending gifts for both scenarios, of course.)

You are an ass.

GFY

[Anonymous]

I agree with many PPs- don't go. If your friends know about the secondary infertility, they'll understand. And if they don't know, just give a reasonable excuse and a present- it's totally fine. My SIL doesn't attend baby showers anymore bc it's too painful for her- and that's totally understandable.

[Anonymous]

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Period.

[Anonymous]

If it will upset you too much, don't go. What matters most is what is best for you in the long run.

Personally, I just know I have to suck it up otherwise I will completely and totally get down in the dumps feeling sorry for myself. It isn't like I can avoid pregnant women or babies and I like to be happy for others as much as possible and celebrate life, as hard as it can be. I do get teary sometimes, but that's my life -- I just don't draw attention to it, try to prepare myself ahead of time, and debrief with someone (usually my husband) after. Doing so has made me feel stronger and more in control. Besides, I know myself and I usually feel worse when I've been avoiding things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did these same friends celebrate you becoming a new mom at your shower? I'd probably suck it up and go, while planning to leave early before the gift opening ooohs and aaaahs. If all goes well, you might find yourself staying even longer for the gift opening.

I'm a 4 year primary infertility warrior, who has been lapped and attended many baby showers over the 4 years. I can tell you that the 'thought' of attending these events has always been worse than the events themselves. The beginning of a shower is always mingling and eating; when conversations turned to kids, I just scooted over to another conversation as I didn't have any children on earth.

These girls were my friends. I don't think you mentioned it, but if it was just an acquaintance--I 'd skip it. If any of them are not for first time moms, I'd skip them, too. (Sending gifts for both scenarios, of course.)

100 percent yes, especially if these are friends who celebrated you and your first baby. Once you get there, you'll warm up. Often, baby showers are the only time I get to see a once-close group of friends.

But that said, I think there are exceptions. Like the PP who was in the midst of a miscarriage. Or baby showers with stupid games.

I feel like the showers where you're celebrating the mama-to-be, and by extension, all women wherever they are on their journeys, are the most manageable for me. The ones with the least amount of baby shower baggage. The ones where the moms might need my support as a friend -- other women who've gone through infertility, or single parents, or parents who are adopting.

And you can always send a gift and politely decline. It doesn't mean you're not happy for your friend or her baby. Just that you're not up to it that day.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on how close you are with the people who the showers are for. If they are casual friends/family members you don't see much, don't go. If it is for your best friend, sister etc., I think you need to go even though it will be difficult


No! I don't expect my best friend, nor the people I love to put on a brave face for a shower. That's crazy!!!

I find your post offensive. My sister, who I am close with, is having a baby shower. I feel that it will make me sad to go due to my own secondary infertility issues, but I think, at least for me, it is the right thing to do to go. I want the day to be about her, and I'm going to have to manage my sadness. If someone else makes a different choice, that is fine, but I don't think it is right to call people "crazy" if they choose to "put on a brave face" to support their family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it depends on how close you are with the people who the showers are for. If they are casual friends/family members you don't see much, don't go. If it is for your best friend, sister etc., I think you need to go even though it will be difficult


No! I don't expect my best friend, nor the people I love to put on a brave face for a shower. That's crazy!!!

I find your post offensive. My sister, who I am close with, is having a baby shower. I feel that it will make me sad to go due to my own secondary infertility issues, but I think, at least for me, it is the right thing to do to go. I want the day to be about her, and I'm going to have to manage my sadness. If someone else makes a different choice, that is fine, but I don't think it is right to call people "crazy" if they choose to "put on a brave face" to support their family member.

But it is your decision. PP is not saying you're crazy to go. She is saying it's crazy for someone in your sister's position to EXPECT you to suck it up and go.

[Anonymous]

So one thing to note, because it is secondary infertility, which think it is horrible btw, but at least she can blend in with the other mother's and talk about having a baby period. If it were primary infertility then you are just a freak who everyone makes a comment about how you are going to get pregnant next or ask when you are having children.

Anyhow, don't go if it makes you uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

I agree not to go if it makes you very uncomfortable. But I also agree with the posters who say that once you go, and get over the dreading, it is usually fun to see people. Only you know the likely mix of people coming to this party. If it's all moms who have nothing else going on besides kids, I would totally skip it. But if it's cool women who have other interests and are more enlightened (seriously WTF women who say things like "you're next" -- are you morons?), then I think it could be a fun event.

But either way you choose, don't feel bad about it for a minute. Our bodies, our choices, in more ways than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did these same friends celebrate you becoming a new mom at your shower? I'd probably suck it up and go, while planning to leave early before the gift opening ooohs and aaaahs. If all goes well, you might find yourself staying even longer for the gift opening.

I'm a 4 year primary infertility warrior, who has been lapped and attended many baby showers over the 4 years. I can tell you that the 'thought' of attending these events has always been worse than the events themselves. The beginning of a shower is always mingling and eating; when conversations turned to kids, I just scooted over to another conversation as I didn't have any children on earth.

These girls were my friends. I don't think you mentioned it, but if it was just an acquaintance--I 'd skip it. If any of them are not for first time moms, I'd skip them, too. (Sending gifts for both scenarios, of course.)

You are an ass.

No, she's absolutely correct.

[Anonymous]

I'll be the black sheep here and say OP, you need to suck it up and go. You have a child and I presume you had the joy of a baby shower yourself once. It's not like you're going to this party never having experienced one for yourself. I get why you're sad but I don't understand why you're THAT sad. You need perspective. So, so many women never even get that opportunity once.

[Anonymous]

As the mama of a stillborn and one who doesn't know if I'll be able to have a healthy, living baby, I say: be kind to yourself, do what's right for you. If you have the strength and courage to go, then go but advise your friend that if it's too hard, you'll slip out. If you can't face it, call her, explain, send a card, and a gift.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. After my wife cried at two first year birthday parties in a six month period, we found our friends stopped inviting us to children's birthday parties. My wife was going through a difficult time at that point of our journey, but we have never gotten back on the guest list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally do not go if you can't deal. Cut yourself some slack. If she's a true friend she'll understand. And if she's not a true friend, then it's not a big deal to skip it. Send a nice email and a gift and call it good enough.

The only situation where I would consider sucking it up is if your friend has experienced infertility, or if she came to a shower for your first baby while she was experiencing infertility herself.

+1!

You don't have to suck it up. You probably suck it up everyday, just living life (seeing this stuff on Facebook, in the office, etc

[Anonymous]

I disagree with most posters. You need to go if possible. Part of being a good person and friend is being happy for others when they have something or accomplish something, regardless if you have. Ow if you became pregnant would you still not want to attend showers? Just like you were a bridesmaid before you met your husband, you need to attend showers. Be thankful for the many positive things in your life and have faith things for you will work out.